Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reconnect Your Relationship - Bring Back The Loving, Supportive Partnership You Deserve

by Rori Raye

If you’re ready to turn your relationship around, and completely change the way your man sees you so that he wants to be with you all the time, I have some questions for you…
Are you with a man who seems to be stalling and the relationship is stucksomewhere short of where you want it to be? Have you ever been surprised by a man who suddenly withdraws after treating you like his soul mate for months? Do youfeel jealous of other women who have great relationships? And jealous of everywoman your man even looks at? Are you finding yourself almost “out-of-control,”calling him (or at least wanting to) all the time, texting him, emailing him more than he’s contacting you? Are you wondering if you’re in a dead-end relationship?

If Your Relationship Has Stopped Moving Forward - You CAN Turn It Around

If you’ve answered “Yes” to any of these questions - you are absolutely not alone. I was able to write those questions because I once answered “Yes” to ALL of them. I was where you are now. But then everything changed…
When my marriage first started to go bad, it came out of nowhere. He’d always paid me so much attention and I believed he adored me and we were deeply connected. But then it just went cold.
All of a sudden it seemed that he had no interest in me. Work was more important. Playing musicwas more important. His friends and family were more important. I became desperately unhappy and my anxiety level went through the roof.
Before we were married, without pretending or playing games, I was able to feel strong enough about myself to always keep him interested and moving toward major commitment. But as the wedding got closer, that started to change. I started to see him as a husband instead of a boyfriend. If he wanted a moment to himself, I took it as a rejection. When he’d forget to take out the garbage, or not do things for me that he’d automatically done before, I felt frustrated - and thought it meant he wasn’t taking care of me anymore.
Then I started doing everything wrong. I started making dangerous mistakes, and pushing him so far away I might as well have been shoving him with my fists. My new, wonderful husband was even starting to become mean. I tried everything I could think of, I was nicer, I cooked more, I cleaned more, I took care of our daughter, I tried initiating sex more, but nothing worked.
I noticed that the relationship seemed to get worse, and my husband started to go cold and withdraw after the same kinds of situations. Over time I started to recognize the root of everything going on in my marriage - Our relationship was disconnected.

How To Tell If Your Relationship Is “Disconnected”… And What To Do About It

#1: The “Romance” Is Dead

Remember when he whispered how much he loved you in your ear? When he brought you flowers, remembered your favorite foods, called you to say “Hi” in the middle of the day? Now when you spend time together, you feel that he’s not fully there. That he may “love” you, but isn’t IN LOVE with you anymore.

#2: He’s Less Available And Less Interested

Where he was once passionate, calling you all the time, making plans, affectionate, and attentive… He’s suddenly turned into a cold fish. He calls less. He initiates sex less often. No matter what you do or how sweet you are, he just gets more and more distant.

#3: You Feel Anxious, Miserable And Even Depressed All The Time

Because he’s been so distant, and because you can’t seem to “please” him, you’re constantly worried that you’re driving him further away. What if you say or do the wrong thing and he leaves you? You feel paralyzed by your fear and anger. All of this turns into “vicious cycle” where the worse you feel, the worse he responds, and your relationship spirals downwards.

Avoid Making The Two Big Mistakes That Push Him Further Away

When our relationships become disconnected, nearly all women make these same mistakes. The things we instinctively want to do actually end up making the problem worse.

Mistake #1: Pretending Everything Is OK

It seems so right to be understanding of his needs and his stress about work. It seems like the “cool” thing to do to give him “space” and “time.” If he doesn’t call, it makes sense to try to get in touch because we know how “busy” he is. It just seems that the smartest thing to do is make everything easy and fun for him, so he’ll want to be with us. But instead of bringing him closer, this actually pushes him further away.
This happens for two main reasons: One, being on the receiving end of too much “nurturing” from a woman reminds them of their mothers - and that’s just not sexy or appealing to a man. And two, when a women is being too “understanding” of a man’s bad behavior he often experiences this as us being needy and insecure. Too many women pretend when he’s not loving, appreciating, or respecting them it’s okay. But this doesn’t work for men, or for us.

Mistake #2: We Make Him Feel Bad About Making Us Feel Good

In addition to constantly trying to make him happy, we also want to show HIM how to make US happy. We want him to be affectionate, to tell us we look pretty, to confide in us, open up and connect with us. But the moment we try to direct a man, both of us feel bad. We feel unsatisfied because we had to ask. And our man feels badly because we’re clearly not happy with how he was doing things on his own.

There’s A Way To Reconnect Your Relationship And Bring Your Man Close

…we’ve been taught to, “put a good face on things.” If we do this long enough, we lose the ability to express ourselves authentically.
For most of our lives, we’ve been taught to hold in certain kinds of feelings. And we’ve been taught to, “put a good face on things.” If we do this long enough, we lose the ability to express ourselves authentically. And when we DO express ourselves, it comes out sounding as if we don’t trust or respect our man, and he feels bad, like he’s let us down, and then angry.
By the time my husband was withdrawing so much that I could no longer pretend it wasn’t really happening, I’d been “putting a good face” on things for a long time. I’d been doing the two mistakes over and over and over again. I was trying hard to prove I was the great wife I wanted him to see me as. I spent my life with him trying hard to get him to make me happy. Until I finally tried something I’d never tried before. I STOPPED TRYING.
I stopped asking him to do things - and more importantly - I stopped doing them myself. I focused on making myself happy instead of trying to make HIM happy. I spoke to him differently and experimented with letting him know how I was feeling instead of keeping everything bottled up.And it worked.
Within about two weeks, everything changed. Once I experimented with a new way of doing things my man responded in a new way. All the fights stopped. Sex came back, strong. It was as if there had always been the easy communication and love flowing between us that I was now experiencing.

INSPIRE HIM To WANT To Be The Perfect Partner For You

Lyrics | Beatles lyrics - Real Love lyrics
All my little plans and schemesLost like some forgotten dreamsSeems that all I really was doingWas waiting for you
Just like little girls and boysPlaying with their little toysSeems like all they really were doingWas waiting for love
Don't need to be aloneNo need to be alone
It's real love, it's realYes it's real love, it's real
From this moment on I knowExactly where my life will goSeems that all I really was doingWas waiting for love
Don't need to be afraidNo need to be afraid
It's real love, it's realYes it's real love, it's real
Thought I'd been in love beforeBut in my heart I wanted moreSeems like all I really was doingWas waiting for you
Don't need to be aloneNo need to be alone
It's real love, it's realYes it's real love, it's realYes it's real love, it's real
It's real love, it's realYes it's real love, it's real
It's real love, it's realYes it's real love, it's real
It's real love, it's realYes it's real love, it's real

Avoid this Guy! 14 Warning Signs that He’s Not What You Want

A guy who's not relationship material always lets you know; you just have to know what to look for.

When I look back at all the relationships that didn’t work out (that I so wanted to at the time), I realize that in every case, there were early warning signs that each guy gave me that could have given me some idea of the heartbreak I was about to experience if I had only been aware of what to look for. To spare you from what happened to me, to give you the inside scoop on what you can be on the lookout for, here’s my list of the warning signs that clearly let you know that this is a guy to avoid if it's a real relationship you're looking for.
1.  He doesn’t call you when he says he’s going to.
Granted, I know that sometimes life can get it the way, and if he’s working late on that big project with the looming deadline it’s possible that time might get away from him once in a while. But if this happens more than once or twice, it’s a sure sign that you’re just not a priority for him right now. If a guy is really interested in starting (or continuing) a real relationship with you, you will be on his mind, and he won’t forget to call.
2.  He’s often late and doesn’t call to let you know.
I know there are lots of reasons people can run late that are beyond their control (traffic jam, car problems, being stuck at the office), but a quick call from his cell phone will put your mind at ease, and let you know that you have a few more minutes to try on that one other outfit you were still considering. The point here is about being respectful of your time – we can forgive lateness, even chronic lateness (some people just aren’t good at judging how much time something will take), but not calling to let you know he’ll be a little late? That’s inexcusable and a sure sign that he’s not too concerned about you.
3.  He doesn’t show up at all (and doesn’t call) when you have plans to see him.
OK ladies, unless he was (verifiably) unconscious in a hospital somewhere, getting stood up is a “one strike and you’re out” offense. There is absolutely no good reason for this (except the one above), and if you stay with him after a maneuver like that, you’ll be in for a very bumpy emotional ride that’s almost guaranteed to end badly. Cell phone reception is excellent these days (unless he’s a lumberjack working in the great North Woods), so this one is unforgiveable.
4.  He has rules about how often he can see you.
It’s one thing to have the boys’ “Wednesday Poker Night”, or something along those lines, but if he’s only willing to get together say, every other weekend (with the exception being a child custody situation), then that’s a sure sign he’s keeping his options open and still scouring the market for something better (at least in his mind – he just doesn’t realize that you’re the best thing going!).
5.  He knows way more about you than you know about him.
If you find yourself doing all the talking during your conversations, and when you ask him something about himself he doesn’t say much, it may be because he’s hiding something or doesn’t want to get too close to you. Many guys just aren’t big talkers, but if he hasn’t told you the details of where he works, where he grew up, went to school, etc., and if he gives you vague answers when you ask him about these specifics, then that means he’s keeping you at a distance.
6.  You know way more about him than he knows about you.
This one is the flip side to the last warning sign - if he’s so busy talking all about himself, and shows no interest in who you are, what you like to do, or what your idea of the future looks like, this should be a real red flag. The good news about this one is that there’s no danger of taking it personally – it’s all about him. It has nothing to do with you – this kind of guy isn’t interested in anyone – but himself. Steer clear (way clear).
7.  He doesn’t tell anyone about you. (Read: No one knows he has a girlfriend – YOU)
If he doesn’t introduce you to his friends, or ask you to hang out with them once in a while, go to a party or get together with them - that’s a sure sign that he’s not sure about the whole thing. Ofcourse you may not want to hang out with his friends much, particularly if they’re a group of partying bachelors, but they should at least know about you, and it should be your decision. How they treat you when you’re around can also be a big tell-tale sign of how things are going or will go – if they kind of treat you like “yeah, you’re the girlfriend of the month, I’ll talk to you if you can make it past week 4”, then that’s a sign of what’s likely to be coming next.
8.  He doesn’t invite you to meet his family – ever.
Of course inviting you to meet the family is a big deal, as it should be, and it doesn’t happen until he feels like this thing is going somewhere. So that’s just it – if time is starting to drag on, and he still hasn’t invited you to meet his family, the likelihood is that he’s having doubts about the relationship. There is the outside chance that he’s embarrassed by his family. I have a good friend whose husband’s family (which consists of his elderly mother and Aunt, who raised him together and still both live together) are essentially, well, mildly deranged. They look like the stereotypical “bag ladies”, and even showed up for my friends nuptials wearing multiple layers of ragged clothing and carrying some of their belongings in what were essentially re-useable shopping bags. But he had told her about them fairly early on in their relationship, and she did finally meet them. And let me say, as far as mildly deranged people go, they’re very sweet (I met them at the wedding), and they did a great job at raising their son/nephew.
So the bottom line is that if the relationship has been going on for some time – just to put a number on it, let’s say over 6 months – and he hasn’t invited you to meet his family yet, it’s certainly time to question him about it. If he still doesn’t introduce you? Time to start planning your exit strategy.
9.  He doesn’t spend the holidays with you.
I know there are situations, such as when a divorced man wants to spend time with his children at the family holiday get together, but even then he can make time for you either before or after his family time. Everyone knows how special holidays are to us women, and if he doesn’t, then that’s a sign of other issues (for example, not being considerate and thoughtful regarding your feelings). If he’s just taking off on a surf vacation to Bali with his buddies over the holidays because that’s when it’s less crowded, and you’re not invited, then you’re clearly a low priority to him.
10.  He’s got lots of female friends – and makes sure you know this.
In my experience, “platonic” friendships are rarely, if ever, that – there are almost always some feelings in one direction. Either the guy is secretly harboring feelings for the girl, or vice versa. And when a guy is in a relationship, he has so much less time to spend with his buddies – why on earth would he ever choose to spend that precious time with another woman? Well, there are a number of reasons he might, and they all involve one deep seated issue or another, and none of them are good. And making sure you know about it? That’s just playing games, and just another reason to get out and find yourself an emotionally healthy man to be in a relationship with.
11.  He doesn’t tell you what he’s doing, where he’s going, or when he’ll be back.
If your guy likes to keep you guessing, there’s a reason. This is another sure sign that he’s keeping his options open. In a healthy relationship there’s no hiding or secrets. If he’s not being open and upfront about his whereabouts, then stop worrying about it – just move on.
12.  He doesn’t talk about his plans for the future with you.
I’m all for living in the moment and enjoying the “now”. But eventually in a relationship a discussion of future plans has got to come up – otherwise you’ll never know if the two of you are sailing together or heading towards different continents. If he’s not at least occasionally talking about the future with you then chances are, in his mind, you’re not in it.
13.  He lets you know he had a life without you and he still has a life without you.
I mean, sure, when you’re first dating, it’s interesting to hear about the places your guy has been and all of the fun times he’s had with his friends. But if he’s still reminiscing about his single life escapades after your relationship has moved to the next level, or worse, making plans to have more of those escapades (without you), then the truth is he still wants to be single. Let him.
14.  You feel like if you could just change yourself and not be so needy, this would all work out.
This is by far the biggest warning sign of all. If youstart to feel that there’s something wrong with you, or you’re doing something wrong that’s causing him to pull away, and maybe if you just gave him more of the freedom he wants, and wait for him quietly, and…well, you get it. Don’t fall into this trap. If you want a real relationship, equipped with real feelings, real caring, real consideration, and realromance, and he doesn’t, then he’s not the right guy for you and let him (and yourself) go.
If you see any of these warning signs, and especially if you see several of them, chances are that this is not a guy that’s looking for a real relationship right now – or at least not the kind you’re looking for. Your best bet is to walk away gracefully, with your self-esteem intact, and not look back (even if he then starts calling you and chasing you – that’s just a sign of a game-player with deeper issues). Rather than trying to get him to change or waiting for him to come around, try focusing onyou and why you’re in a relationship with someone like this. If you find yourself in this type of relationship often, which many of us do, it’s time for some real soul searching to get to the root of it. If you have access to good counseling, take advantage of it, as many times this is the only way to true healing. And it will be worth it in the long run, to get you past the cycle of toxic relationships so you can move on to the kind of true, sustainable love that you want to attract into your life.
Sometimes it’s hard to see when we’re in it, but know that if you’re settling for less than you deserve, there truly is someone out there ready and waiting to give you what you’re looking for – and to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It’s in believing in ourselves, trusting our gut instincts and discovering who we really are and what we’re really looking for, that all the other pieces of the puzzle fall into place and we find ourselves finally getting it right and discovering the love of our lives – the one who doesn’t come with any red flags. And you deserve nothing less than that, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve been through.

Romance Resolutions for 2012

By Steven Zangrillo

With the New Year right around the corner, many of you may be starting to stress about those ten pounds you stacked on courtesy of Grandma Anna’s sugar cookies; or how you’ll manage to get those last minute gifts shipped to your beloved in-laws and cousins you don’t know very well. Instead, take a deep breath.

Now is a great time to step back, look around and re-evaluate your relationships. Whether you’re a wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend or in the throes of a fleeting fling, there’s never been a better time to understand your tendencies (good or bad) as a lover and a partner.

Right under our noses lie some of the most common and simple adjustments we can make that will help get you started on the path of relationship improvement. Take to heart some of these “romantic resolutions” that you may want to put into practice as 2012 approaches:

1. “I will not expect the world of my partner.”
To be clear, you should expect your partner to make the effort to give you the world. We all want our special someone to feel happy and satisfied at all times, and vice versa. However, it’s borderline lunacy to expect that person to actually deliver on all of your wildest dreams. Newsflash: this isn’t an Old Spice commercial, and no, we’re not going to bake you a triple chocolate mousse cake in your dream house kitchen while singing your favorite song. But we’ll try, or at least give you a great foot massage.
2. “If they want to go to the movies, then take them to the movies.”
Your significant other loves a hobby that you purely loathe. It could be going to cheesy romancemovies or ridiculous action flicks, blasting gangster rap at earth-shattering volumes from your apartment, or eating at a restaurant that triggers your gag reflex. If they know you hate these things, they probably shouldn’t make you experience them. But that’s selfish, wouldn’t you agree? So stick it out… sit down and watch “The Notebook” with her. You’ll reap the benefits later when she buys you those Eminem tickets next month.
3. “I will tolerate his or her friends, even if it doesn’t go smoothly at first.”
This is particularly difficult in new relationships where you may not have many mutual friends. Say you’ve moved to a new city with your flame and just met his friends. Because they are his or her friends, not yours, territoriality plays an integral role in this situation.
What’s key to remember is that these people care for the person that you love, just like you do – albeit in different ways. Maybe they aren’t your type of people, but if you treat each other with respect, the relationship with your significant other can grow. Integrating into each others’ lives will be much smoother if you go into this with an open mind. And who knows, eventually you may grow to love them.
4. “I will allow myself to be present when I am away from you.”
Ever have that friend who, whether it’s at the club or in a study group, that is constantly and obnoxiously in contact with their significant other? You may even be guilty of it yourself. It’s an all-around annoying disposition.
If you’re always on your cell phone, shutting out the world around you, you are probably aggravating all of the other people that enjoy your company in the process. Don’t be the guy leaning on the bar, texting his girl, while everyone else is having a great time.
Furthermore, this could be a warning sign to you that you don’t trust each other. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you find yourself having to give a detailed explanation of how dinner is going with your parents? If not, it’s probably time to shed that relationship.
5. “I will put myself first, but not at the detriment of my partner. I’ll support everything they are passionate about.”
This rule speaks for itself. No one worth being in a relationship with would ever make you feel bad for pursuing your interests, on both professional and personal levels. If the dynamic of your partnership is that of mutual respect and support, your significant other will be your biggest cheerleader.
It is, indeed, easier to give the previous advice than it is to follow it. However, if you adapt an attitude that incorporates a little bit of everything discussed above, there’s a good chance that you and your lover will have a relationship that will stand the test of time in the New Year!

Romance Resolutions for 2012

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