Saturday, December 17, 2011

Dating A Coworker

How can I keep her from becoming my buddy without causing problems at the office or being a jerk?"This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," tells a reader how to deal with a breakup after dating a coworker. Hey Doc,I’ve been a self-sustaining individual most of my life. I left home early, made my way through college, joined the Army, started a consulting career, and then finally settled in Edmonton, Canada, at the age of 29. I haven’t built much experience with women other than one-night stands, so I’ve nursed delusions of grandeur and tried to find “the one girl” who I’ll live my life with.I met Megan at work. She’s a stunning girl who has many of the same interests as me. And so began three months of me turning into an available, sensitive, nice, weak, giving, pays-for-everything dummy. After all of that, she began to act weird and distant, even though I gave her everything she wanted (I know, Doc -- I can picture you shaking your head right now). So she dumped me, of course, and I spent a week whining and crying. After that I realized that she ended the relationship because I lacked the skills to keep her from the start. I began my search for knowledge and stumbled on your book, “The System,” and everything started to make sense. I even met some very willing women the same week by using techniques straight from your book. I knew I’d found gold and quickly ordered your other materials in order to acquire more of your wisdom.Doc, I need some immediate coaching. When Meg broke up with me, she used the words “friends,” “respect” and “nice guy” a lot. She also asked if she could still call me to talk and get advice. I made it clear I couldn’t be her friend and told her I was removing all traces of her from my cell phone and social sites. Now it’s been a while, and she’s tried to strike up small talk at the office and mentioned that in a couple months I’ll get over it and we can be friends again (this was something she read in a dating article). Doc, Megan is a stand-up gal and I still think she’s pretty cool, but I failed to keep her Interest Level up and lost her. What do you think is going on with this girl? How can I keep her from becoming my buddy without causing problems at the office or being a jerk?Gavyn - who wants to learn at the feet of the masterDoc Love's ResponseHi Gavyn,You shouldn’t feel bad about your weak history with women. Most guys are like you. You worked your tail off and got your act together in life for the most part, all of which is commendable. But at the same time you should have had my book when you were 18 or 19 so you could have been studying women for the past 10 years. Instead, you’re pushing 30 and just getting started on your real education. You're self-deprecating when you describe how you acted with Megan, but you’re being too hard on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being a Giver and there’s nothing wrong with paying for everything. But if you’re too available and weak, that’s another issue altogether. Being too available and weak is terrible. Those characteristics are the ones that are going to cause you to come up short with women.Megan acted weird and distant with you because you turned her off, guy. You might have given her everything she wanted, but you didn’t give her what she needed, which was challenge.So how should Gavyn treat Megan at work? When you encounter her at work, just smile, say hi and keep walking.When you say you “lacked the skills to keep her from the start,” it’s the best and most interesting thing you brought out in your letter. Because that’s what my materials do for you -- they help you keep a woman. Ninety percent of the guys out there can get a woman to fall in love with them, but how many can actually keep them in love? And that’s where the problem lies. You’re right about my techniques -- they are gold, but most men’s egos won’t allow them to see it when it’s right in front of their eyes. Or they’re just too lazy to change.It’s fine that Megan used the word “respect” to refer to you. But when she uses words like “friend” and “nice guy,” it’s the kiss of death. They are horrible words, and you know why, because you’ve read my book.If Megan calls you for advice, maybe she can set you up with one of her good-looking girlfriends. Did you think of that? Of course you should have deleted all traces of her from your cell phone, but you didn’t have to tell her about it. Why are you pouting, Gavyn? Do you think Megan’s going to like you more if you toss a hissy fit and insist that you can’t be her friend? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What are you, a baby?”Whoever wrote the article claiming that you and Megan could be friends again after she showed you the door is dead wrong. Like the great Doctor Freud once wrote, “Rejection is forever.” To you psych majors, people are emotional and they don’t forget.What do I think is going on with this girl? Nothing, as far as you’re concerned. She just wants to waste your time, that’s all. How can you handle Megan’s presence around the office without being a jerk? First of all, you’re not a jerk, Gavyn. Nowhere in your letter did you act like a jerk. You’re not built that way. Secondly, you don’t want to be Megan’s buddy. When you encounter her at work, just smile, say hi and keep walking. Then, like my buddy Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Go and flirt with all the other girls in the place and make them laugh.”Remember, guys: When it’s over, it’s over.To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions, or to find out more about The System, visit me at or call 800-404-2644. For the past 30 years, Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man vs. another?”2 BY DOC LOVEDoc LoveDOC LOVEEVERY THURSDAYFIRST IMPRESSION THIS ARTICLE MAKES ME16%LAUGH11%THINK9%FURIOUS4%HAPPY7%SAD53%A BETTER MANRead more:

Clinging or Controlling?

Every relationship has growing pains when partners are trying to understand each other. Sometimes, it may feel like even though your partner is speaking your language, they are speaking in tongues because their feelings behind the words are so different from your own. Getting used to your new partner’s habits can take some time and require a hefty dose of patience. Some partners need constant communication while his or her partner feels like they are bombarded by a wave of messages. We here at loveisrespect get a lot of questions from our callers and chatters about what behaviors are just signs of clingy partner and which may point to a controlling partner. Knowing where the fine line is between clinging and controlling can be tough.Texting frequently- Some people think it is sweet to text their partner throughout the day to see how they are and then again to wish them good night. If you’re OK with that, then there is nothing to worry about.Texting you to know where you are constantly, accusing you of lying and/or cheating or just questioning if there are members of the opposite sex around is where it crosses the line. If you feel like your partner uses texting to keep tabs on you or make sure you aren’t around potential suitors, then they are crossing the line into controlling territory.Being protective- We all know the story of Edward and Bella from the Twilight books: Edward showed up at the bookstore when Bella was being attacked in the nick of time, saved her from a hydroplaning car headed her way, watched her sleep at night and overall, seemed to be pretty worried about how fragile and clumsy Bella was. Edward’s protective qualities can make anyone swoon; someone worrying about you must mean they really care about you, which is true. Helping you put tire chains on your car or insisting you wear a seatbelt are good protective behaviors. However, if your partner won’t let you attend parties by yourself, insists you cut yourself off from family and friends or shows up randomly when you are out in public all to “protect” you, then they are definitely a few feet over the line in controlling territory.Getting jealous- It’s natural to wonder about his ex-girlfriend that got away or even to be a little concerned when she starts blowing up his Facebook profile. It’s OK to let him know that you are worried about this, but it’s not OK to accuse him of cheating, insist he block her on Facebook or demand he give you his passwords to his Twitter, Facebook, etc. accounts. It’s alright if you don’t feel totally secure in your relationship, especially at the beginning, but it’s how you go about feeling more secure that can cross the line.Excessive kissing, hugging, etc.- Wanting to hold hands in public or greet you with a bear hug and sloppy kiss may make our shier readers a little squeamish, but if you and your partner are comfortable with it, then go for it. However, if it’s getting to the point where you can’t leave your partner’s side out in public or you are getting uncomfortable with their constant demands for your undivided attention and affection, then there is a problem. You should be able to enjoy time in public with your friends, family, etc. and not feel like you are slighting your partner. Can’t do that? Your partner may be exhibiting some controlling behavior.Constantly confessing undying love- Feelings should develop naturally, which for most people, means slowly. If you feel like your partner’s feelings are a full-speed train with no brakes, then it may be time to re-evalute. Some people will insist they feel really strongly about someone in their life as a way to justify controlling behavior and to gain more influence with their partner over the partner’s friends and family. When these heartfelt confessions sound more desperate than devoted, they may be a sign of a controlling partner.Most importantly, if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. No matter what, if you feel suffocated by even slightly clingy behavior, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship

Friday, December 16, 2011 Launches Algorithm-Free Online Dating Site

By Claire GordonAnyone who has crafted a message on OkCupid knows that online dating is still a very unnatural act. You scan the stranger's profile, wittily riff off of their listed interests, insert a few choice questions, and acknowledge how weird the whole thing is (using the words "sorry," "apologize," and "awkward" in your first message ups the likelihood of reply). hopes to make this whole experience less stilted, and on Wednesday launched its new love portal, Nerve Dating.It isn't's first foray into online matchmaking. Nerve Personals were also intended to "energize the world of online dating" over a decade ago. Rufus Griscom, who co-founded the site, told the New York Press then that on Nerve you'd "be able to go online and say, 'I'm looking for someone who loves Faulkner, hates their mother..." It was "literate smut" for the affluent and college-educated lonely heart.But the internet has changed in the past ten years, and Nerve is apparently trying to change with it. The new site has no pleading personals, no questionnaires, no algorithms, according to the New York Times' "Bits" blog. Nerve Dating takes the hint from Twitter and Facebook, and allows potential romancers to break the ice through a flowing stream of public updates. You can go onto the page "What did you do last night?" and see if someone's yesterday strikes your fancy. In the "Opinions" section, you can check out other users' thoughts on culture, sex and dating, or other soul-stripping questions, like "The Ghostbuster I most relate to is…"And if you want to message someone, it'll cost you $20 a month. Sean Mills, the CEO of Nerve, told the Times that the fee serves as a filter that "benefits everyone on the site."Nerve Dating isn't the first matchmaking site to integrate social networking features. That honor in fact goes to OkCupid, which allowed users to write journal entries, create quizzes, and instant message prospective paramours. Many dating sites have followed. Zoosk, which started as a Facebook app, is run exactly like a social network, and took home $90 million last year. Heartbroker lets you set up your Facebook friends.Many have pursued the dream of making online dating less awkward. Grouper sets up three girls and three boys with info gleaned from their Facebook profiles, based on the logic that a "social club" is less potentially horrifying than a blind date.On Grindr, users meet each other based entirely on physical proximity. So your message doesn't communicate, "I'm really into you." It means only, "I'm here, you're here, what do you say?"In years past, online dating sites vied for domination based on the genius of their algorithms. eHarmony bragged about its 258-question personality test, which is responsible, it claims, for nearly 120 weddings a day. A sociologist devised the algorithm for, while is founded on an algorithm designed by an anthropologist well-versed in neural chemistry.These websites took on the role traditionally occupied by families, churches, and clubs. When it came to love, they knew better than you. But the younger set is rebelling against this top-down matchmaking and its invisible mechanizations.That could be because the younger generation has been raised on social media, and finds the frozen profiles and secret behind-the-scenes workings of many dating sites uncomfortably old school. The majority of the users on eHarmony, on the other hand, are over 35, and are less likely to be fluent in the ways of the social web."The story of online dating has become about algorithms and not about having fun with people online," said Mills. "We're moving away from the algorithm era into the social era. This is a dating site that reflects how the Web has changed."Singles in their 20s and early 30s are also often looking for good times more than "the one," and so prefer the freedom to pick their partners. If these people reach 35, and the instant messages and status updates have failed to garner a true love match, then maybe that they'll admit defeat, throw up their arms, and surrender themselves to the almighty algorithm, too.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

How to meet women

Why is it so hard to meet women?

Well, I've got an interesting answer to this question, and you're going to be very surprised at the answer.

A lot of guys assume that it's really hard to learn how to meet women. But let's look a little closer at WHY they feel this:

#1 Reason It's Hard To Learn How To Meet Women: "Where are all the single women?"

Well, it's tempting to believe that all the single women are hiding out in a witness protection program out there, but they're not. They're hiding in plain sight.

You walk by them every day on the street.

You see them every day at work.

There are approximately 90 million single people in the United States alone.

That means 45 MILLION women! (Insert Dr. Evil laugh here...)

Single women are literally EVERYWHERE. What men are really asking when they're wondering how to meet women and how to find women is this:

"Why aren't all the single women obviously waiting for me and beckoning me over to meet them?"

Sound funny? Yeah, it is a little.

But it's true.

We want women to give us some kind of indicator as to their availability AND their willingness to meet us.

Why? So that we don't have to RISK anything by walking up to women and finding out for ourselves.

Hey, it can be tough to approach women. All that risk of rejection.

But here's the truth that most guys don't know about how to meet women that will give you some INSIDE intelligence as to what's going on with women.

SECRET CLUE: Women are programmed to never make themselves appear too "single" and available.

Huh? WTF?

Yes, it's true. Women have a built in mechanism that keeps them from making it too obvious that they're single and interested in meeting guys.

It's called the "slut complex." This is the part of her that is always avoiding any possibility of being labeled a "slut" by other people. This is part of a woman's socialization. And it's a defense mechanism she learned all the way back when she was a teenager.

And you can also add on top of this the fact that women NEVER want to feel desperate. If she works too hard to get a man(hell, if she works at all) she will feel desperate.

So if women are trying to be all coy and clever about giving off "single signals" - how the hell is a guy supposed to meet her?

This leads me to...

#2 Reason It's Hard To Learn How To Meet Women: "I have to APPROACH her?"


The reality is this: Women don't approach men. 

Think about it. How many times have you ever seen a woman approach a man?

She doesn't approach men (or even make it easy for us) because that would appear A) desperate, and B) possibly slutty.

Here's something else: Women read signals much better than men do.

So women always make the classic mistake of giving a MUCH smaller hint than guys need.

From her point of view, batting her eyelashes at you and smiling at you is about as far as she's going to go. She assumes that you're going to be able to figure it out and make an approach based on that ... uh, signal.

The rest, my friend, is up to you.

Simply put, she OVER compensates, and men UNDER interpret.

It's no wonder that women never look "available" or "single" to us.

So if you want to know how to meet women, you need to actively and assertively go after what you want.

Partly because this is what makes you a man - but also because this is what will open a women up and tell you that she's actually available.

Women are DYING to meet men out there!

I conducted a poll of single women recently, and they told me something SHOCKING:
  • 42% of them are almost NEVER approached by men.
  • 21% of them said that they see a lot of "almost" where a guy wants to but talks himself out of it. (Yes, women can actually tell when you do this.)
  • That's 61 percent of women saying that they are single, and they are NOT getting approached - and they WANT to be approached!
  • In fact, only 16% of women in my survey were getting approached 1 or more times per day.
Imagine what kind of women you could have if you knew how to get past your fears...

In fact, isn't knowing this fact enough to get you past them right now?

Wouldn't it be great to learn how to read the signals and learn how to meet women - SINGLE women - that are all around you every day?

Most guys don't want to meet their next girlfriend in a bar, or a noisy overpriced nightclub. It's not fun, and it's not a good way to find a quality woman.

The reality is that your next girlfriend is out there waiting for you to find her - and she's not in a bar or club.

And for you to meet her, you have to learn the skill of "Day game..."

Listen to what this student says:

"I got your Real Alpha Daygame course... and it is dynamite... it is awesome, it is right on the money... I have learned more with this than I have EVER... I'm getting - making out with someone that I just met... having fun and flirting..."  - Don - St. Louis, MO

Go take a look and learn how to meet women. On that page I go on in detail about approaching women everywhere!

Your friend,

Carlos Xuma - signature
Carlos Xuma

If there has ever been a time that men are confused about what women want from them, and struggle understanding women - it's NOW. Maybe your dad wasn't there, or he wasn't a strong role model, or you just want to learn the ancient secrets of manhood that he didn't teach

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Do you want your man to really please you in bed? Many guys enjoy performing oral sex on women, but they don't always do it right. Contrary to popular belief, using your mouth and tongue won't always turn a woman on. If your man isn't using his mouth and tongue the right way, he will just end up making you feel uncomfortable.
Woman after oral sex
Don't worry, though, you can guide your man along the way and teach him how to perform oral sex the right way! He can become a better lover. He just needs to realize that no two women are exactly alike. What might have worked on his ex-girlfriend might not necessarily work for you.
What your man needs to do is follow these tips to find out what works for you and what doesn't.
The most important thing a man can do is ASK a woman what she likes. Guys are too afraid to ask their girlfriends what they like because they don't want to come off sounding inexperienced. Well, he's going to come off as inexperienced anyway if he tries performing oral sex without first asking you about your preferences.
Don't jump onto her vagina or clit right away. First, warm her up by teasing her all over. Start out kissing her mouth and then kiss her cheeks and neck. Work your way down her body. Caress her with your hands. Try to make the experience as romantic and sensual as possible. Oral sex is more than just going down on her.
Take things slow. Don't act like a hungry, slobbery brute. Once you make it to her clit and vagina, gently lick all around. You don't have to be rough with your mouth unless she wants you to. It's always best to start off slow, unless she specifically requests otherwise. Some women do like it when you roughly use your tongue and mouth, but only do so if she asks.
Try the reverse hug technique. This shouldn't be too hard if you're in good shape. You'll need to hold her upside down in front of you. Her head and shoulders should rest on the bed, and her back should rest against your chest and stomach. Hold her up a bit so that she won't feel too much pressure around her neck. Just wrap your arms around her stomach and lower your face between her legs.
Try the doggy greet technique. This technique involves a combination of oral sex and doggystyle. While in the doggystyle position, pull out of her when she is close to having an orgasm. Then, you hurry and lower your head towards her clit and use your tongue until she has orgasm. Once she has the orgasm, enter her again. Basically, you go back and forth between using your tongue and penis. If done right, she should have multiple orgasms!
Another fun oral position to try is under the sink. She stands right next to the side of the bed and squats down. There should just be enough room for you to lay on your back on the bed and place your head between her legs. She is mostly in control of her own pleasure. She can squat further, tilt, lean back, etc. This position is pretty easy for you both to do. She just needs to give you enough room so that you don't strain your neck.
These are just a few examples of the many oral sex techniques and positions you and your man can try. As long as you are willing to experiment and try new things with your guy, he should be able to give you a very strong orgasm.
Heather Jennings has been helping couples for years take their sex up a notch. If you're looking for tips on how to give oral sex or to just improve your lovemaking techniques, be sure to check out more of her work.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I know now that there is no you without me...

By Tiffany B.
My life has been so empty for so long,
no one to love or call my own.
I patiently waited for that time to come,
To share this special with someone.

Until you came from the mist, unexpectedly,
Taking me as I am and accepting me.
You filled the emptiness that laid inside,
releasing me form my bitterness and pride.

We shared endless moments together,
questioning if the feelings were true,
Not realizing how fast time had flew.
The time had come for me to part and go away,
The words goodbye I had refused to say.

I am now miles away from the one I love,
things are so different, but your still all I think of.
A day seems like year and a month feels like forever,
I think about the times we spent, and THAT
I will always treasure.

Your soft brown eyes that made me shy away,
your cute little smile that brightened my day.
Your gentle touch that gave me chills,
and your whole body in itself that gave
me thrills.

I'll wait patiently until we can touch again,
but i am now more satisfied because you
are more than just my friend.
To bring back those moments, and to
finally see your smile,
And hope that things will remain the same
for a while.

My feelings for you are now stronger than before,
and your love is something I will not ignore.
See now, a part of you has grown in me,
I love you always and forever it will be. 

Black love poems by Pokahontaz
As I sit back and reminisce on what love
has done to me.
you would wonder how can I grin, how can I smile
how can I appear to be so happy.

Because in my full term with love, the afterbirth
was pain.
That was felt again and again, different face, different name
but results were still the same.

How can I yearn for such a thing that causes so much hurt and
so much strife.
How can I desire the American dream, he as my husband
and I as his wife.

How can I put myself back on the edge of a rocky,
unsteady cliff.
Not knowing if I will be pushed and land once again
all broken and stiff.

As I lean back in my chair and feel all the hurtful emotions
take over me.
I fancifully envision a fairy godmother giving me a potion to
set me free.

"A potion? A real potion"; you may say.
"Is it mixed with red bull and Tangueray?" *

Ah No, but it is a potion that is mixed with the feelings of
pure bliss.
A feeling that is an ultimate high that you can't
get from a fix.

It is a feeling of butterflies in your stomach, or a
whisper in your ear.
It is a feeling of passion and courage; standing tall even
if Goliath were near.

It is the Dr. Jekyll when it's alter
ego is Mr. Hyde
It is the cure of its own disease and restorer
to its own plight

Can I just taste, indulge and bathe in its beauty, cherish God's
gift oh I won't complain.
It is worth all its grief if I can dance for just for a moment in its rain 

Love Of My Life
By Mr. Dvyne

Thank you for being who
you are to me
what you are to me
for having the courage to come
this far with me.

Thank you for awakening this love inside
my soul has come alive
to whom does my heart belong?
I don't have to decide
Thank you for giving me the
chance to love you

I'd die for you
I'd have no regrets
because I truly adore you
Thank you for doing all
the things you do
forever be with me, and
I am with you. 

Juke Box Love Song
Black poem by Langston Hughes

I could take the Harlem night
and wrap around you,
Take the neon lights and make a crown,
Take the Lenox Avenue busses,
Taxis, subways,
And for your love song tone their rumble down.
Take Harlem's heartbeat,
Make a drumbeat,
Put it on a record, let it whirl,
And while we listen to it play,
Dance with you till day--
Dance with you, my sweet brown Harlem girl

Real Love in Dating

Millions of us are out there looking for the “right person”—in bars, at parties, in clubs, at church, and on Internet dating sites, to name a few of the ways we look. Many of us actually succeed in finding what we’re looking for, and then we fall in love, but what happens after that?
60% of marriages end in divorce, and 50% of married women have indicated that if not for finances and children, they would leave their husbands. That leaves only 20% of marriages that would even survive if the partners felt they had a reasonable choice to leave. It is my experience—and that of many other counselors—that 1-2% of all married couples achieve relationships that are as rewarding as they had once hoped. 
The problem seems obvious: Once we find the “right person,” we still have no idea what to do with the relationship. And until we do something dramatically different from what everyone else is doing, our chances of establishing a genuinely happy long-term relationship are truly terrible.
Instead of frantically looking for the next “right person” in our life, what we really need is to learn how to create and sustain loving and rewarding relationships.
A healthy relationship is the natural result of two healthy individuals. A great relationship is much like a beautiful duet, which is played on two instruments. Before we can meaningfully participate in a duet, we must learn how to play an instrument by ourselves. Few of us are prepared to be the kind of happy and loving partner that a loving relationship requires. And that brings us to the central question: What do we all require before we can be happy as individuals? What quality must we possess individually before we can participate in a great relationship?
What We All Want Most — Unconditional Love
In order to be happy, what we all want more than anything else is to feel loved. We prove that every day with the songs we sing, the movies we watch, the books we read, and the conversations we have. Love is the strongest theme uniting all these activities, but it’s not just any kind of love we’re looking for.
What we all want most is unconditional love, or Real Love. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s not Real Love when you do what I want and I like you. That’s relatively worthless; that’s earning or buying love. It’s Real Love when you make mistakes and inconvenience me, but I’m not disappointed or angry.
Sadly, few of us have sufficiently received or given that kind of love—not just during our marriages but for our entire lives. From the time we were small children, we observed that when we didn’t fight with our sisters, didn’t make too much noise in the car, got good grades, and were otherwise obedient and cooperative, our parents and others smiled at us, patted our heads, and spoke kindly. With their words and behavior, they told us what good boys and girls we were.
Mother scolding her defiant daughterBut what happened when we did fight with our sisters, made too much noise, got bad grades, and dragged mud across the clean living room carpet? Did people smile at us or speak gentle, loving words? No—they frowned, sighed with disappointment, and often spoke in harsh tones. Just as the positive behaviors of other people communicated to us that we were loved, the withdrawal of those behaviors could only mean that we were not being loved. Although it was unintentional, our parents and others taught us this terrible message: “When you’re good, I love you, but when you’re not, I don’t—or certainly I love you a great deal less.”
This conditional love can give us brief moments of satisfaction, but we’re still left with a huge hole in our souls, because only Real Love can make us genuinely happy. Without sufficient Real Love, we can only feel empty and alone, which is the greatest ongoing pain in our lives. In any given negative interaction with a relationship partner, it is the longstanding lack of Real Love inyour life that determines how you feel and respond, not the behavior of your partner in that moment. In any given moment, you react to the amount of love you feel from everyone, past and present, not just from the person you’re interacting with.
Finding Real Love — Changing Ourselves and Our Relationships
Once we understand the critical role of Real Love in our lives, we can begin to do something to find it and make genuine changes in ourselves and in our relationships, instead of just playing games with relationship techniques, which never make much difference in the long term.
Real Love in Dating book
Buy the Book - Real Love
Read the book Real Love in Dating and take advantage of the many resources available on, where you will learn the principles that will make dramatic changes in your life and in your relationships. In Real Love in Dating, you'll learn:
  • What we all need most before we can be genuinely happy: Real Love, unconditional love
  • The real reason couples fall in and out of love
  • How to find and become the perfect partner
  • What we use as substitutes for Real Love and how that Imitation Love destroys relationships
  • How we behave when we don't feel loved unconditionally, and how these “Getting and Protecting Behaviors” make us miserable and tear our relationships apart
  • How to find the Real Love that will guarantee lasting and rewarding relationships
  • How to build a great relationship and keep your perfect partner
"This Real Love stuff is amazing. It's completely changed the way I date. I wish I'd known about it years ago. Everybody needs to read about Real Love before they go on their next date."

What is Real Love?

Real Love: The Love We’ve All Been Looking For — Unconditional Love
We've heard songs about it, seen it in the movies, heard it talked about on Oprah by relationship experts, and read about it in thousands of self help books. But, what is unconditional love? We all want to feel loved. We think about it, hope for it, fantasize about it, go to great lengths toachieve it, and feel that our lives are incomplete without it. The lack of unconditional love is the cause of most of our anger and confusion. It is no exaggeration to say that our emotional need for unconditional love is just as great as our physical need for air and food.
It is especially unfortunate, then, that most of us have no idea what unconditional love really is, and we prove our ignorance with our horrifying divorce rate, the incidence of alcohol and drug addiction in our country, the violence in our schools, and our overflowing jails.
Our misconceptions of unconditional love began in early childhood, where we saw that when we did all the right things—when we were clean, quiet, obedient and otherwise “good”—people “loved” us. They smiled at us and spoke in gentle tones. But we also saw that when we were “bad,” all those signs of “love” instantly vanished. In short, we were taught by consistent experience that love was conditional, that we had to buy “love” from the people around us with our words and behavior.
So what’s wrong with conditional love? We see it everywhere we look, so what could be wrong with it? Imagine that every time you pay me fifty dollars, I tell you I love you. We could do that all day, but at the end of the day would you feel loved? No, because you’d know that I “loved” you only because you paid me. We simply can’t feel fulfilled by love we pay for. We can feel loved only when it is freely, unconditionally given to us. The instant we do anything at all to win the approval or respect of other people—with what we say, what we do, how we look—we are paying for the attention and affection we receive, and we can’t feel genuinely loved.
A New Definition of Love: Real Love
There’s only one kind of love that can fill us up, make us whole, and give us the happiness we all want: unconditional love or true love. It is unconditional love that we all seek, and somehow we intuitively realize that anything other than that kind of love isn’t really love at all—it’s an imitation of the real thing.
Unconditional love—true love—is so different from the kind of love most of us have known all our lives that it deserves both a name—Real Love—and definition of its own: Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not Real Love when other people like us for doing what they want. Under those conditions we’re just paying for love again. We can be certain that we’re receiving Real Love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated at us. That is Real Love (true unconditional love), and that love alone has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.
What we Do Without Real Love: Imitation Love
If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the moment—money, anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, power, and the conditional approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love becomes a form of Imitation Love, and although Imitation Love feels good for a moment, it never lasts and never gives us the feeling of genuine happiness that Real Love provides.
Most people spend their entire lives trying to fill their emptiness with Imitation Love, but all they achieve is an ever-deepening frustration, punctuated by brief moments of superficial satisfaction. All the unhappiness in our lives is due to that lack of Real Love and to the frustration we experience as we desperately and hopelessly try to create happiness from a flawed foundation of Imitation Love. The beauty of Real Love is that it ALWAYS will eliminate our anger, confusion, and pain. So how do we find this universal cure?
Finding Real Love
Finding Real Love, Unconditional LoveAs people learn the principles of Real Love, they almost uniformly ask how they can find and feel the real thing. They want to feel the actual power of Real Love.
Fortunately, there are so many courses of action we can take to find Real Love and experience its healing power.
1. Study. Read the book Real Love. Watch the Essentials of Real Love online or on the six-DVD set. The more we study these true, lifegiving principles, the more we tend to feel the power that emanates from them.
2. Participate in the forums offered here on There you can tell the truth about yourself and feel the acceptance from those who can see, accept and love you.
3. Hire a Real Love Coach. Many people have found the guidance of a professional coach indispensable as they learn and apply the principles of Real Love. You can learn more about coaching at
4. Join a Real Love Group. If one is not available, take the steps to form one. Share the Real Love book or the Essentials DVDs with friends, and as you do that, you will naturally find people who express an interest in the principles of Real Love. Gradually, you can ask these people if they have an interest in joining you in a Real Love study group.
5. Gradually accumulate a group of people that you can communicate with by phone or in person every day. Make a habit of communicating with at least one person every day who is capable of loving you unconditionally. You will find these people as you take the steps described above.
6. Attend the Real Love seminars you find listed on the website under Events and Seminars .
As you take these steps, and tell the truth about yourself to other people—especially about your mistakes, flaws, and fears—they can finally see you as you really are. They can accept you and give you unconditional love, as indicated in this simple diagram:
Truth Right pointing arrow Seen Right pointing arrow Accepted Right pointing arrow Loved
When you feel enough of the unconditional love of others, you'll have the most important treasure in life. The wounds of the past will heal—wounds caused by insufficient Real Love—and you'll feel whole and happy. As your emptiness and fear are eliminated by Real Love, you'll simply have no need to use Getting and Protecting Behaviors. Without those behaviors, you'll find relationships with others relatively effortless and will begin finding the happiness you've always wanted.
We have now seen the powerfully healing effects of Real Love in the lives of tens of thousands of individuals. Impossibly unhappy marriages now thrive, angry and rebellious children now turn to their parents for love and guidance, singles are finding partners interested in a relationship based on Real Love instead of trading in the sure disappointment of Imitation Love, and divisive and unproductive corporate cultures are become nurturing and supportive. Visit daily to get the relationship advice and tools that will help you replace your anger, confusion and addictions with peace, confidence, and happiness.

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