Is "Just Friends" The Coward's Way Out?

By Dr. Bonnie Weil

Over and over society seems to say that men and women can't be "just friends."


Over and over society seems to say that men and women can't be "just friends." An article in the New York Times delineates these points (http://nyti.ms/HuAc3q) from When Harry Met Sally, to more recent movies like Friends With Benefits. But sex and relationship therapist Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil takes the idea of "just friends" and turns it on its head: what if this is the coward's way out?


Dr. Bonnie explains that adding in sex and intimacy into a relationship is more tricky so some people opt to take the friends-only root. "That's not to say that every male/female friendship should end in marriage or that every such relationship harbors repressed romantic feelings. But often there is at least one member of the friendship who hopes for something more but doesn't act on it."


Relationships are hard and intimacy is difficult and Dr. Bonnie believes many times people resign themselves to being in a friendship because the expectations are lower. "People don't have to be as vulnerable," she says, "so they don't get as hurt. They don't have to let their guard down which is what happens when sexual attraction enters into the equation." Not every male/female relationship has one person (or both people!) waiting for the opportunity to share their true feelings, but for those that do, it can be a rocky road.


Of course, there are good and bad ways to declare love! And for this reason Dr. Bonnie recommends using her Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue. Developed to help couples navigate stormy waters, they can also facilitate open communication within a friendship. "Have this conversation with the other person at a time and place where you can accurately and honestly explain how you feel," advises Dr. Bonnie. "Each person should know that it is a safe place to be open and honest without fear of repercussion."


Friendship is much less risky - but so much of experiencing life is about risk. "Yes," admits Dr. Bonnie, "it's risky to tell someone how you feel especially if you're worried you might ruin the friendship. But isn't it just a different kind of risk to keep those feelings inside and not allow yourself the possibility of exploring a relationship?"


Text ADULTERY to 82257 to find out from Dr Bonnie if adultery or affairs may be looming in your relationship!


Interested in a few dating tips from internationally acclaimed relationship therapist Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil? Text DATINGTIPS to 82257 to receive Tips and Updates from Dr. Bonnie!


Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil's best-selling book, Adultery the Forgivable Sin is being re-released under a new distributor and making its appearance available in eBook format and print on Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com/Adultery-Forgivable-Bonnie-Eaker-Weil/dp/158776815...). Adultery the Forgivable Sin was also made into a Lifetime Original Movie starring Kate Jackson.


Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, is also author of the 2010 New York Times Reader’s Choice Award-winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD. Dr. Bonnie is a marriage counselor treating couples, singles, and step families. She works with those considering breaking up, people who have committed adultery, and couples who want to strengthen their relationships damaged by resentment or unresolved anger, teaching people to “fight” to increase passion, bring back magic and restore the sizzle.


As a marriage and family therapist, Dr. Bonnie teaches Smart Heart Dialogue along with intimacy, communication, and connection tools, and counsels families and children.


Named the Best Local New York Therapist by the US Commerce Association two years in a row (2011 and 2012) and known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of other books like Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Making Money Sexy.


Dr. Bonnie was named by Psychology Today and NY Magazine as one of America's Best Therapists and is presently featured and available now on the Discovery Health/Oprah Winfrey Network documentary titled "Unfaithful" (http://bit.ly/GSP0KB) and A&E on addictions. The San Francisco Chronicle, which interviews Dr. Bonnie regularly, voted her one of their love experts.


Also find her on Good Morning America, on the Today Show's three-day series on infidelity, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, and a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN; and is often featured in USA Today and the New York Times. Visit Dr. Bonnie at http://www.DoctorBonnie.com.


Is "Just Friends" The Coward's Way Out?

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Is It Time To Spring Clean Your Life?

By Kim Olver

12 often neglected areas to assess to see if the old still serves you or you need something new!


In our fast-paced, throwaway society, it's easy to just throw something away because you've had it a while or you're just simply tired of it. When you spring clean your life, the question to ask yourself is whether or not each of these areas is serving you or if it's time for something new! Here are 12 areas to consider.


1. Finances: Review the financial aspects of your life. Are you where you want to be? Do you have habits that support or sabotage what you want? What are you already doing well? What would you like to do even better? What needs polishing, cleaning, laundering or fixing? What do you need to throw out to make room for the new? Will Money Ruin Your Relationship?

2. Relationships: Sometimes when we do a careful review of our relationships, we find ourselves connected to people who really don't nurture us, but instead drain us. Can you eliminate those people from your life or at least greatly diminish the amount of time you spend with them? Do you have the strong, healthy support network you want to help you be successful? Are you investing the kind of time in your relationships you want? Do you get a good return on your investment? What are you already doing well in your relationships? What, if anything, would you like to do even better? 


3. Your Knowledge Base: What are your learning goals for the year? Are you setting goals to learn about things that will help you in your life or are you trying to learn things that might be better handled by someone else operating in their expertise? What are your strengths in knowledge? Where are your gaps? What do you need to throw out to make room for the new?


4. Health: Good health is a stated priority for many, but often our behavior doesn't add up. Are you as healthy as you'd like to be? What habits do you have that are helping in the health department? What habits might need to be abandoned or changed in order to get the results you want? Health Help: What Does 'Eating Well' Really Mean?

5. Your Beliefs/Faith: Our beliefs about things really dictate the actions we take. Sometimes our beliefs serve us and sometimes they don't. It's time to look in your belief closet and determine which ones should stay, which ones can be packed up for the Good Will and which need to be thrown away. Keep the ones that help you, adjust the ones that need adjusting and toss out the ones that get in your way.


6. Service to Others: We are all put here on this Earth to be of service to others. How are you fulfilling your mission? Are you pleased with your level of service to others? What are you doing well? What would you like to improve? You may want to dust off some old behavior or create new ones. 


7. Service to Self: If you are excelling in your service to others, you may be neglecting you service to self or vice versa. In your spring cleaning, you are basically looking for balance. Should you focus on one area to the exclusion of others, you will have "messes" popping up all over the place. What are you doing well to take care of yourself? What new can you add to do it even better?


8. Thoughts: If you are alive, your brain is functioning and talking to you all day long. Sometimes our thoughts are healthy and help us, but many times, they are limiting what we are able to accomplish. Take the time to be mindful by bringing your thoughts to your conscious awareness. Stop sweeping them under the rug and throw away the garbage, while strengthening the thoughts that strengthen you.


9. Behaviors: Behaviors mainly refer to the activities in which we engage. Are there things you do that waste your precious time? Are there behaviors you have that sabotage the things you really want by doing what "feels good" in the moment? (This coming from me who just ate a piece of decadent chocolate cake!) It's time to spring clean your habits. Which ones help you? Keep those. Identify the ones that don't and replace them with something new and improved.


10. Your Stories/Perceptions: We make up stories all the time, mainly about other people and their motivations. We have no idea what's in other people's minds, but we regularly tell ourselves stories about it. We want closure or a complete picture so we fill in the blanks. We think people are mad at us, don't like us, think we're unattractive, etc. without any evidence to support it.


I say, "If you are going to make up stories, at least make up ones that help you feel better, instead of worse." Check the stories you tell yourself and see if you can replace the hurtful ones with kinder ones. Your mental life will be much cleaner if you do.


11. Your Values: Most of us developed our value system early through the process of acculturation that began the moment our parents brought us home from the hospital. The process continues in our educational and religious institutions and our exposure to our communities and the media. We don't even take the time to assess whether or not our values are serving us because they don't feel like choices — they often feel like unequivocal truth. Now is the time to closely examine those values you hold dear and ask yourself if they are really true or just an opinion.


If they are just an opinion, (and they are), then you can let go of the need to get everyone to see the "truth" in your values and simply let them be what they are...your opinion. This one effort at spring cleaning will reap huge rewards as you allow others to have their own junk in their junk drawer, just as you have junk in yours. They are treasures to each of you and you wouldn't think of censoring what someone else should or shouldn't have in their junk drawer.


12. Your Goals: Finally, I want you to spring clean your goals. Yes, that's right. Did you ever set a goal and stubbornly cling to accomplishing it, long after it lost its meaning to you? Sometimes situations change and certain goals no longer make sense in our present circumstances. Take the time to examine your goals to see which ones you want to keep, which need polishing and which can be packed up and let go.


Follow this spring cleaning procedures in these dozen areas and you will be lighter, more expansive and better focused to move through your summer, fall and winter seasons. Think of it as a tune up to get your life tweaked so you can be in balance and aligned with the things that are truly important in your life.


Is It Time To Spring Clean Your Life?

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April showers are here, and what better way to make the best of it than by feasting our eyes on some hot guys kissing in the rain? From Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner to Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, and some surprises in between, check out the steamiest make-out sessions in the wet weather in this fun PopSugarTV special! Plus, if you're a fan of this video, don't miss Hot Guys Saying I Love You. So, which kiss is your favorite?

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“When Me And My Boyfriend Broke Up, I Messed Around With His Best Friend”

by Terrance Dean

Almost two years ago I met this guy while I was waiting on line at the store. We’d never spoken before, but I knew of him in high school and he had a history of bouncing from girl to girl.

He’s very good-looking, charming, ambitious, and somehow he finds a way to make extreme confidence look sexy (as Remy Ma would say, “He got a reason”). When he approached me I knew what to expect from a guy like him. I figured he had way too many options to feel the need to be a ONE woman kind of man, and we’re youngin’s in our 20’s, so I didn’t expect a wedding ring. After a six month relationship I was in prior to, I just wanted to have some fun. No-strings attached, exactly what his type wants surprise, surprise.

Four months into our “relationship,” he decides that HE wants a commitment, and I’m reluctant at first, but gradually I warm up to the idea—It’s not as if I was sleeping with anyone else, he just didn’t know that— and our relationship turns serious.

—-> Enter stage left: HIS CRAZY ASS EX!! And by ex I mean ex-plaything. They were never in a committed relationship and she couldn’t care less about me until she realized me and homeboy was getting serious. She schemed and manipulated and stirred the pot in every way she could, and he ended up cheating on me with her one night after we got into a huge fight about me, “not caring” (I can’t win with this one. If I ask 21 questions and attack every floosy on his Facebook flirting then I’m an angry-nagging black woman, but if I don’t get jealous and I trust the guy completely then it means I  don’t give a -ish. WTF?!)

I didn’t find out about it until months later, but when I did I heard it from his best friend’s ex-girlfriend. She told me this right before letting me in on the fact that my now ex-boyfriend’s best friend– the one who always went out of his way to tease and clown me, had feelings for me, to the extent that she ended their relationship. The whole night was a soap opera in the making. 

Now I’m sure you know exactly where this is going. I was upset and hurt when I found out, and on the night in question, more than a little drunk after the news. After I broke up with him and stormed out of the party, his best friend took me home . Tears led to hugging, that led to kissing, and we didn’t actually sleep together — I stopped it before it got that far–but he’s his BEST FRIEND of over 10 years, since childhood, so in a way I might as well have.

My ex has been begging me for another chance, and I love him. I really do. I understand that people mistakes — me with his BFF case & point—and, I’m willing to forgive him and work towards trusting him again, but I’m pretty sure he wont forgive me, or his best friend, for what almost happened. Even though we weren’t together at the time, I don’t think it matters.

I’ve accepted the double standard for myself, but I don’t want to be “the bitch” that ruined their friendship forever. But, I also don’t want to spend the next few years in the same room as them two without addressing it. They both have feelings for me and even if I did have a moment with his best friend –if I’m being completely honest, we have developed a close friendship over the past two years— My EX is the one I want to be with. Should I keep my mouth shut and hope his friend never says a word or confess? Is admitting a kiss really worth ruining two relationships permanently? Do you think my ex could get past it with either of us? – Ms. Damned If I Do Or Don’t

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Morning After: Follow Through Or Flee?

It’s 8am and in addition to having the hangover from hell, you need to make some quick decisions.  You see all of your things in a corner: you can either make a quick getaway and let him wake up alone, or you can make some pancakes and surprise him with breakfast in bed.  How do you decide what the next move is without giving the wrong signals?




Let’s say you want out… now: Leaving in a hurry could be a really bad decision.  Unless the night was a COMPLETE mistake, you should probably give him a heads up.  What if you try to make a quick getaway and pull a Cinderella by leaving something behind  that could lead him to you? Even if this isn’t someone that you ever want to see again, let him know.  You don’t want him to think you’re interested and continue to contact you until you have to block his number.  Pull the “late for a meeting” excuse and jet.  The easiest way to avoid future contact without sounding completely rude is by avoiding giving out your contact information.


Is Long Distance The Wrong Distance?


You had fun? Keep it going without coming off as clingy: If this is someone that you like and want to see again, you want to let him know without seeming too serious too fast.  Throw on his dress shirt and get both of you some coffee.  Have a small breakfast together and leave.  Don’t stay for too long, and he will probably want to get dinner with you later that night.  This is when you might want to pull a Cinderella.  If you’re feeling adventurous, leave behind a little something (make up, scarf) that he will hold onto until you see each other again.


Unsure? Need some more time? Give yourself a few days so that you don’t keep doing the same thing then regretting it.  Make a plan for later in the week and see how you feel until then.  Use that time to try to figure out his deal and decide if it’s something that you want to pursue.  Just remember that one drunken night doesn’t make you obligated to see him again- It’s important to do what you want to.


3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship


Morning After: Follow Through Or Flee?

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“I Met Him Online, Gave Him My Number, But He Hasn’t Given Me His & He Wants Me To Visit Him”

by Terrance Dean



I have been on this dating/flirt website for about two years now. I get on there every so often and whenever I’m bored. That’s it. But, one day I got on there and was browsing through the different guys pictures and profiles and I came across this one sexy guy’s pictures and profile. I just had to get to know more about him because he was just that sexy to me.


We started sending each other messages back and forth and he told me some things about him, and I told him some basic things about me. I didn’t take him serious at first. It was just flirting, but then as we started sending each other more messages I was very eager to talk to him off of the site. So, I suggested we should exchange numbers. I sent him my number to let him know I am definitely interested in him and that I want to get to know more about him. His response was like, “I got you mami.” I asked why you can’t send me your number and he never actually gave me a direct response or an answer. So, I left it alone and didn’t even think nothing of it, and we just kept sending messages back and forth.


So, a year passed and we were still sending each other messages. At this point I’m still not really taking with him too serious. This year makes it two years and we still are sending each other messages. Long story short, we started talking about him wanting me to come see him and how he wants to see me in person, and I was like I would love to come see him and all but he hasn’t even given me his number yet, and never gave me a direct answer on why he couldn’t send me his number. So, I said to him that I want to be able to hear his voice instead of us keep sending each other messages because now I’m really interested in him even more. So, I sent him my number for the second time and then I was waiting for him to send me his number, but, yet again his response was once again, “I got you mami.”


At this point my female intuition is in full force and I’m thinking the obvious, either he has a woman and they stay together, or he’s married. At this point that’s a red flag to me and he is not being real with me and not being honest with me, which I didn’t want to think the obvious of those options. Moral of the story is that I really want to go and visit him me and a few friends this summer, but the main issue/problem remains is that I do not have his number. I’ve told him that I’m not coming unless he produces/sends me his number, and he was like he was going to give me his number when I get ready to come.


Should I hold him to his word on that? I just want to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume the obvious. If I decide not to go, then I feel that I won’t get to at least find out in person if I can get my questions answered honestly. What is your honest opinion/advice on this issue/problem? Should I just leave the situation alone and delete my profile? What are the exact questions I should be asking him? – Undecided and Confused


Dear Ms. Undecided and Confused,


Hold up, let me grab my big bag of cheddar cheese popcorn and turn on the television. I want to be ready when the breaking news graphics comes across my television for the upcoming news….One moment…..One moment….One moment….Okay, I’m ready.


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Ultimate Orgasm Guide

 

By: 

Gillian Telling 

  

      

  

The first orgasm I ever had with a guy was in the shower with my college boyfriend, who was just using his hands. I was so shocked it worked that I couldn’t stop laughing and saying, “Oh, my God, I came!” (He must have suddenly wondered about my previous theatrics in bed.) But that was the first and last time a hand job ever worked for me, in the shower or out of it. Later on I found I could only get off from oral, and sometime later it was only straight-up screwing that worked. 

 

Yes, the female orgasm can be a tricky little beast, but make no mistake: When we come, it’s freaking amazing. It’s white lights and stars, an ecstatic, almost out-of-body experience. And if you’re the one who manages to get us there, we’ll be absolute putty in your hands. That’s why we’re giving you a sneak peek into the nitty-gritty details of lady orgasms—the moves that make our toes curl and our insides shudder—so that you’ll never go to bed unprepared.

  

It’s Like…Whoa
Just like we all take different routes to the big O, every woman experiences it a little bit differently. The one commonality? Awesomeness. Susie,* a 28-year-old event planner, says her orgasms are “better than any drug in the world. For me it’s like a wave of warmth that starts in my toes, then climbs over the rest of my body until I’m completely hot and shaking. I’ll feel like my genitals are trembling and I’m almost on fire.”    

 

For some girls it’s not the orgasm itself but the moments immediately following that are the peak of ecstasy. “The best part for me is afterward, when I feel like I have this aura around me, this bright, warm glow of orgasm, and I feel so damn happy,” says Corinne, a 30-year-old physical therapist. “Sometimes I even want to cry.” And let’s not forget the lucky girl who can actually come over and over—the multiple orgasmer. “When I finish coming, I typically have about 30 seconds of downtime before the second wave begins,” says Mackenzie, a 26-year-old sales assistant, who feels a sensation of heat similar to that described by Susie when she comes. “Then the rush of blood and that kind of low-level electricity begin again and build to even more intensity the second time around. Multiple orgasms are without a doubt the best part of being a woman.”

  

The Road to O-Town, Part I
So what does it take to bring a girl to these body-shaking, earth-quaking highs? The good news is, for some women intercourse does the job…though maybe not as easily as it does for you. Since our bodies don’t come with an outward appendage that’s like a neon sign saying touch this, it can be a challenge to find the right spot to hit. And the vagina, by the way, usually isn’t it. 

 

Most girls report that no matter the position they’re in for sex, simultaneous clitoral stimulation is key. During missionary sex, this can be a simple matter of lining your hips up with hers. “I can only come when the guy’s on top,” says Marni, a 33-year-old grad student. “I basically need his head to be past mine and our torsos in constant contact, so that with every thrust he’s pushing against my clit. I’ll grind my hips up into his, and after a few minutes, boom, I’m there.” A lot of girls prefer to be on top so they can control the pace, pressure, and location of all that friction. Erica, a 27-year-old nanny, says she needs to be straddling her guy, pelvis to pelvis, to come: “He feels amazing inside me, but just sliding in and out won’t work. My clit needs to rub against him at the same time.” 

 

There are those special few women who don’t seem to need quite that much clitoral attention to come, such as 31-year-old Sabine, whose orgasm trigger is doggie-style sex. “I'm not sure what it is, but when I’m getting it from behind, I just lose control,” she says. “Sometimes the guy will reach around for my clit, but I’d rather have him fondle my nipples or put his fingers in my mouth for me to bite down on. Maybe I’m weird, but that gets me off, hard.”

 

The Road to O-Town, Part II
For those who need maximum stimulation, there’s one kind of sex that works like a charm: oral. “It’s failproof,” says Jenni, 25, a teacher. “I’ve never not gotten off from oral sex. Never.” Katie, a 26-year-old Web editor, concurs, though she prefers it with a couple of extra bells and whistles. “I love when a guy puts his fingers inside me while he’s licking me,” she says. “If he tickles my G-spot, it’s an incredible sensation. My eyes will roll back, and I’ll start moaning.” If she’s into what you’re doing, she’ll keep her hands on your head or shoulders and start rocking her hips—but pay attention to her movements. “The only thing that hinders me sometimes with oral is too much pressure,” says Jeanine, a 28-year-old pharmaceutical sales rep. “I might wiggle away to hint that I want his tongue flicking me rather than pushing. But if he goes lightly and firmly in the same pattern, over and over, I’m gone in two minutes.” 

 

Don’t underestimate the power of hands, either—yours or hers. Suzanne, a 27-year-old PR specialist, says she likes to be on top, but with a catch. “I have to touch myself while I’m on top in order to get off,” she says. “And I like nipple stimulation, too. So I’ll have one hand on my clit, and I’ll lick my fingers on the other and rub them against my tits.” In fact, this, um, multipronged approach is the orgasm formula for lots of girls. “I prefer a guy to use his tongue on my breasts, flicking it against my nipples while his hand rubs my clit,” says Isabel, 32, a real estate agent. “And what really pushes me over the edge—but I’ll allow it only if I’m really comfortable with someone—is, at the same time, a finger on my back door. Not in it, just touching it.”

 

The fastest ticket to the big O for many women is the vibrator—particularly when they incorporate it into sex with you. “I always used mine with my ex,” says Lauren, 23, a marketing intern. “He was awesome in bed, really attentive; I just had a hard time finishing. He loved it because it guaranteed that I came, too, so he didn’t have to feel guilty. He liked to use it on me and watch me use it on myself.” Most women are shy about bringing a vibe into the bedroom, because they don’t want you to feel threatened. But as Jackie, a 25-year-old sales assistant, explains, “It’s a double whammy! It feels so amazing to have his dick and the vibration at the same time.” 

 

Was it Good for Her?
There are some physical things that happen to all women when they orgasm (contractions of the vaginal walls being the main one). But there are plenty of other ways to tell when you’ve done right by her. “My guy always knows when I’ve had a real, intense orgasm because I fall right asleep afterward,” says Susie. “They really wipe you out!” 

 

A lot of women also can’t help but, well, freak out when they’re climaxing—and not with the squeaky monkey noises you might hear from the ladies of porn; we’re talking filthy, almost Tourette’s-like outbursts. “I scream. I mean, things come out of my mouth that are insanely dirty and nasty,” says Corinne. “¿‘Fuck me harder! Fuck my pussy! Oh, my God, don’t stop, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!’ That’s pretty much what I say every time.” Sarah, a 23-year-old dance instructor, says she also gets major potty mouth when she’s having an orgasm: “I get louder and louder and tell my boyfriend to fuck me as hard as he can so I can come all over his cock. That sets him off, too, so we can even come together sometimes.” Of course, moaning and gasping are good indicators, too. “I can hardly breathe when I’m coming,” says Anna, a 29-year-old graphic designer. “I gasp and gasp and sometimes even kind of unintentionally hold my breath until I’m finished and can heave that big sigh of relief.”

 

However we get there, whatever works for us, every woman loves the intense pleasure of an orgasm so much that most of us refuse to fake it once we’ve had one. After all, why do ourselves a disservice by not getting the real deal? So if you see these signs, give yourself a pat on the back: You’ve just given her the ride of her life. 

Ultimate Orgasm Guide

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