Saturday, March 17, 2012

Men, would you cheat on your partner if you knew you wouldn't get caught?

A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

This is a question for the men that have been married for quite some time or are in a long term relationship. 

Are you truely happy/satisfied with your wife sexually?

I was reading an article the other day about "spicing" yourrelationship up. One guy admitted to liking when his wife surprised himby dressing up seductively, wore a brunette wig ( she's normally blond)and talked to him in a foreign accent while they had sex.

There were many other suggestions on the list. This one bothered meespecially because it came across to me that he was entertained by thethought of it being another woman, as if it were someone different. Ihave heard of this before.

A couple of years ago, one of my married co-workers came on to mesexually... He seemed like he had it all??... a beautiful, sweet wifeand two children together. They seemed happy together. He explained tome that he was bored at home. He wanted to touch, smell and"experience" the thrill of sex with someone new. He loved his wifedearly and would never leave her and the kids but... he was tired ofthe same old thing and wanted to have sex with me! (and probably otherstoo) I was disguested... There was no excuse in my book for this kindof behavior.

Do all men feel this way? Or most? I see so much smut everywhere. It'seven on satellite radio. My boyfriend has it and on every station,there is a man causually talking about f****** this woman or that womanlike it's no big deal... I can't listen to it. Makes me sick. Can menreally seperate their feelings?

Guys, if you could have a one night stand with another woman (and therewas no way your wife or girlfriend would ever find out.) Could you livewith yourself? Please give me some insight on this. Thanks.

co-worker, one night stand

Reply to this Question

A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes 

Not a guy, but just pointing out that women cheat in almost equalnumbers now. Most men won't cheat, only 22% of married men have done itin their current marriage according to the most recent surveys. Not allmen are lying scumbags like your coworker. The media shows way morecheating and casual sex than actually goes on in the real world.

Big Questions, Cheating, Pornography, Sex, Three is a crowd, Trust issues

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

7 months

 My ex travelled across Europe to declare his love for me, to tell me he was obsessed with me. He planned a party so I could meet more of his friends and to help me have some fun after an important hospital appointment.

 After he left to go back to his city, a few days later, when I was in bed recovering from my hospital appointment, I received an email from him telling me it was over. A week later, he got together with a girl at that party. I didn't know this when I travelled to his city for work and we met up. The day after, I told him I still loved him. Then he told me he never loved me. I sent a few crazy messages after that. Silly, I know, but I was devastated and angry. I was so reluctant to get into a relationship with him in the beginning but he persuaded me to give him a go. He earned my trust despite my fears. And he ended up screwing me over big time. The irony. I felt like such an idiot for opening up.

 We've spoken a few times since then, twice on the phone but mainly messages. But it's always been me to initiate. He hasn't tried to contact me or say hi or ask about my hospital appointment -- not even once. I can't begin to describe how that makes me feel.

 We were going to meet up in January when I visited his city again but didn't because I found out he was away with his girlfriend and her family over the weekend. He had time for lunch on the Monday but I didn't feel up to it. I've sent a few nice messages, telling him how I wished him all the best, how I hope his girlfriend is a better girlfriend than I was. He replied that things were going great.

 Man, it's been 7 months and it still hurts like hell. The first man I properly loved in years. I finally opened up and look what happened.

 You're probably asking -- why the hell did you contact him and try to meet up? Well, I thought by being friends, it would show he cared on some level and that it would get rid of any bad feelings. And it would have done if he simply sent one message or made one phone call to say hi or ask how I am. That's all. I'm friends with all of my exs -- they're all great, we get along great. They're all gentlemen who make the time for me -- and vice versa. But I guess not everyone can handle being friends with an ex.

 I have been very depressed but I feel like things are improving. I'm not a crying mess anymore. But it can still make me feel like I've been punched in the gut and unable to breath. When will that go? I feel embarrassed that it's been 7 months and I'm still here with these feelings. But I guess it shows I have a heart. When I love someone, I really mean it. I can't just go and sleep with someone else a week later. Hell, 7 months on, and I'm still single.

 I've avoided men because I didn't want a rebound and I wanted time to heal. For a while, I thought I'd be single for years. But I'm starting to feel like I could be open to the idea of a relationship.

 I have been approached about a job in his city. It's my dream job. Interview coming up. Sometimes I think I won't be able to stand seeing him around with his girlfriend (it's a small city, I will definitely see them), and at other times, I look forward to the opportunity to show them I am ok, strong, happy etc. But I'm trying to forget now. I hope i get this job so I can make a fresh start for myself.

 Not sure what the point of my post is. Just venting and sharing, I suppose. 

Thanks for reading. Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Dating For Love

Do You Believe in Chemistry?

By David Wygant

I had an interesting conversation with a client last night.

He asked me the same question over and over again.

It’s a question that a lot of guys ask me:

“What do you think of the women that just don’t want to talk to you?”


“I don’t understand why they just don’t want to talk to me. Shouldn’t I be able to relate to them?”

Take a look at what I just wrote.

Shouldn’t I be able to relate to them?

Think about this for a second:

Do you get along with everybody at work? Are you friends with everybody at work, or is there one or two people that you just really don’t like?

You know, they walk into the office and you just want to avoid them. You could both be walking to the water cooler, and even though you’re thirsty, you’d turn and walk back to your desk.

You know, the person that traps you in the bathroom and talks your ear off or the person you don’t want to ride the elevator down with. They always just rub you the wrong way.

When you go out and meet a bunch of guys, like at a friend’s backyard BBQ, do you like every one of them? There’s that guy, with the breath, drinking his Natural Ice, and he starts talking to you nonstop and you’re just like, “Dude, you’re boring.

When you go to the gym and work out, aren’t there just some people there that you just don’t ever want to talk to? There’s something about them that just turns you off. You’ve tried to have conversations with them, and they’re just not really fun to talk to. They’re boring.

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

How come, when it comes down to the same sex or coworkers, you don’t care? I never hear any of you whining, “Oh my God, I went to this party last night, and there was this dude there, man, and he just — he just — I don’t know. He just rejected me, didn’t want to talk to me. I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?”

I’ve never heard any guys say, “Man, I was at the gym tonight, and I was working out, and this guy walked into my set, and he just like — I don’t know, man. He just didn’t seem to like me at all. I don’t understand. Why didn’t he like me? I tried to talk to him while he was benching and he just didn’t want to talk to me at all. It’s like…I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he like me? What’s wrong? Is there anything wrong with me?”

You don’t say this, because you don’t care.

There are people in life that you just don’t get along with; people that you don’t have chemistry with; people that you have nothing in common with.

It’s the same way with women.

But yet, why are you so obsessed with women—trying to get all of them to like you, all of them to want to be with you? You think that there’s some magic that allows you to basically have chemistry with every woman you meet.

And why do you get so freaked out when a woman that you handpicked does not want to talk to you at all? Why does it bother you? She’s just another person.

If she were a dude, you wouldn’t care at all.

But because she’s a woman, you get all bent out of shape and then you think there’s something wrong with you.

You need to keep the same principles in line when communicating with either men or women.

could care less if a woman doesn’t want to talk to me or a man doesn’t want to talk to me.I could care less. It means that just there’s nothing going on. We’ve got nothing in common. We have no chemistry. There’s no spark between us.

I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me, not even for a second.

I feel great when I walk away from somebody who I just don’t relate to. And that’s the key here: feeling really amazing about yourself. Being able to cultivate that feeling every single day is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself.

By doing this and becoming a powerful person, you’re going to walk around with a lot more self confidence and you’ll see yourself a lot higher in the pecking order of life.

Go out and have fun. Be amazing. Be awesome.

And don’t feel bad if everybody else can’t relate to your high level of awesomeness.

Do You Believe in Chemistry?
Dating For Love

It's Official: Bobbi Kristina Brown Is Engaged To "Step Brother" Nick Gordon. Is Wearing One Of Whitney Houston's Diamond Rings To Seal The Deal

by ChasinDatPaper

t looks like all of the rumors can be put to bed now. Bobbi Kristina Brown and Nick Gordon are officially engaged according to US Weekly.

19-year old Bobbi is the only child of Bobby Brown and late singer Whitney Houston, and who died suddenly on February 11 at the age of 48. Gordon, now 22-years old, was practically raised by Houston from the time he was 12-years although he was never formerly adopted.

The couple is reportedly living together in one of Houston's Atlanta homes. Bobbi is using one of her deceased mom's diamond rings as an engagement ring to Nick.

"The situation is beyond sad," a source told US Weekly. "Whitney never formally adopted Nick, but he lived with her and Bobbi Kristina from the age of twelve and they were raised like brother and sister. Nick came from a really bad background. Bobbi Kristina is still so vulnerable since her mother passed away. But Nick has become like her rock."

Bobby Brown and Whitney's mother, Cissy Houston, are "upset" and "worried" about the romance.

This situation gets a little more strange every day. 
Dating For Love

Friday, March 16, 2012

Reader's Dilemma: I Regret Losing My Virginity, But I Want to Keep Dating the Guy.

by Gena Kaufman

You guys have told me all about your first times, so I know some of you didn't have the best experiences. Well, a confused reader just had sex for the first time, but she regrets it. Let's try to talk her through it...

She writes:
Dear Smitten, OK, so I should probably start out with a little background info: I'm a 21-year-old virgin (or I was). I have been dating this guy for about a week and I lost my virginity to him and now I regret it but I still want to be with him and he wants to be with me. How do I deal with the awkward feelings without chasing him away? I really really like him and I'm confused. Please help. Sincerely, Confused and in Love

First things first: You didn’t mention why you regret losing your virginity. If the problem is that the guy or anything he did made you feel uncomfortable (see advice on a similar Reader Dilemma here), you need to stop seeing him or at the very least, have a very serious discussion with him.

However, if you feel like you moved too fast, or it’s just a personal decision that you’re not ready to have sex, that’s completely understandable. Everyone is ready at different times, and just because you’ve done it once does not mean you can’t stop. But you do need to have a talk with your guy. It’s only fair to let him know your feelings so he doesn’t think he did something wrong. And to be extra fair, I would do it before things start getting hot and heavy again. It will be easier for both of you to have a rational discussion if you're not all worked up and half dressed. Just calmly explain to him that although you like him and you really like spending time with him, you’ve decided that you’re just not at a point where you’re ready to have sex and you don’t want to do it again until you say otherwise. If he has questions, you should answer them and talk about it honestly, but if he pressures you to change your mind, ditch him.

Let’s be frank here: He might be disappointed. And yes, there are some guys that might not want to keep dating you if you took sex off the table. Reasonable disappointment is one thing, but if he's one of those guys, he might ditch you. I know it will hurt if he doesn't want to stay together, but you're really better off. He probably wasn't going to be around much longer than a week if all he wanted from you was sex anyway.

Let’s be frank here: He might be disappointed. And yes, there are some guys that might not want to keep dating you if you took sex off the table. Reasonable disappointment is one thing, but if he's one of those guys, he might ditch you. I know it will hurt if he doesn't want to stay together, but you're really better off. He probably wasn't going to be around much longer than a week if all he wanted from you was sex anyway.

Last thought: I know losing your virginity is thought of as a big deal, and it is in a way. But it doesn't change who you are as a person and it doesn't dictate your behavior going forward. It's just a thing you tried, and you don't have to try it again until you want to. I really hope you won't let regret get in your way anymore.

Does anyone else have any different advice for our reader? Has anyone had a similar situation? Is it awkward to take sex off the table once you've already done it?

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  • Dating For Love 

    Ask Dr. Sherry: Why Can't I Get a Man's Attention?

    By Dr. Sherry

    You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone In Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show "Braxton Family Values," and now it's your turn to sit in her chair. We asked our Facebook fans what they'd like to ask Dr. Sherry, and boy did the burning questions start rolling in. She wants to help you too, and she will. What would you like to ask Dr. Sherry? Email us your questions now! 

    Q: Can a woman give off vibes to deter attention from men? I used to think it was my weight that made men uninterested in me, but I lost quite a bit of it, and I still get zero attention from men. What can I do to catch their eye? – Nicole Brooks

    A: Yes, we do give off vibes both verbally and non-verbally. Many times women mistakenly think that it is only their size that prevents them from getting attention from men. However, it is often more of a “mind set” than sheer size that attracts men or pushes them away. Frequently, overweight women tell themselves that they are unattractive, undesirable, and/or uninteresting. These descriptions are often accompanied by thoughts of “no one really wants me” and “I will never find anyone.” Television, movies, and magazines often reinforce these negative thoughts. Rarely do we see overweight women as the “model” or the “leading woman.” It is usually the size 2 or 4 woman that is smiling, attractive, and appearing to be having all the fun. She is also the woman with the attractive male in the picture. Given that these messages are often reinforced from childhood, we grow to believe them. To our surprise, the negative thoughts remain long after we lose the weight because it has become a part of our belief system. So women may work hard to become the size 2 or 4, but mentally they hold on to the thoughts they had when they were a larger size. Physically they may have changed but mentally they have remained the same. That is why it is so important to work on both the physical and mental aspects of your life when making changes.  

    The issue of weight loss as well as attracting men is really an issue of self-esteem. If you don’t feel good about yourself on the inside, it will show on the outside. Regardless of what size you are, or how you look, you must learn to feel good about who you are. I recommend that you take some time to process your inner feelings and thoughts. I suggest that you do this with a psychologist or a qualified therapist. You should be commended for achieving your goal of losing weight. But remember that it is not just the weight that will attract men or push them away. Therefore, you owe it to yourself to process your feelings and understand what message you are sending to men. Also, this would give you an opportunity to decide what type of man you want to attract. Remember, the choice is ultimately yours. I often tell women that they have the right to choose rather than to be the chosen one. -- Dr. Sherry

    Read more: 

  • Ask Dr. Sherry: How Can Two Single Parents Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work?
  • Ask Dr. Sherry: Are Black Women Too Proud to Find Love?
  • 10 Signs You're a Single Married Woman

  • Dating For Love

    Girl's Best Friend: You Can't Stay Together If You Grow Apart

    When riding the Tube in London, there’s a phrase you hear over and over again, “Mind the Gap.” The recorded message is your reminder that there’s a large space in between the platform and the train. It cautions you to be aware of the gap between the two so you don’t fall and hurt yourself. The same is true when gaps begin to form in relationships, you must mind the gap before it gets too big and hurts your relationship. 

    At the end of last year, I was speaking with one of my sister-friends who has been experiencing a difficult time in her marriage. She and her husband both travel extensively for work and lately, their schedules have not matched. This period followed another rough period in which they had a major disagreement on parenting.

    “Find a way to close the gap between you right now or else it will grow, possibly to an irreparable point,” I admonished. Often, we seek to avoid confrontation and pain becoming ambivalent to situations because it’s easier. Ambivalence, however, is a cancer to a relationship. By not addressing their issues and allowing the distance to grow she was cultivating a bigger problem that could ultimately result in them being completely disconnected.

    Our conversation also made me think of when I was practicing law. I hated it. The more I said I hated it, the more I did. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. It wasn’t until someone gave me the wise advice to stop affirming my hatred of the job that I was able to bear the final two years of practice.

    I encouraged my sister-friend to find the time to speak with her husband about ways they could work on their marriage. Also, find moments for them to reconnect. I found out that they hadn’t been on a vacation alone since their son was born eight years ago. They needed the opportunity before the distance grew too wide.

    Two inverse principles were at play here; that which you give energy/attention to grows in your spirit.  For me, it was the hatred of my job. For my sister-friend, it was the disconnection she was feeling from her husband. Conversely, in relationships, problems you ignore can also grow.

    Over Valentine’s Day weekend, my sister-friend and her husband went on a five-day Caribbean vacation. Nothing like some sand and sun (and cocktails) to put the pep back in your step and in your relationship. Well, my plan worked far better than I imagined. Yesterday, I found out that she’s pregnant again. And, they’ve managed to rekindle their once strong romance.  As a matter of fact, they’re headed on another couple’s vacation in two weeks. It took a minimal amount of effort, but yielded major results.

    2 guys and I have no idea which one to pick!

    A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *ummers_247 writes:

    Dear cupid,

    I can’t decide which man I want to be with! Please can you offer your advice on what I should do?

    There were problems in my relationship with M when I first met S. I hadmoved to university in a new town (though this was already planned whenwe started dating), and the distance was really hard for both of us.Prior to me moving here, I started to notice that there were many gapsin our relationship. I no longer felt intimate about M, he was jealousand insecure, and I wasn't attracted to him anymore. We hardly ever hadsex, and I started to realise that I had never really felt attracted tohim. I had just needed somebody. At a time when I had nobody, he mademe feel wanted, appreciated and loved. Have you ever had a really goodfriend of the opposite sex that you really care about, that reallyimpacts your life and brings out the best in you? He was exactly thatto me, except we started dating.

    In fact, he was many things that I look for in a man - kind,thoughtful, devoted, he would do anything for me, he constantly wentout of his way to please me, complimented me all of the time, he wasromantic, but the physical attraction and the ‘urge’ to be the best forhim and to impress him just wasn’t there. I started doubting things.

    All this was going through my head the first month of university. I wasstill seeing M every other weekend and talking regularly on the phone,when I met S.

    After spending time together with S and our friends, I started torealise that I really liked him.. He was laid-back, funny and veryattractive. There was lots of chemistry between us, and we started tospend more and more time together. Both of us weren’t sure where this‘friendship’ was going, but we got on so well. One weekend, M came downto stay with me and he met all of my friends, including S. We all wentout for a drink and M was the perfect boyfriend – outgoing, friendlyand buying everyone drinks. Everyone appeared to have a good night.That is, except me and S. It’s horrible I know, but though I was with Mthat night, I couldn’t stop thinking that I’d rather have been therewith S. I layed in bed with M wondering what S was doing and thinkingand what the hell I was doing also! How could I stay with M, my bestfriend, the guy that has done so much for me, all I had, when I wasthinking about this other person? Missing this other person? But howcould I leave M for a whim – what if S didn’t turn out to be the personthat I thought he was. What if he wasn’t interested in me like I waswith him? I didn’t want to lose M, but I wanted to pursue thingsfurther with S.

    One night, after an argument with M, I decided that it was better offthat we went our separate ways. I mainly felt guilty about my feelingsfor S, but I didn’t mention anything to him about it. I ended therelationship and immediately broke down. I had finally made a decision,but whether it was the right one or not I wasn’t sure. That night Iwent out for a drink with S.

    I told him that I had ended it with M, and he offered support. He toldme that he could tell that I had been unhappy with the way things wereand he then said that he thought about me all the time, and that it hadbeen really hard for him to express his feelings whilst I had aboyfriend. I told him that I really liked him too and I wanted to startseeing him. We held hands across the table and from that night on,things were different between us. We were together all of the time,going out for meals, going to the cinema, having great sex, and I feltso happy to be with him. Although we weren’t officially dating, peoplejoked that we ‘might as well have been’, and after meeting his familyfor the first time his mum kept nagging at him to ask me out. And hedid.

    All this time, I had M in the back of my mind. I didn’t think about himas such, but I knew that he was still there. He still text meoccasionally and said that he missed me, he also text me saying thingslike ‘I will always love you, I won’t forget you’ and things like that.We had agreed to stay as friends. He was still in my life, and I guessmy way of not contacting him didn’t really deal with the issue and putit to bed. As we rarely saw each other when we were together, thingskind of felt the same between us as we were still in contact.

    After about a month, S started to get a bit ‘comfortable’ in therelationship. He didn’t want to go out and do anything anymore, hedidn’t compliment me as much as before and he started to think justabout himself and he stopped being intimate, sweet and loving andstarted being really lazy and selfish instead. I felt like I wasn’tnumber 1 in his life, like he was number 1 in mine. I felt likeeverything else came first – including his playstation 3! I went backwith him every couple of weekends and his mum was really attentive,caring and lovely but S didn’t even really seem to notice that I wasthere. I felt a little awkward, but I went there to be with S.

    Shortly after that, I was doing some coursework on S’s computer when Istumbled across an internet dating site that he had been visiting. Hehad made a profile and uploaded a picture of himself. When I confrontedhim about it, he said that he had made it months prior to knowing me,which I believed, as he had mentioned it before. But the only thing Icouldn’t understand is why he hadn’t deleted it when we got together?He said he was sorry, he was in the wrong for not deleting it, but hesaid he had found the link to the site in an email and that he wasbored, so he was looking through it. He couldn’t look me in the eye,and although I felt like there was more to the story, I said no moreabout it.

    It was around this time that M’s grandmother became ill, M wasdevastated and needed someone to talk to about it. He didn’t know aboutthe relationship between me and S, and I offered him a shoulder to leanon. He had always been there for me, and he still considered me hisbest friend. I went home for the weekend to visit my family, and I metup with M for the day. Nothing happened that weekend, but it was reallynice to go home and it brought back memories of me and M. I tried notto think too much about it though, as I was with S now.

    S went home for a few weeks and he started to be more distant with me.He went out a lot with his friends and didn’t really contact me. I hada hunch that something wasn’t right and I couldn’t stop thinking aboutthe dating profile site. Was he looking for something else? Was I notenough? When he got back, I searched his computer. I found a secretfolder along with pictures of him and a random girl – taken just a fewdays before, a night when he had text me goodnight and told me that hewas going to bed. Him and this girl had been doing naked webcam showswith each other. All the evidence was there. I was in shock. I couldn’tbelieve it. I confronted him.

    He didn’t even try to deny it. He said that he loved me and he hadn’twanted to hurt me, and that she meant nothing. This was not the firsttime he had done this with her either, but now his conscience wasclear. I felt like a fool. I had ended it with M, taken a gamble, Mwould never have done this to me in a million years, yet I felt that Ideserved it. After days of arguing and both of us crying, I decided togive the relationship between me and S another go. Provided he neverspoke to her again, deleted her from his life and promised he wouldnever do anything like that again.

    I see S’s family every couple of weeks, and me and S still spend allour time together, yet we argue constantly. I cannot trust him anymore.I have been so paranoid that he is going to hurt me again that it hasreally damaged our relationship. On top of that, I catch him lying tome about the smallest things; he complains that I don’t trust himenough! A relationship without trust…now what is that?

    My confidence has gone downhill. We haven’t done anything nice as acouple for ages, and sometimes all he seems to want to do is to stay inhis room and play on his playstation. I feel as though I have traded aman (M) for a little boy, and all this time, M tells me that he wantsme back.

    With S, although there isn’t much trust and there’s still a lot ofanger on my part, I still want to be with him. We had something so goodbefore and I’d do anything to get it back. I’m S’s first evergirlfriend and he says I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him.I am attracted to him like mad, and when we do have sex – it’s amazing.I strive to impress him and when it is good between us, it is reallygood. But is his heart really in the relationship? Is he going to hurtme again? Can we get the trust back and can things be good between usagain? He says he ‘messed up’ because he’d never been in a relationshipbefore and didn’t think what he did was cheating. But will things everbe the same between us?

    With M, there’s the knowing that I can depend on him, he will give me100%, he will always put me first and he would never hurt me, butthere’s no chemistry and physical attraction on my part. I love him, Istill consider him my best friend and I’d be devastated if he left mylife completely, but a lifetime with somebody that you’re not ‘mad’about and ‘lusting’ about? What kind of a relationship is that? How isthat fair on M? And we would hardly see each other because of thedistance (7 hours). On the other hand, not all relationships are aboutsex and surely my relationship with S is going to flop. I feel asthough I’m waiting for him to ‘mess up’ again.

    I have got myself into such a difficult position. Please could anyone give me any advice on what I should do?

    Yours sincerely,


    best friend, confidence, grandmother, insecure, jealous, text, university

    Reply to this Question

    A female reader, worldlywise United Kingdom + , writes

    Don't pick either of them, neither is the one for you.

    Try being single, you never know you might just enjoy a hassle freelife for a while. Learning about yourself,what you want and who youare.Uni is a whole new era why spoil it with do I don't I scenarios.Lots of new people to meet and new things to do....all leading to a newlife when you graduate.

    Dating For Love

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