When To Move On

Should I move on or can 'The System,' help me pull this thing out of the gutter?" 

This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," advises a reader on when to move on. 

Reader's Question

Hey Doc,
I’m a recent rebound for my high school sweetheart. Dina was married to her now ex-husband for 12 years, and she recently divorced him. We started dating while she was separated. She still loves him and isn’t ready for a committed relationship with me, at least according to her. He still holds her heart even though she knows better than to go back. Dina and I were seeing each other for about eight months when I dumped her because I was getting the impression that she wasn’t being honest with me. Turns out she wasn’t. She missed her husband, but I forgave her for kissing him. I truly didn’t want to end our relationship and asked her to take me back. She did, because she either missed me or was using me. Dina has since dumped me because I grew too needy, jealous and lost my sense of self-worth and value and smothered her, becoming that wimpus americanus you talk about. Since she was considering going back to her husband, I grew even more desperate to make her see that she shouldn’t. She’s having a hard time dealing with life with four kids as a single parent, and the way the children are handling the divorce is making it tougher on her in sticking with her decision to leave him. She feels that she’s hurting her children for not at least trying with their father. 

She says she doesn’t want to hurt me because she’s not ready for a replacement husband and doesn’t want a stepfather for her children just yet. Plus, she doesn’t have the time for a relationship since she has four kids and goes to school. She says that I deserve a better person than her. Unfortunately, I feel differently. I’ve loved Dina since high school. I’ve had other relationships and even a marriage and divorce, but I’ve always missed, loved and wanted this woman. My friends and family tell me that I’m a good man, that I deserve better and that she’s dirt. My question is this: Should I move on or can "The System" help me pull this thing out of the gutter? 

Just today we talked and Dina told me she loved me. I’m a lover and not a fighter, so the whole “alpha male” thing comes unnaturally to me. Dina has low self-esteem because her husband is the “macho” type you talk about in your book. He was very controlling and possessive in her marriage, so now it seems she can’t function without that. She feels the need to explain to him everything so that he doesn’t blow up, and they aren’t even together. And, of course, my jealousy and insecurity has only lowered her Interest Level. 

I’ve no doubt that if I could get Dina to see me again and progress S.L.O.W.L.Y. that I could bring Challenge and raise her Interest Level. I bought “The System” some years ago, and the book had been collecting dust until recently. It has actually brought me some modicum of relief from the pain of rejection. I just wish I had reread the damned thing at the start of dating her instead of moving so fast. The way you present your advice shows respect of women, and I know this woman has some issues, but I’ve no doubt that things can be wonderful given time and patience. Calbert - who can’t live without her

Should Calbert move on? That's next...

If she's not available, why are you wasting your time?

Doc Love's Response

Hi Calbert, 

Why were you dating Dina when she was married? To you psych majors, you don’t date women who are separated -- because they’re still married. You date women who are divorced and have their paperwork completed and in order. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What you’re doing here is muddyin’ the waters, boy.” And if she’s not ready for a committed relationship with you, then why are you with her? Dina wasn’t being deceptive with you, pal. On the contrary, she was being very honest with you. She missed her husband. What’s wrong with that? You forgave her for kissing him? Calbert, he’s her husband! She can kiss her husband -- because it’s her husband. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re not her husband. And Dina’s not lying to you if she told you that she digs her old man. She’s being up-front. You’re trying to make her out to be some kind of liar, when you’re the one who refuses to face reality. On the other side of it, you’re dating a married woman with four kids and a husband and homework, not to mention all kinds of scars and baggage. What sense does that make? 

When Dina told you that she didn’t want a replacement husband, she was telling the truth, but you paid no attention to her. Dina is not dirt. She just happens to be a married woman, that’s all. She was trying to get the truth across to you from the beginning, and you refused to listen to her. 

Can “The System” help you now? Guy, if you’d memorized it, you wouldn’t be in this mess right now. That said, you should move on. 

Being an alpha male doesn’t have anything to do with anything. In my materials I don’t teach you to be an alpha male or Macho Boy. I teach you to go after women who are available. Big difference, and one has nothing to do with the other. If you know that jealousy and insecurity are not the way to increase a woman’s Interest Level, why do you continue to exhibit them? Because you haven’t internalized my material, that’s why. 

Progressing slowly and raising Dina’s interest now is impossible. You’re dreaming, Calbert, if you think anything of the sort will work. Hey, I’m shocked that my book has been collecting dust on your bookshelf! Of course I’m glad that it’s helped you deal with the pain of rejection, but imagine what it could have done for you if you’d committed it to memory when you first bought it. You would never have gotten involved with this woman and saved yourself an enormous amount of pain and anguish. 

Moving fast wasn’t your problem, buddy. This woman was not available. That was the core problem. Time and patience aren’t going to do anything at this point because it’s too late. It’s nice that you’re sympathetic about Dina’s problems, but she doesn’t just have normal issues. Like my cousin General Love says, “She’s flying more red flags than the People’s Republic of China.” Remember, guys: If she’s not available, why are you wasting your time?To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions, or to find out more about The System, visit me at DocLove.com or call 800-404-2644. For the past 30 years, Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man vs. another?” 

Read more: http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_700/784b_when-to-move-on.html#ixzz1gKpJibhk