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by Rori Raye
If you’re ready to turn your relationship around, and completely change the way your man sees you so that he wants to be with you all the time, I have some questions for you…
Are you with a man who seems to be stalling and the relationship is stucksomewhere short of where you want it to be? Have you ever been surprised by a man who suddenly withdraws after treating you like his soul mate for months? Do youfeel jealous of other women who have great relationships? And jealous of everywoman your man even looks at? Are you finding yourself almost “out-of-control,”calling him (or at least wanting to) all the time, texting him, emailing him more than he’s contacting you? Are you wondering if you’re in a dead-end relationship?
If Your Relationship Has Stopped Moving Forward - You CAN Turn It Around
If you’ve answered “Yes” to any of these questions - you are absolutely not alone. I was able to write those questions because I once answered “Yes” to ALL of them. I was where you are now. But then everything changed…
When my marriage first started to go bad, it came out of nowhere. He’d always paid me so much attention and I believed he adored me and we were deeply connected. But then it just went cold.
All of a sudden it seemed that he had no interest in me. Work was more important. Playing musicwas more important. His friends and family were more important. I became desperately unhappy and my anxiety level went through the roof.
Before we were married, without pretending or playing games, I was able to feel strong enough about myself to always keep him interested and moving toward major commitment. But as the wedding got closer, that started to change. I started to see him as a husband instead of a boyfriend. If he wanted a moment to himself, I took it as a rejection. When he’d forget to take out the garbage, or not do things for me that he’d automatically done before, I felt frustrated - and thought it meant he wasn’t taking care of me anymore.
Then I started doing everything wrong. I started making dangerous mistakes, and pushing him so far away I might as well have been shoving him with my fists. My new, wonderful husband was even starting to become mean. I tried everything I could think of, I was nicer, I cooked more, I cleaned more, I took care of our daughter, I tried initiating sex more, but nothing worked.
I noticed that the relationship seemed to get worse, and my husband started to go cold and withdraw after the same kinds of situations. Over time I started to recognize the root of everything going on in my marriage - Our relationship was disconnected.
How To Tell If Your Relationship Is “Disconnected”… And What To Do About It
#1: The “Romance” Is Dead
Remember when he whispered how much he loved you in your ear? When he brought you flowers, remembered your favorite foods, called you to say “Hi” in the middle of the day? Now when you spend time together, you feel that he’s not fully there. That he may “love” you, but isn’t IN LOVE with you anymore.
#2: He’s Less Available And Less Interested
Where he was once passionate, calling you all the time, making plans, affectionate, and attentive… He’s suddenly turned into a cold fish. He calls less. He initiates sex less often. No matter what you do or how sweet you are, he just gets more and more distant.
#3: You Feel Anxious, Miserable And Even Depressed All The Time
Because he’s been so distant, and because you can’t seem to “please” him, you’re constantly worried that you’re driving him further away. What if you say or do the wrong thing and he leaves you? You feel paralyzed by your fear and anger. All of this turns into “vicious cycle” where the worse you feel, the worse he responds, and your relationship spirals downwards.
Avoid Making The Two Big Mistakes That Push Him Further Away
When our relationships become disconnected, nearly all women make these same mistakes. The things we instinctively want to do actually end up making the problem worse.
Mistake #1: Pretending Everything Is OK
It seems so right to be understanding of his needs and his stress about work. It seems like the “cool” thing to do to give him “space” and “time.” If he doesn’t call, it makes sense to try to get in touch because we know how “busy” he is. It just seems that the smartest thing to do is make everything easy and fun for him, so he’ll want to be with us. But instead of bringing him closer, this actually pushes him further away.
This happens for two main reasons: One, being on the receiving end of too much “nurturing” from a woman reminds them of their mothers - and that’s just not sexy or appealing to a man. And two, when a women is being too “understanding” of a man’s bad behavior he often experiences this as us being needy and insecure. Too many women pretend when he’s not loving, appreciating, or respecting them it’s okay. But this doesn’t work for men, or for us.
Mistake #2: We Make Him Feel Bad About Making Us Feel Good
In addition to constantly trying to make him happy, we also want to show HIM how to make US happy. We want him to be affectionate, to tell us we look pretty, to confide in us, open up and connect with us. But the moment we try to direct a man, both of us feel bad. We feel unsatisfied because we had to ask. And our man feels badly because we’re clearly not happy with how he was doing things on his own.
There’s A Way To Reconnect Your Relationship And Bring Your Man Close
…we’ve been taught to, “put a good face on things.” If we do this long enough, we lose the ability to express ourselves authentically.
For most of our lives, we’ve been taught to hold in certain kinds of feelings. And we’ve been taught to, “put a good face on things.” If we do this long enough, we lose the ability to express ourselves authentically. And when we DO express ourselves, it comes out sounding as if we don’t trust or respect our man, and he feels bad, like he’s let us down, and then angry.
By the time my husband was withdrawing so much that I could no longer pretend it wasn’t really happening, I’d been “putting a good face” on things for a long time. I’d been doing the two mistakes over and over and over again. I was trying hard to prove I was the great wife I wanted him to see me as. I spent my life with him trying hard to get him to make me happy. Until I finally tried something I’d never tried before. I STOPPED TRYING.
I stopped asking him to do things - and more importantly - I stopped doing them myself. I focused on making myself happy instead of trying to make HIM happy. I spoke to him differently and experimented with letting him know how I was feeling instead of keeping everything bottled up.And it worked.
Within about two weeks, everything changed. Once I experimented with a new way of doing things my man responded in a new way. All the fights stopped. Sex came back, strong. It was as if there had always been the easy communication and love flowing between us that I was now experiencing.
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