Sexual Experimentation

CAN BEDROOM TOYS RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?BY DR. HERNANDO CHAVES

What You Need To KnowShe won't leave you for sex toys, but she may leave you for your insecurity.Sex toys can become our biggest allies in bed.Use your best judgment to not put you or others at risk while masturbating.Those sex toys - the ones that on the surface make some men feel jealous, angry or inferior - can become our biggest allies in bed.Will Sex Toys Lead Her Astray?Dear Doctor Chaves, My girlfriend has been getting more and more into sex. When I first met her, she was kind of shy, not too sexual. I didn’t have a problem with it. The longer we’ve been together, the more she has gotten hornier and wants to be more experimental. Now she wants to get sex toys and use them. She’s changing so fast, and I don’t know if I like it. Will her using sex toys make her think I’m not as good of a lover or lead her to cheating or ending things?-Carlos I’ve never come across any information or research that suggests women have left men because of their sex toys. Usually women leave men for reasons other than not being battery-operated. It sounds to me like your girlfriend is expanding her sexual horizons and that is threatening to you. She’s becoming more comfortable with herself, her body and sexual experimentation. For most guys, including this one, that’s a good thing. You’re going to need to challenge your discomfort and unease with her newfound sexual confidence and jump on the bandwagon of supportive sexual comfort. I detect a certain amount of inferiority that the sex toy issue is triggering for you, but becoming more confident in yourself, your sexual expression and your partners' sexual expression is going to be essential to growing as a couple. Her sex toy is not going to lead her to cheating or ending things, but your insecurities may. Here’s a tip that most men don’t know: Those sex toys -- the ones that on the surface make some men feel jealous, angry or inferior -- can become our biggest allies in bed. Don’t waste your time worrying if you compare or stack up to a toy. You don’t get angry at your car for being able to get you to work faster than your legs. Why get mad at a sex toy? It’s just doing its job and trying to help you and your partner out. Once you rationalize the distorted logic behind your anger toward a battery-operated device that can’t cuddle, support, love, or communicate, you may begin to see some pleasant and pleasurable changes. If you use a sex toy with your partner during sex, for example, placing a vibrator on the clitoris of your partner during intercourse, she’ll probably like it. She may enjoy the time you both spend sexually. She might orgasm more often or more powerfully. She may think you’re a magician and that vibrator is your magic wand. And when she’s having a girls night out and the ladies are talking about their sex lives, she’ll be saying how amazing her sex life is and what a great lover her man is. Yup, the vibrator puts in effort and you get the credit because it becomes an extension of your lovemaking ability. To me, a great lover is one who helps facilitate pleasure for their partner, not inhibit it. Masturbation ExhibitionismI have this thing where I like to masturbate in random places and I keep track of where I’ve done it. It’s kind of a game or just something I do. Is this normal?-Mike, BaltimorePeople masturbate in random places and at random times, so it’s perfectly normal. Most people don’t talk about where or when they’ve masturbated, but it’s often different for different people. I’ve heard places including in the car while driving, at school, in the library, at world landmarks, and at family members' homes. There’s probably someone masturbating while reading this Q&A right now (you might want to wipe the keyboard afterward). I wouldn’t characterize your game as not normal, just unique. I do want to bring up that if you're playing this game, you want to respect the rights of others and not expose yourself to people who have no desire to be a part of it. Use your best judgment so that you don't put yourself or others at risk (masturbating in public, non-legal, exhibitionistic, or coercive expressions, etc). I remember being at a house party in college and some drunken guy shared how he would ejaculate on his friends' pillows as a joke. Random place, random time, but not cool to soak a pillow with jizz. I assume he had few friends left, and I didn’t make friends with him. The point is, keep it respectful, legal and clean. Since it’s not in my nature to crush someone’s sexual expression, how about a modification? Why not random places, random times in toilets? There’s a toilet almost everywhere you go. You’re private, no one to disrespect and it's not illegal -- just you, the porcelain god and a little self-lovin'.We have to ask ourselves: Are the risks worth the rewards?"Premature EjaculationDear Dr. Chaves,My doctor recently prescribed me Zoloft for my premature ejaculation issue. I’m on the fence about this and wanted to ask your opinion. Seems like the internet has a lot of professionals supporting both sides. What do you think? -Craig, San Francisco, CAJust in case you’re some secret undercover narc medical board investigator, let me be clear. I’m not a medical doctor. I‘m in no way offering medical advice on prescription medications, its uses or dosages. I am a doctor of human sexuality, a sex therapist and probably better suited to give you a tour of a dungeon. However, early ejaculation is right up my alley, and I can surely offer an opinion on it. First of all, check out our article on what to do if you finish too quickly. Next, I believe in exhausting other non-medication treatment options available before turning to pharmaceuticals. Here’s my reasoning. There is research by Dr. Stuart Shipko and others that address possible long-term, irreversible sexual and non-sexual side effects of SSRI use (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors). We can’t be sure of how pills can affect us as we all respond in unique ways. Could it be our libido? Erection? Something else? I don’t want to be part of the “it happens to some people” group when it’s not a medically necessary medication (blood pressure meds, heart meds, life saving meds, etc.). I took a hair loss medication for a decade called Propecia and today I’m reading about potential side effects impacting prostate health. I choose my prostate over my Wayne Newton hairdo any day! We have to ask ourselves: Are the risks worth the rewards?Going back to your question, will Zoloft work? It might as one of the side effects in delaying ejaculation, but at what potential costs? The choice is up to you, but I would encourage you to work on your early ejaculation concerns with non-medication treatments and see if you can make a difference the non-pharmaceutical way. Check out our article on improving early ejaculation and see if you can improve your situation the old -fashioned way, with effort and training. Also, two books that can make a difference is Coping with Premature Ejaculation by Michael Metz and The Good Guide to Overcoming Premature Ejaculation by Ian Kerner. Both books offer different perspectives and philosophies on early ejaculation, which is important because we all respond differently to different interventions and approaches.
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