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Having a work spouse can boost your on-the-job enjoyment and success—as long as you keep the friendship in check
BY KRISTEN DOLD
Ask Mary Jane, 34, or Jake, 28, about their relationship, and you'll know it's something special. On cool San Francisco mornings they might ride tandem on his scooter to the ad agency where they both work. They share a language of catchphrases, jockeyed for adjacent offices, and take turns bringing each other coffee in the afternoon. They have been together for six years, but MJ (as she is affectionately known) has a boyfriend, while Jake is single. You see, the two aren't romantically linked—they're just office spouses.
Friends with (Employee) Benefits
It's a common kind of bond these days: A survey released by Captivate Network, a market research firm, found that 65 percent of workers have or previously had a work spouse. "It's your number one ally and advisor at work—the person you can laugh with or be stressed out with, have politically incorrect conversations with, and give honest opinions to," says Linda Young, Ph.D., a Houston-based psychologist and relationship therapist who consults with companies on workplace dynamics. And despite the long hours that work spouses spend in close quarters, studies show that most of the time nothing salacious is going on. (Only 8 percent of workers admit to "crossing the line" with their work honey, reports the Captivate Network survey.)
What's more, these pairings i can be an asset to your bottom line, says Young. "A noncompetitive ally at work makes you more likely to look forward to going to your job, which can increase your productivity," she says. Relying on someone you're close to can also give you a different perspective, helping you troubleshoot those trickier tasks. "When things get tense and emotional during a shoot, I appreciate Jake's level head and calming nature, which balances me out," says MJ. "And when he's gotten himself into a sticky spot, I can help him form a plan to get out of it or convince him to ask others for help so he doesn't embarrass himself in front of our boss."
Going There
What makes these alliances particularly intimate, though, is that the chitchat goes beyond next week's brainstorming meeting or the eternally busted coffee machine. "Most of these couples find themselves blurring the boundaries between work life and personal life," says Chad McBride, Ph.D., a psychologist at Creighton University who studies relationships between work spouses. A quarter of the couples stay in touch on weeknights and weekends, 63 percent discuss health issues, and 35 percent talk about their sex lives, according to the Captivate Network research. The willingness to be vulnerable brings a spouselike feeling to the relationship.
"I find myself telling Jake things I don't even tell my closest girlfriends. We talk about any anxieties I might have about my boyfriend, and he asks me for girl advice," says MJ. That kind of intimacy isn't a problem, says McBride, as long as the couple figures out what works for them. "If you can be strictly platonic and still get into those private, personal topics, then there's no harm," he says.
Others aren't quite as optimistic that supertight work spouses can avoid sliding down a slippery slope. Research shows that 13 percent of people admit they had an interaction with their office spouse that they later regretted. Talking about deep subjects, like your secret fears, might make it that much easier to cross the line, says Jacqueline Olds, M.D., an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
Add a spark of chemistry to all that physical and emotional closeness, and you may have trouble. "The truth is that many people don't consider how hard it will be for them to handle temptation over time without acting on it," she says. Plus, when you're working side by side for long periods of time, without the stressors of a real partnership (e.g., finances or family), things can become romanticized quickly, warns Young. "People can delude themselves into thinking the relationship is better than the one they have at home," she says. "Others might start to blur the boundaries, and then hide behind the label work spouse to make the circumstance seem safe when it's not."
A Civil Union
In an ideal world, you're not the least bit attracted to your work spouse, says Olds. (MJ admits that while she's never felt a romantic connection with Jake, he is objectively very handsome.) If you do find yourself tied up with a Jim Halpert rather than a Dwight Schrute, it's important to watch for red flags that suggest you're more into the relationship than you should be. (For example: You realize you're keeping the situation, or details about it, a secret from your significant other, or you get a little too excited when he texts you outside of office hours.)
And while Young says you should absolutely introduce your work spouse to your real partner if they're at the same party or function, there's no need to force a friendship if it doesn't arise naturally. "A lot of people have a work spouse who's nothing like the person they connect with at home, and that can be a large part of the appeal," she says.
But maybe not for everyone. If your real guy can't get past the idea of your business boyfriend and he points out behaviors that border on inappropriate, it may be time to give your office mate the pink slip, or at least dial it down a bit. (Research shows that 20 percent of people cop to being jealous of their mate's work counterpart.) When talking to your work spouse about this, just be honest and direct: "Tell him your partner feels threatened for this or that reason, and be specific so he knows you're not just giving him the brush-off," says Young. When you say you realize your guy may have a point, you'll keep the onus off him and present yourselves as a united front. Then ease up, or even cut ties for a while—aside from the times when you actually need to, well, work together.
Read more at Women's Health:
RELATED: Are You Work Friends, Work Dating, or Work Married?
BY KRISTEN DOLD
Ask Mary Jane, 34, or Jake, 28, about their relationship, and you'll know it's something special. On cool San Francisco mornings they might ride tandem on his scooter to the ad agency where they both work. They share a language of catchphrases, jockeyed for adjacent offices, and take turns bringing each other coffee in the afternoon. They have been together for six years, but MJ (as she is affectionately known) has a boyfriend, while Jake is single. You see, the two aren't romantically linked—they're just office spouses.
Friends with (Employee) Benefits
It's a common kind of bond these days: A survey released by Captivate Network, a market research firm, found that 65 percent of workers have or previously had a work spouse. "It's your number one ally and advisor at work—the person you can laugh with or be stressed out with, have politically incorrect conversations with, and give honest opinions to," says Linda Young, Ph.D., a Houston-based psychologist and relationship therapist who consults with companies on workplace dynamics. And despite the long hours that work spouses spend in close quarters, studies show that most of the time nothing salacious is going on. (Only 8 percent of workers admit to "crossing the line" with their work honey, reports the Captivate Network survey.)
What's more, these pairings i can be an asset to your bottom line, says Young. "A noncompetitive ally at work makes you more likely to look forward to going to your job, which can increase your productivity," she says. Relying on someone you're close to can also give you a different perspective, helping you troubleshoot those trickier tasks. "When things get tense and emotional during a shoot, I appreciate Jake's level head and calming nature, which balances me out," says MJ. "And when he's gotten himself into a sticky spot, I can help him form a plan to get out of it or convince him to ask others for help so he doesn't embarrass himself in front of our boss."
Going There
What makes these alliances particularly intimate, though, is that the chitchat goes beyond next week's brainstorming meeting or the eternally busted coffee machine. "Most of these couples find themselves blurring the boundaries between work life and personal life," says Chad McBride, Ph.D., a psychologist at Creighton University who studies relationships between work spouses. A quarter of the couples stay in touch on weeknights and weekends, 63 percent discuss health issues, and 35 percent talk about their sex lives, according to the Captivate Network research. The willingness to be vulnerable brings a spouselike feeling to the relationship.
"I find myself telling Jake things I don't even tell my closest girlfriends. We talk about any anxieties I might have about my boyfriend, and he asks me for girl advice," says MJ. That kind of intimacy isn't a problem, says McBride, as long as the couple figures out what works for them. "If you can be strictly platonic and still get into those private, personal topics, then there's no harm," he says.
Others aren't quite as optimistic that supertight work spouses can avoid sliding down a slippery slope. Research shows that 13 percent of people admit they had an interaction with their office spouse that they later regretted. Talking about deep subjects, like your secret fears, might make it that much easier to cross the line, says Jacqueline Olds, M.D., an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
Add a spark of chemistry to all that physical and emotional closeness, and you may have trouble. "The truth is that many people don't consider how hard it will be for them to handle temptation over time without acting on it," she says. Plus, when you're working side by side for long periods of time, without the stressors of a real partnership (e.g., finances or family), things can become romanticized quickly, warns Young. "People can delude themselves into thinking the relationship is better than the one they have at home," she says. "Others might start to blur the boundaries, and then hide behind the label work spouse to make the circumstance seem safe when it's not."
A Civil Union
In an ideal world, you're not the least bit attracted to your work spouse, says Olds. (MJ admits that while she's never felt a romantic connection with Jake, he is objectively very handsome.) If you do find yourself tied up with a Jim Halpert rather than a Dwight Schrute, it's important to watch for red flags that suggest you're more into the relationship than you should be. (For example: You realize you're keeping the situation, or details about it, a secret from your significant other, or you get a little too excited when he texts you outside of office hours.)
And while Young says you should absolutely introduce your work spouse to your real partner if they're at the same party or function, there's no need to force a friendship if it doesn't arise naturally. "A lot of people have a work spouse who's nothing like the person they connect with at home, and that can be a large part of the appeal," she says.
But maybe not for everyone. If your real guy can't get past the idea of your business boyfriend and he points out behaviors that border on inappropriate, it may be time to give your office mate the pink slip, or at least dial it down a bit. (Research shows that 20 percent of people cop to being jealous of their mate's work counterpart.) When talking to your work spouse about this, just be honest and direct: "Tell him your partner feels threatened for this or that reason, and be specific so he knows you're not just giving him the brush-off," says Young. When you say you realize your guy may have a point, you'll keep the onus off him and present yourselves as a united front. Then ease up, or even cut ties for a while—aside from the times when you actually need to, well, work together.
Read more at Women's Health:
RELATED: Are You Work Friends, Work Dating, or Work Married?
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