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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today a woman is uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s level of sexual experience and asks for advice from a man and a woman.
Dear Sexes: My boyfriend and I have been expressing an interest in more sexual variety (anal sex, toys, etc.). Since I don’t have a wealth of experience, I’ve been looking forward to trying out new things with him together. That is, until he recently revealed that he has actually already done most of what we discussed with other partners — and now I unexpectedly feel uncomfortable with our different levels of experience and us not going through the "newness" together. What can I do about this?
She Said: I guess my biggest concern is whether he was hiding his past or if you two just hadn’t discussed it . . . If he was hiding it, that is a problem that you guys have to get to the root of. Make sure you know why he was dishonest and be sure he’s living true to his word in other areas of your relationship.
But if he was honest and just hadn’t told you all the details, it’s less a problem with him, and more a problem you’ve got to deal with inside yourself. I can totally understand why this new knowledge (regardless of how it came out) is throwing you off. There’s a certain sweetness in trying new things together, like walking side-by-side into a new land. I get that . . .
But the truth is, it’s all new for both of you because you’re going into it together. Keep your eye on what the purpose of sex with your boyfriend is. Is it gaining closeness, giving one another pleasure, and learning about each other? If so, then it doesn’t matter what he’s done with whom. If you’re just going for “newness” then just dive a little deeper. Ben-wa balls, vibrators (on him too!), role play, light BDSM, exhibitionism, watching porn together . . . There are amazing new avenues for you both!
He Said: There’s gotta be SOMETHING he hasn’t done! Browse together at a sex-toy shop. I’m sure you’ll find something that neither of you has tried, and interests both of you. Then you can experiment and adventure together. The world of sex and sex toys is essentially limitless — you are really only bound by your imaginations or inhibitions. If your boyfriend really has done EVERYTHING, maybe you should ask him if he has any porn credits in his filmography. Or maybe it’s best if you don’t ask him.
Seriously though, don’t be discouraged. And try not to let your boyfriend’s past experiences ruin your fun now. You’re teammates (or sex-mates) so you’re on the same team, you’re not competing against each other. Remember, it’s pretty rare and unlikely that any two people would have the exact same sexual past (unless both people were only ever with their partner). While it sounds like there’s plenty for your boyfriend to teach you in the bedroom, I’m sure there’s things you can teach him too. Everyone has a different angle on sex, romance, and intimacy. And keep looking online, in stores, (or even in the fridge) — I’m sure you’ll find something you both want to try for the first time. Happy exploring!
Dear Sexes: My boyfriend and I have been expressing an interest in more sexual variety (anal sex, toys, etc.). Since I don’t have a wealth of experience, I’ve been looking forward to trying out new things with him together. That is, until he recently revealed that he has actually already done most of what we discussed with other partners — and now I unexpectedly feel uncomfortable with our different levels of experience and us not going through the "newness" together. What can I do about this?
She Said: I guess my biggest concern is whether he was hiding his past or if you two just hadn’t discussed it . . . If he was hiding it, that is a problem that you guys have to get to the root of. Make sure you know why he was dishonest and be sure he’s living true to his word in other areas of your relationship.
But if he was honest and just hadn’t told you all the details, it’s less a problem with him, and more a problem you’ve got to deal with inside yourself. I can totally understand why this new knowledge (regardless of how it came out) is throwing you off. There’s a certain sweetness in trying new things together, like walking side-by-side into a new land. I get that . . .
But the truth is, it’s all new for both of you because you’re going into it together. Keep your eye on what the purpose of sex with your boyfriend is. Is it gaining closeness, giving one another pleasure, and learning about each other? If so, then it doesn’t matter what he’s done with whom. If you’re just going for “newness” then just dive a little deeper. Ben-wa balls, vibrators (on him too!), role play, light BDSM, exhibitionism, watching porn together . . . There are amazing new avenues for you both!
He Said: There’s gotta be SOMETHING he hasn’t done! Browse together at a sex-toy shop. I’m sure you’ll find something that neither of you has tried, and interests both of you. Then you can experiment and adventure together. The world of sex and sex toys is essentially limitless — you are really only bound by your imaginations or inhibitions. If your boyfriend really has done EVERYTHING, maybe you should ask him if he has any porn credits in his filmography. Or maybe it’s best if you don’t ask him.
Seriously though, don’t be discouraged. And try not to let your boyfriend’s past experiences ruin your fun now. You’re teammates (or sex-mates) so you’re on the same team, you’re not competing against each other. Remember, it’s pretty rare and unlikely that any two people would have the exact same sexual past (unless both people were only ever with their partner). While it sounds like there’s plenty for your boyfriend to teach you in the bedroom, I’m sure there’s things you can teach him too. Everyone has a different angle on sex, romance, and intimacy. And keep looking online, in stores, (or even in the fridge) — I’m sure you’ll find something you both want to try for the first time. Happy exploring!
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