"I Love You," The Ace In The Pocket

By Curt Smith

Dear Curt,

My wife has always encouraged me to express my feelings freely. I guess her main goal was to hear me say, "I love you" more often. At first, I felt a little reserved, but I soon realized that there was nothing wrong with expressing my feelings.

I still remember the first time I told my wife that I love her. She had tears running down her cheeks, and seeing her joy made me feel happy in turn, and encouraged me to open up even more.

From that moment on, it was clear that I should make my wife happy every day. I decided to tell her that I loved her as often as possible. Every time I saw her, left her presence, ended a telephone conversation, or made love to her, I would slip in the usual, "I love you."

Lately, however, I've noticed that my wife no longer appreciates the three magic words. In fact, it seems that she gets anxious or annoyed every time I say, "I love you" -- especially if it follows a screw-up like leaving the toilet seat up.

What's wrong here? I don't think I will ever understand women.

- Daniel, the lovebird 

the evil words

Ngo oi nei (Cantonese)

Je t'aime (French)

Eu te amo (Portuguese)

Ti amo (Italian)

Kimi o ai shiteru (Japanese)

Ana behebbik (Arabic)

Te amo (Spanish)

Ik hou van jou (Dutch)

Saya cintakan kamu (Malaysian)

Ani ohev otach (Hebrew)

Mein tumse pyar karta hoon (Hindi)

I love you (English)

You get the point. These are the evil words that have brought generations of clueless men worldwide to their demise. Too many gentlemen have used these potentially magical words far too many times, without considering their implications.
I like to refer to these men as Love Preachers ; everywhere they go and everything they do involves preaching or singing about how much they love their wife or girlfriend. You know the type: "I love you honey," "I love you more than the whole world," "I love you so much," "I'm so in love with you that I can't live without you," and "I love you more."

The clueless modern man

Have you ever wondered why it is so instinctively difficult to say "I love you"? There's a reason for this hesitation, and it's called your male instinct .
You see, our male ancestor (we'll call him "Grok") realized that admitting his feelings to a woman (we'll call her "Jane") was a sign of weakness and dependency. So he chose to show his love for Jane through actions rather than words.
Instead of saying "I love you," he would tell her, "Me Grok like Jane's walk. Grok give Jane rare rock." And that was that. No questions were asked, no tears were shed, and no one's face turned red.
Unfortunately, Grok made two critical mistakes. First, he started a tradition that evolved from giving a woman a simple rock found on the ground to today's very expensive, three-month's salary diamond ring.
The second mistake (due to his lack of communication skills) was that he forgot to explain the purpose of that rare rock to his kids; it was supposed to be a substitute for saying, "I love you" to his wife. So now we're stuck with giving an expensive rock and expressing our feelings.
So is it our fault that women value rare items?

The female's values

We, as a society, value rare commodities ranging from gold to diamonds. If something is scarce or really hard to come by, we naturally appreciate it more. Women value rare items above all; why do you think that first rock evolved into a sparkling diamond?
It all started when Jane moved into Grok's cave after he offered her the rock. Brock, the next-cave neighbor also wanted Jane to move into his cave, so he offered her a bigger rock. In order to keep Jane, Grok went hunting for a shinier rock.
 This went on for quite a while until Grok finally found the rarest, shiniest rock -- the diamond -- and since this proved to Jane how much Grok loved her, she finally settled down with Grok.

The ace in the pocket

The same applies to saying "I love you." There aren't many men who realize or appreciate the power of saying "I love you." These three magic words can save your relationship when it hits rock bottom, or can even get you out of trouble when she finds out about Janette (Jane's descendent and also your mistress).
The secret to keeping I love you powerful and meaningful, is to keep it scarce by rarely using it. If you're able to exercise control and refrain from abusing the use of I love you , it will be like having an ace in your pocket for when you really need the winning upper hand.
An example may help clarify this point. After two years of constantly telling his wife how much he loves her, a Love Preacher forgets to buy his wife an anniversary gift.
With great guilt, he admits his mistake and preaches his undying love for her. She'll hear the words, but they won't fill her with delight. She already knows her husband loves her, and she won't do cartwheels after hearing how much he loves her for the ten thousandth time.
The husband is now doomed to feel his wife's wrath as she makes him regret his forgetfulness. For the rest of his life, he will have to make it up to her, as she will constantly remind him of his lack of appreciation: bring out the checkbook buddy, this one's going to cost you.
On the other hand, had our friend the Love Preacher kept his mouth shut about how much he loved his wife for the past two years, he could have surprised her with his Ace: the three words that she yearned to hear from his mouth -- "I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary, but don't let that make you doubt how much I love you."
I can guarantee that she'll completely forget about his mistake and say, "Oh George, you said 'I love you.' I never heard you say that before!"

A Lesson Learned

I have learned that "I love you" really means "I choose to act lovingly towards you." In that sense, showing her that you love her through actions is enough. You don't have to say "I love you" just to prove it; your woman should be able to see your feelings through your actions.


Yet women still want to hear you say "I love you" because by saying those three magic words, you're acknowledging an attachment to her and dependent need for her. You'll also be losing valuable points in the Challenge game. You see, not saying "I love you" only adds to the challenge and makes you more desirable to women.

You have to be strong and resist saying those three little words. Don't worry about scaring her away; you'll be fine, as long as you show your love through your actions. But save the "I love you" for a rainy day.

So what did you learn? I hope that you won't use this article as an excuse not to say "I love you." As an AskMen.com reader stated: "I feel that most guys will take your article as an excuse not to take care of a woman's most basic emotional need, to know how her man feels about her and to hear it. So I say this: it's okay to say it when you really mean it, but not as a precursor to every word out of your mouth. As with everything, you must find a balance."
 Get it on! 


"I Love You," The Ace In The Pocket