Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

By Shari Schreiber, M.A.

 You're hurting. You've never felt this excruciating pain before, and you need it to stop. Perhaps she's left you for another--or just abruptly left, and this terrible lack of closure has you confounded. You're constantly replaying each moment of this relationship in your mind, to comprehend why she's suddenly gone--and you keep blaming yourself. It's hard to make sense of these awful feelings, because there could have been times you thought of leaving--but you've patiently hung on, hoping it would get better. Your emotional roller-coaster ride has finally ended, but all you can think about is having her back.

 When you're involved with a borderline disordered female, you feel ebullient when things are “good” between you, and miserable when they're not. You might think of her like a drug you can’t live without, because you've felt alive and buoyant when she was attentive, available and loving, and tortured and empty when she was indifferent, detached or cruel. During frequent breakups or periods of distancing, you may have desperately longed for her return, and resorted to elaborate means to re-engage her.

 In the wake of this involvement, you're probably obsessing about what she's feeling or doing, who she's screwing--and wondering if she's thinking at allabout you. Your emotionally treacherous dance with a borderline girlfriend or wife may be over--but if your feelings of regret, shame and emptiness are so unbearable, that you want her back at any cost, this was written for You.

A man I've known for years once said, "I don't care if somebody manipulates me, as long as I'm having a good time." His statement was really funny to me back then--but it perfectly encapsulates a man's initial experience with a Borderline. Decades later, this guy craves but avoids romantic involvement, because all the women he's ever attached to, have been Borderlines!

"No good deed goes unpunished," was his favorite lament--and I guess this was the story of his life, given these unwavering romantic selections. Sadly, his only frame of reference consistently yielded painful outcomes associated with loving. Current wisdom has informed him, this prize is no longer worth the price he'd pay for another go at it. Alas, even aging has its rewards.

Certain aspects or common denominators are present in males who attach to Borderlines. Generally, these are People Pleaser types, who have rescuing or fixing compulsions, self-esteem difficulties from childhood, intimacy issues, engulfment concerns, poor self-image, dysthymia (chronic/long-standing mild to moderate depression), etc. Foundational problems of this kind leave men vulnerable to being seduced and manipulated by these women. You may be extremely accomplished and successful--but the Borderline will methodically learn what's underneath those props, and use your most intimate secrets and self-doubts against you. These involvements derail your trust in women, but also in yourself--which is unfortunately, the worst part of this deal.

Every man's ego takes a jab when a woman leaves--but a Borderline leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed, castrated, unlovable, emasculated, worthless, etc. You start believing that if she returns, you'll be able to get rid of these horrible sensations, and feel okay again. Once in awhile, your rational mind recalls the torment of that affair, and you're not certain you want that part of it again--but anything must be better than what you're feeling now!   

AT ANY COST: