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HOW TO DEAL WITH A CHEATING SPOUSE
By Doc Love
A little over a month ago, I discovered that my wife, Cherry, was texting a former co-worker on a regular basis. When I confronted her, she protested that they were just friends and she was bored and he was someone to talk to. She said that if it bothered me that much, she would delete his number and no longer talk to him. For two weeks Cherry lied, told me that I was crazy and that she and this guy were just friends. One night when I was at work, I discovered that she had backed up her iPhone on my laptop. By luck -- if you want to call it that -- I was able to recover three texts from this other guy that were suspicious. Bluffing her with these texts, I was finally able to get her to admit that she had had an affair with the guy.
Let me back up a bit. Cherry and I have been together since 2006. I have cheated on my wife, and she knows about it. We have two young children, but I have not cheated since we became pregnant with our first child. Now back to the present. When she admitted to cheating, I did the two things you should never do: I got drunk and asked for details. She said that it happened only one time with this other guy, and that it was a horrible experience both physically and emotionally. She said that she tried to block it out of her mind and that she only continued to talk to him because she does not have a lot of female friends and that he initiated the conversations. She said that the affair came up in conversation with him recently when he asked if they could ever do it again. She told me that she told him that she loved her husband too much to make the mistake again. I asked her if she had any feelings for him, and she said none whatsoever.
Doc, I am by no means perfect, and our relationship has been rocky at times. Cherry has gone through some very difficult times within the last few years. She also admitted to me the other night that she has always felt that I had married down and that she was always insecure about what other people thought we were doing together. I have never felt this way and have always considered myself lucky to be with her.
Anyway, we have begun the healing process, and I have forgiven Cherry. She has apologized again and again and has had no contact with the other guy. Our relationship is like it was when we first fell in love. So here are my questions. I love Cherry and believe that she loves me. Should I just let go of wanting to know everything that really happened between her and this other guy and move on? Is it possible she has told me the entire truth or did she have feelings for him? If she wanted to be with him, wouldn't she have just left me? Any coaching would be appreciated because I am driving myself crazy!
Hi Jed,
When Cherry tells you that she’s bored and needs something else in her life, what she’s really saying is that she’s bored with you. If she needs someone to talk to, she should be talking to you -- assuming, of course, that she’s telling you the truth about what’s going on. And since she was cheating on you and denied it only to admit later that it was true, you don’t know what to believe, do you?
It’s very sad that Cherry admitted that she had an affair. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s the worst possible thing a woman can do to her husband and the father of her children.” But then what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Since you cheated on her, Cherry might have cheated on you just to you to play catch up with you. She’s thinking, why not even the score? Like the great Doctor Freud once wrote, “Never underestimate the power of a woman’s resentment.”
The only thing you’ve gotten right so far is that a man should never get drunk and ask for details. And if you believe for even a second that it happened only once between your wife and this other guy and it was horrible, I’ve got some swampland in Georgia that I’d like to sell you.
Now let me get this straight, dude. If Cherry doesn’t have many female friends and has to talk to someone, why is she talking to a male? What sense does that make? You mean to tell me that she doesn’t have a single woman friend to confide in? I hope you busted her on that one.
You should have been talking about stuff like marrying below your station before you got hitched to Cherry. And you should have told her that you felt lucky to be with her. Forgiving Cherry is not the problem. The real issue is this: Has she forgiven you? And you have to remember that the relationship is like it was when you first fell in love only in your mind, not necessarily in hers.
Jed, I certainly hope that Cherry loves you like you believe she does, otherwise you’re in even bigger trouble than you are in already. Yes, you should let go of wanting to know all of the gory details of how she cheated on you and betrayed you and committed adultery. You have to, because of the kids. The chance that your wife told you the entire and complete truth about what happened with this guy is about 50%. The other 50% is that she had feelings for him. Wouldn’t she have left you if she wanted to? She has two kids and a house, so come on, guy. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Just because she wants to play in the hay doesn’t mean she wants to leave the barn.”
Remember, guys: When a woman commits adultery, it’s always her fault.
It’s very sad that Cherry admitted that she had an affair. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s the worst possible thing a woman can do to her husband and the father of her children.” But then what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Since you cheated on her, Cherry might have cheated on you just to you to play catch up with you. She’s thinking, why not even the score? Like the great Doctor Freud once wrote, “Never underestimate the power of a woman’s resentment.”
The only thing you’ve gotten right so far is that a man should never get drunk and ask for details. And if you believe for even a second that it happened only once between your wife and this other guy and it was horrible, I’ve got some swampland in Georgia that I’d like to sell you.
Now let me get this straight, dude. If Cherry doesn’t have many female friends and has to talk to someone, why is she talking to a male? What sense does that make? You mean to tell me that she doesn’t have a single woman friend to confide in? I hope you busted her on that one.
You should have been talking about stuff like marrying below your station before you got hitched to Cherry. And you should have told her that you felt lucky to be with her. Forgiving Cherry is not the problem. The real issue is this: Has she forgiven you? And you have to remember that the relationship is like it was when you first fell in love only in your mind, not necessarily in hers.
Jed, I certainly hope that Cherry loves you like you believe she does, otherwise you’re in even bigger trouble than you are in already. Yes, you should let go of wanting to know all of the gory details of how she cheated on you and betrayed you and committed adultery. You have to, because of the kids. The chance that your wife told you the entire and complete truth about what happened with this guy is about 50%. The other 50% is that she had feelings for him. Wouldn’t she have left you if she wanted to? She has two kids and a house, so come on, guy. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Just because she wants to play in the hay doesn’t mean she wants to leave the barn.”
Remember, guys: When a woman commits adultery, it’s always her fault.
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