Monday, December 12, 2011


  • Can She Change?
  • What You Need To Know
  • Your friends' opinions count -- especially when all of them agree.
  • A woman's track record can serve as a red flag.
  • If you put up with her crazy behavior, you're an enabler.
"I know she has done wrong, but people can change, can't they?

This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," answers the question: Can she change? 

reader’s question

Hey Doc, 
I might be dealing with a sociopath. Well, all of my friends seem to think so. 

When I met Lana six years ago and when we started dating, I was 24. She was 37 and had two kids, and though I didn’t know it, was married (I found out later she had been married three other times). She was constantly contacting her last husband behind my back until her divorce. We got a house together and she started seeing another guy without telling me. I moved out, he moved in, then he left her, and she came back to me. I think he had her on drugs and finally got out when he saw her true colors. Last summer she started seeing yet another guy, but they broke up. I’ve only seen her sporadically over the past few months, but now she’s texting me and saying she wants me backand that she has changed.

We never married, but I’m still hooked on her. Doc, please help me understand her sociopath behavior and tell me if you think Lana could possibly change. What drives me crazy is that she can seem normal to the world but behind closed doors she is a completely different person. I can see the reality of my plight with her, but she is always able to say the exact right thing to lure me back in.
Doc, am I just someone she is using until she finds what she is looking for? What baffles me is that when we met I didn’t have money, but she stayed with me for six years. My friend said it was because I put up with her erratic behavior and was an enabler. In your opinion, is Lana a lost cause? Her childhood was difficult and she moved from home to home and so forth, so that is one explanation for her actions. I know she has done wrong, but people can change, can’t they? 
Barnes - who has been destroyed 

Doc Love's Response

Hi Barnes,
Let me ask you a question right up front. All of your friends -- not a love doctor, like myself -- are telling you that you’re with a nutcase. If it was just one or two buddies, you might take their opinions with a grain of salt. But can all of your friends possibly be wrong about this woman? What are you doing here, Barnes? Why aren’t you listening to them? 
But you went ahead and fell in love with a woman who is 13 years older than you. You mean to tell me you couldn’t find anyone else on the planet to go out with? Gosh, pal, you must live in a really small town! 

Then you discover that Lana’s been married four times and you still insist on chasing her around. Don’t you think that a woman’s track record is an indicator -- a big red flag -- when it comes to how she’s going to treat 
you? Isn’t the way she got along in her past relationships a sign that you’re in for the same lousy treatment? 
If nothing else, the fact that Lana was always contacting her last husband behind your back shows that she has loads of Integrity and character. But then she started seeing another guy. Oh, now I get it! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This chick don’t know what the word 'no' means when a guy comes on to her.”

Can she change? That's next...

If you were a betting man, what odds would you give that she's really changed?

Lana didn’t really come back to you when this other guy dumped her. You took her back after she worked your ego. And by the way, you don’t know why this other guy left Lana. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Maybe he just hung around for the party.” 

Then Lana started with yet another dude and they broke up. Man, this girl doesn’t last too long with guys, does she? Barnes, why would you possibly think she’s going to last with you? And one more thing that you should remember: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This alley cat doesn’t have an ounce of loyalty in her blood.”

But despite all of the suffering that Lana has inflicted on you, you want to believe her when she insists that she loves you and has changed. Now, let me ask you this, Barnes: If you were a betting man, what odds would you give that she’s really changed?

Guy, the reason you never married this woman is because she had 
three husbands. You were fourth in line -- not counting the other guys she had dangling on the side. 

The only thing that makes sense in your letter is when you say you’re still hooked on Lana. Your Interest Level is in the 90s, and you rationalize everything she does to you because you’re whipped.
Can she change? Not this girl, and not in this lifetime. She’s sweet to the world and nuts with you, and she’ll always be a Jekyll and Hyde. The only reason she can keep luring you back is because your Interest Level is in the stratosphere, like I said earlier. If your Interest Level were 45%, whatever she pulled on you wouldn’t work. Look at it this way: What she pulls doesn’t work when it comes to your friends, who have been giving you solid advice, which friends usually don’t. 

Lana isn’t using you until she finds what she’s looking for, because she doesn’t 
know what she’s looking for. What she’s after is the next guy, that’s all. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This woman has no sense of discrimination whatsoever.” 

Lana stayed with you for six years, then it was over. Now you’re going back and forth with her, but you can’t go back, which you would know if you’d read my book. Your friend is right on -- you put up with Lana’s erratic behavior, and you were an enabler.

Is Lana a lost cause? Barnes, she was a lost cause when you met her. Now, let me explain something to you. Neither one of us is a psychiatrist. That’s
 why in “The System” we have the Bottom Line Factor, which states that you must go only by the woman's actions and never try to figure out why. To you Psych majors, it’s your ego that wants to know why, because that way you can rationalize her bad treatment of you. That’s the way the male ego works. 
Sure, people can change, Barnes. But not this horse. 

Remember, guys: What you see is what you get.

To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions, or to find out more about "The System," visit me at or call 800-404-2644. For the past 30 years, Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man vs. another?” 

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