Saturday, February 4, 2012

Say 'Welcome Back' To Your Sex Life

By Dr. Veronica Anderson

 We humans are sexual beings. We need to be touched. We thrive and survive on being loved physically -- and obviously emotionally too. But what do you do when you've been in a relationship that sunk a long time ago, leaving you stranded without any intimacy in your life? People in bad relationships have been missing out for way too long; when they do eventually get divorced and re-engage in sex after a sabbatical, how is it for them?

 After years of no sex -- or even just empty, mechanical sex -- divorced people discover a sudden renewed vigor in their post-split sex lives. Countless divorcees rave about their newfound singleton sexual freedom and after being conditioned to believing that life without it is fine; they realize just how important sex really is. You can't simply "delete" it and ignore that it exists. So once divorcees venture back into the world with open eyes and a clean slate, they can't believe what they've been missing all those years. Without all the bad relationship clutter clouding their minds, they often realize that the absence of sex was a major part of their marriages' demise.

 We now have years of research data confirming what most of us already know intuitively: sex is about as basic and innate the need as food, water and oxygen. We need it to survive. Deprive someone of it for years and what do you get? You get the compounded effects that you see from years of abusing one's health. It's not too different than a situation in which a person keeps pumping bad food into their system and ends up with a life-altering disease.

 People With Strong Sex Lives Live Longer

Consider this: According to Dr. Howard S. Friedman, co-author of The Longevity Project (along with Dr. Leslie R. Martin), sex is the cornerstone to living a longer, healthier life. In fact, it's not just a matter of "wham bam thank you ma'am," rather it's very much physiological. It's not merely about the sex itself; it is about the release of hormones that takes place, coinciding with an emotional connection to the intimate experience. For women, that is measured in the number of orgasms they have, something that Dr. Friedman concludes after considering eighty years of compiled psychological research. For men as well as women, the physiological benefit is a matter of oxytocin release -- something that occurs while they are in the act of giving through touch during sex. In both cases -- medically speaking -- the pleasure factor is directly linked to physical benefits of sex, which are largely connected to the release of hormones.

When we bring a new baby into the world, there is a phenomenon that occurs if the baby is not touched, physically nurtured or cuddled. The medical terminology for this is Failure to Thrive. Children suffer a number of adverse conditions as a result of abuse or neglect -- which can be linked back to the Failure to Thrive. Think about it. If we are dependent on touch from the moment we are born, it makes perfect sense that as adults we would need the same intimacy in our lives. Many couples in bad marriages are in "Failure to Thrive" situations. Though it may be voluntary on both parties' part, more often than not one person in the marriage withholds sex as a punishment. Have you ever heard of someone holding back food or water? Holding back sex for whatever reason is an act of neglect and it directly contributes to a "Failure to Thrive" existence.

Universally -- regardless of culture, religion, race or socio-economic status -- divorced men tend to die sooner than married men. In fact, when you hear about how one long-married spouse dies soon after the death of their partner, it is often because of the lack of oxytocin release. Similarly, when people stay in sexless, loveless relationships, they are on an early track to death. Even though women's mortality is not affected by divorce, the sudden parting of the clouds after a divorce can completely get both men and women back on the track to healthy living.

I am a huge advocate of good sex, for both pleasure and health reasons. Not just empty, meaningless, mundane and obligatory physical exchange -- but real, deeply engaging, wholly satisfying curl-your-toes sex. Countless times I have unabashedly talked about the need for it in our lives, and yet it remains a taboo topic that almost always creates some serious controversy. What is it with the world? When will we realize as a society that being sexually selfish is bad for health? It's okay to indulge ourselves in longevity, happiness, good health, strong companionship and lasting self-assuredness stemming from a vibrant sex life. It's essential to look beyond the age-old social mores that taught us "sex is something to be ashamed of." Sex is paramount to living healthy and whole lives and is and nothing to be ashamed of.

If you're in a bad relationship, try counseling and rehabilitating your marriage. But if you can't get anywhere and both partners are living in a "Failure to Thrive" situation, I say move on and join the ranks of countless other divorcees who are now enjoying a newfound freedom in their lives. It might be time for a little sex re-education though since you've been out of the loop so long. Who knows what you've been missing out on?

The next time a doctor records a patient's medical history and asks questions about smoking, drinking, drugs, marital status and lifestyle, he or she should also be asking about the patient's intimacy history. The reason we record this medical history is to formulate a long-term plan for our patients' health. Sex and intimacy are definitely a part of health, so it needs to be included in the plan. If we notice an area that needs attention, patients should be referred to physicians that specialize in Sexual Medicine. A prescription for great sex is part of healthy living.

An often overlooked but majorly important aspect of this sexual and medical counseling is continuous education about safe sex. I can't emphasize enough the importance of safe sex, regardless of whether you're in a monogamous relationship or not. Here's the mandatory prescription from your doctor: Safe Sex Equals Great Sex.

Follow Dr. Veronica Anderson on Twitter:

What Men Think of Valentine's Day

Our Guy Next Door give us an insider's view on how guys actually view February 14

 Most guys have a love/hate relationship with Valentine's Day. Sure, it's a fine opportunity to show just how much we care about you, to smother you with tokens of affection, to gorge on chocolate-covered-everything (including you? Please?) and suck down mid-week champagne like it's New Year's Eve. But to many of us, it's also a ginned-up, commercialized, soul-sucking sham of a holiday that goads us, each year, into obligatory (and expensive) displays of ardor we’d rather spend in other ways, at other times (though still on you, of course).

Fact is, if we’ve been doing our jobs right as boyfriends, fiancĂ©es, husbands, and sons, February 14th shouldn’t hold sway as such a spotlight moment, this steroidal, adrenalized love hijacking dressed in red ribbon and made sick on bad candies and cheap wine. 
If we’ve been pulling our weight, we wouldn’t be force-marched through this macabre amateur hour, with its teeming hoards of mind-controlled love zombies dully thronging the city, just going through the motions while the real romance—stolen moments, unexpected gestures—is left backstage.
Okay, okay. We’ll suck it up. But if we had our way, it’d just be the two of us, some big wines, and hell--some takeout (or some skirt steak and hen-of-the-woods mushrooms if we’re feeling ambitious).
As for us? If you’re really so inclined, help us evolve a bit. A boutique bourbon instead of a handle of the cheap stuff—maybe even an appointment to tour a local distillery. Or how about a butchery class, with a nice new chef’s knife that, come to think of it, might slice nicely through the aforementioned beef. Is a buttery-smooth overnight bag stuffed with some beach clothes and two round-trip tickets to someplace sandy too much to ask? Probably.  
But you get the point. We love you—we really do. We just want to show it our way, not Hallmark’s. And we want you to do the same. And if we’re doing our job, as I’ve mentioned, we already will have said thoughtful things, commented subtly on your new haircut, maybe even picked something up at the store for you on an out-of-town business trip.  
So help us stand apart from the pack. Valentine’s day, to most guys, isn’t about following a script. It’s about getting away from all of that. Okay, some of the sappy stuff we’ll keep: You, me, a bearskin rug in front of some roaring oak limbs. We'll put on some slow jams. The wine will flow. Will there be s'mores? That's up to you. Yes? Great, we’ll bring the chocolates. But whatever the case, we'll spend the night melting into each other instead of a manufactured tray of waxy, pre-packaged chocolates.
Wouldn’t that be nice?

See the Girl Next Door's thoughts about Valentine's Day on Men's Health.

Read more at Women's Health:

Why Men Want Sex and Women Want Love

Why Men Want Sex and Women Want Love

 By Elena Solomon,



Men are frustrated with women because they never want sex.

 Women are frustrated with men because they always want sex.

  Women blame men they don’t know how to love.

Men blame women that they only talk about love but don’t want to make it.

 Whether you are a man or a woman, reading this article can change your life - finally, you will be able to get rid of your frustrations about the opposite gender.

  The reason humans want sex is due to the hormone testosterone, which is predominantly male hormone. A normal male’s body produces 20 times more of this hormone than a female’s. 

In other words, a male feels the same way after one day without sex as a female after 20 days without sex. A male that has not had sex in 20 days feels the same way as a female after more than a year without sex.

 Knowing this simple difference, you can already understand the pain of the opposite gender. It’s NOT their fault: they are made this way! It’s in our genes! This is the reason why men are men and women are women.

 Men and women are DIFFERENT. 
Not better or worse, just different.

A man can father a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only mother a child every two years or so. This means, a woman HAS TO be picky about who she allows to have sex with her. 

For generations women were paying too high a price for making a wrong choice. Women that have chosen men with bad genes had a weaker offspring and their children struggled to survive. Women that have chosen men with good genes had a stronger offspring and their children survived disproportionally. Those children were carrying their picky mother’s genes and this is why those female genes were passed to us.

On the other hand, men never had adverse consequences of making a wrong choice. The more children they produced, the higher was their chance to pass their genes to future generations, as some of them would certainly survive. While men were determined to seek better genes too, they had to grab all chances to procreate coming their way to ensure their genes would be passed forward. The men that ONLY stuck with one woman (even a high quality woman) were losing genetically to the men that used all of their opportunities and had many more children that survived. Those children were carrying their father’s promiscuous genes, and this is why those male genes were passed to us.

By Nature men are made to seek as much sex as they can get, so they can spread their seed wider.

By Nature women are made to seek as many admirers as they can get, so they can make a better choice and get the best seed.

Men seek quantity - women seek quality.

This is why men seek sex and women seek love.

Love is the proof that a woman needs to have some assurance that the man will stick around and help her with the upbringing of the offspring. For a woman, sex is the culmination of her emotional commitment to a man.

For a man, sex is a physical act that eases the testosterone pressure he experiences constantly. Only after this tension has gone, can a man feel love towards a woman. This is why it often happens that men disappear after they got what they wanted: it wasn’t love; it was the testosterone pressure. Sex for men is the reality check of their passion. 

This is why having sex early in the relationship is hazardous for women: the man has not had the time to develop any romantic feelings for her. He needs time to develop those feelings, and the only way to do it is through keeping the sexual tension going for as long as practicable. Sex must be attainable, nearly possible - but not quite. When the sexual tension is at its peak, its release is mind-blowing - and once is never enough, which lays a proper foundation for a future relationship – and love.

 Men fall in love through sex; women fall in sex through love.

 All of this happens on the unconscious level - we do NOT realize what’s going on. 

But the reason why you are here today and alive is because each and every of your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their instincts and managed to attract at least one sexual partner and produce an offspring.   

So, there is no need to be bitter about men wanting sex and women wanting love. Those two are the necessary pieces of the puzzle called Survival Of The Species.

  And you’ll be better off understanding what the other gender is going through and giving them exactly what they want: a mind-blowing sex or exhilarating love.

 Go get ‘em! :-)


 Elena Solomon is the dating coach - an online dating site for smart singles. Her latest ebook 12 Simple Rulesbecame #1 'Love and Romance' bestseller in justone week. This books shows you EXACTLY how to change yourself into a confident and happy person who attracts people naturally. A special section in the book is devoted to differences between men and women, and how you can use them to your advantage.

Check it out today!

One-Night Stand



Leave it like that. You might run into her a few weeks later and she might be in the mood - and you've already planted the seed."


 Have you always wanted to go on a date, sleep with the woman immediately and never see her again? Do you find yourself at the bar on a Friday night looking around and wondering how to land that one-night stand? Here are three ways of pulling it off.

Situation No. 1: On A Date

Let's say you're on a date and you like her, but you know you don't like her enough to be your girlfriend. You know that you don't want to spend the next month pretending to like her, pretending to want to have a relationship with her, just so you can get in her pants.

So, here you go: You're laughing with her, you're having a good time, and then it all comes down to the crucial moment: How do you tell this beautiful woman sitting across from you that you do not want a relationship but would like to sleep with her?
This is what I'd do: Look directly in her eyes and do not break eye contact. Then say this: "Listen, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I think you're wonderful, but I’ve got to tell you that I know I can't give you what you need right now, and there's no reason for us to do the dance. But I do find you intriguing, really alluring and incredibly sexy, and I would love to spend the night with you tonight and show you exactly how I feel right now."

Do not break eye contact at this moment because this is going to tell whether you're strong and not afraid, and it's also going to show her that you're a guy who's done this before and you're going to give her a good time. 

She might hem, she might haw a little bit, and she might say, “Well I'm not really looking for a one-night stand.” That's when you look at her again and say this: "I'm honest. I really don't like to play games at all. I could have lied to you, and I could have told you I wanted a relationship. I could have pursued you like a lot of guys do, just to get into your pants, and then leave you confused when I don't call. But I have to tell you I am so intrigued by what you feel like. I can't stop thinking about how you and I would be together, because I know just by looking at you there are a lot of things that I can do to make you feel unbelievable tonight. And I really would like that opportunity to do that right now."

Once again, do not hesitate. The choice is hers. If she says no, look at her and tell her you understand and respect that. Leave it at that. You might run into her a few weeks later, and she might be in the mood -- and you've already planted the seed.

Situation No. 2: At The Bar 

So, you're at a bar and you're looking around. You find the one woman who keeps breaking away from her friends. She's constantly breaking for the bathroom, going to the bar herself to get a drink. She’s basically turning her back on the group and looking at different men.
What she's doing is trying to find the guy who she can either get a date with or have a fling with. What you need to do is become very playful with her. Call her out on what she's doing. Walk by and say, “I know what you're doing tonight, and I know what you're looking for. I've been watching you. I'll be back.” Leave a little bit of intrigue. About 10 minutes later, whisper in her ear and say, “What was wrong with that guy? Was that guy not the one for you for the night? I know you're interviewing tonight; I can see it.”

"You're baiting, you're playing, but you're calling her out on her sexual energy for the night."

Come back about 20 minutes later after she's done talking to another guy and just say, “What is it about all these men? They’re blowing it. You've been breaking away from your friends all night and not one guy has picked up that you're looking for a fling tonight.” And walk away again.

Then, about 15 minutes later, when she's talking to a guy, look at the guy and say, “Hey, I've got to talk to my friend for one second. Just control yourself. She'll be back in a little bit.” Put your arm around her, whisper in her ear and say, “Come with me.”

Then pull her aside, look at her and say: “That guy's not the one for you. First off, he looks like he's a selfish lover, and, secondly, I just don't think he's going to call you the next day and appreciate what you're trying to do. Look, I've been watching you all night long. It's time you and I decided to talk and get to know each other to see if we're going to do what I think we're going to do tonight.”

I mean, just be presumptive. And then she'll deny it.

Just kind of roll with it a little bit. And then sit down and talk to her for about 15 or 20 minutes, and have a good time. Look at her and say, “Are we going to do this or what? I've been watching you all night long. There are so many things I want to do. I just want to kiss your body from head to toe. I just didn't want to tell anybody about it, because I don't want any other woman to hear and get jealous.” Make eye contact when you do this. Whisper, pull back, make eye contact, and then sit back like the greatest salesman in the world and shut up and allow her to make the decision. You'll get that one-night stand.

Situation No. 3: On Vacation

 So, you're on vacation and you want to go home with that incredible story. You want your friends at the gym to be jealous about all your exploits in Cancun. So, what do you do? You basically do the exact same thing as in the last situation (at the bar), except this time you go up to a woman and say, “Look, I know what you want. You want a great vacation story. I mean, we're in Mexico right now. It's beautiful here. I'm sure you want to have great sex on the beach or in your room. Look, we're adults, we're both away on vacation, nobody knows. What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico. Why don't we go back to my room. I've got a bottle of wine and why don't we explore the feelings that we're having right now? Why don't we just take a walk on the beach and see what happens?” 

Same principals. You're baiting, you're playing, but you're calling her out on her sexual energy for the night. Most guys can't read sexual energy, and that’s why most guys can’t initiate a one-night stand.That’s most guys. And then there’s you.

Read more:

One-Night Stand



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