Saturday, March 24, 2012

Has the Sexual Revolution Been Good for Women? No

Spring came early to most of the 50 states this year—and with it, at least in the political fields, the usual crop of mixed truths, untruths, and wildly growing falsehoods. Let's yank up one of those weeds for a little inspection: the idea that a national "war on women" is afoot. 

It's an ideological whopper that demands more scrutiny than it has so far gotten, because underneath it are solid rocks of myth concerning what are called the "social issues." Let's turn over a few of these to see what facts they hide. 

Myth No. 1: The "war on women" consists of tyrannical men arrayed against oppressed but pluckily united women. 

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In the first place, womankind, bless her fickle heart, is not exactly united on…anything.

Public opinion polls show women to be roughly evenly divided on the question of abortion. This same diversity of opinion was also manifest in the arguments over the proposed new federal mandate forcing employers to pay for birth control, including abortifacients.

 Over 20,000 women, from all walks of life, signed an open letter to President Barack Obama and Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius objecting to the federal mandate. Co-written by lawyers Helen Alvare and Kim Daniels, that letter alone answered the taunting question of supporters of the measure, "Where are the women?" The answer: in impressive numbers on the opposite side of the dispute.

Other leaders hailing from the XX side of the chromosome gap also took public stands against the mandate, including politicians, pundits, professors, editors and authors who don't seem to have gotten the message that they are victims in all this. They considered the unexpected federal fiat a violation of religious liberty and individual conscience, but they didn't think these wrongs had anything to do with themselves qua women. Many men shared their view. 

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Myth No. 2: If it weren't for the Catholic Church, no one would be talking about contraception anyway.

It is not only a series of popes but also a number of prominent secular thinkers who believe that the birth-control pill has been one of the major milestones in human history—a diverse group that runs from public intellectuals of a previous generation like Walter Lippmann to such contemporary scholars as Francis Fukuyama and Robert Putnam. As many pundits had occasion to observe in 2010, the 50th anniversary of the pill, it is hard to think of anything else that has changed life so quickly and dramatically for so many.

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In other words, this isn't just a Catholic thing. In severing sex from procreation, humankind set into motion forces that have by now shaped and reshaped almost every aspect of life in the Western world. Families are smaller, birthrates have dropped, divorce and out-of-wedlock births have soared. Demography has now even started to work against the modern welfare state, which has become harder to sustain as fewer children have been produced to replace aging parents.

The sexual revolution has transformed economics, culture and law. Witness this week's Supreme Court case, in which the question at hand is whether an individual's Social Security survivor benefits belong to children conceived with his sperm months after he died.

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Even on the religious playing field, this isn't just a Catholic thing. Christian teaching against artificial contraception dates back to the earliest Church fathers confronting pagan Rome. Christians remained united on that teaching until relatively recently—1930, to be exact, which is the year that the Anglican Communion made its first, carefully circumscribed exceptions to the rule. Orthodox Jews, Mormons and some traditionalist Protestants have also pondered the issue and ended up proscribing or limiting contraception in different circumstances.

Which brings us to Myth No. 3: The "social issues" are unwanted artifacts of a primitive religious past that will eventually just fade away.

To the contrary. What we know as the "social issues"—abortion, gay marriage and the rest—are here to stay, and we'll be dealing with them for generations to come. In fact, one might even predict that these vexing issues will outlast almost every other controversy burning today.

That's because they cannot be resolved until the legacy of the sexual revolution has been settled in the Western mind—and this certainly includes the question of whether it has been a good thing or a bad thing. Judging by the state of much current commentary, we've only just begun down that road.

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This brings us to Myth No. 4, which is perhaps the most interesting one of all: The sexual revolution has made women happier.

Granted, happiness is a personal, imponderable thing. But if the sexual revolution has really made women as happy as feminists say, a few elementary questions beg to be answered.

Why do the pages of our tonier magazines brim with mournful titles like "The Case for Settling" and "The End of Men"? Why do websites run by and for women focus so much on men who won't grow up, and ooze such despair about relations between the sexes?

Why do so many accomplished women simply give up these days and decide to have children on their own, sometimes using anonymous sperm donors, thus creating the world's first purposely fatherless children? What of the fact, widely reported earlier this week, that 26% of American women are on some kind of mental-health medication for anxiety and depression and related problems?

Or how about what is known in sociology as "the paradox of declining female happiness"? Using 35 years of data from the General Social Survey, two Wharton School economists, Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, made the case in 2009 that women's happiness appeared to be declining over time despite their advances in the work force and education.

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The authors noted that women (and men) showed declining happiness during the years studied. Though they were careful not to draw conclusions from their data, is it not reasonable to think that at least some of that discontent comes from the feeling that the grass is greener elsewhere—a feeling made plausible by the sexual revolution?

However one looks at the situation, it seems difficult to argue that the results of the revolution have been a slam-dunk for happiness.

It is always hard to disentangle the weeds from the plants in such a large field. But if the sexual revolution has made women so happy, we can at least ask what it would look like for them to be unhappy. A broader inquiry might yield some results worth thinking about, in contrast to the shortsighted political theatrics over a supposed "war on women."

Has the Sexual Revolution Been Good for Women? No

Friday, March 23, 2012

9 Secrets Men Keep From Women

He Wants You to Initiate Sex

Medically reviewed by Niya Jones MD, MPH
He Wants You to Initiate Sex (and Cuddling)
You may think sexual desire is hard-wired in men, but with every attempt at turning you on comes a threat of rejection — even in the most established relationships. That’s why it’s such a turn-on when a woman makes the moves, allowing him to skip the risk altogether. And it’s not just sex he wants: One recent study from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University actually found that cuddling and caressing in a relationship are more important to men than women. Next time, be the sexual pioneer — it could strengthen the health of your relationship more than you realize. 

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He's Depressed

He's Depressed

Depression has no gender bias: It can strike anyone, including the most macho of men. However, studies show that men who are depressed are less likely to open up about their sadness or lack of energy than women. Instead, they are more likely to avoid sex, say they’re overtired, or drink more. "Some men are uncomfortable about feeling sad, and their sadness or depression may come out as anger," warns Firstein. Depression is one of the most dangerous secrets a man can keep, so if you think a male in your life could be depressed, it’s important to let him know that you’re concerned. dating website with webcam chat

He Suppresses (Instead of Addresses) Doubt

He Suppresses (Instead of Addresses) Doubt

Some men are instilled with the notion that they shouldn’t show signs of fear or doubt; eventually, those doubts and fears can snowball into big secrets, ones they may keep even from themselves. But when his undisclosed apprehensions involve his relationship — whether it’s about getting married or bringing you along to “guys’ night” — both partners’ emotional health is at risk. "Men may postpone a marriage engagement as long as possible and then propose because they think it is the right thing to do,” Firstein says. “They frequently get anxious or distant right before a wedding because they have not fully dealt with their doubts or fears." 

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He Feels Afraid of His Own Feelings

He Feels Afraid of His Own Feelings

Doubt isn’t the only emotion men stay hush-hush about — in fact, some guys have a hard time opening up about a range of feelings. "Because many men are problem solvers and are uncomfortable talking about feelings, there are a number of intense feelings that don't get expressed with words, but rather acted out," notes Firstein. The good news? Men aren’t Neanderthals. The emotions are there; they just need to be uncovered. And if ‘fessing up about his feelings remains a stumbling block, he may need to seek relationship advicefrom a professional. 

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And the Biggest Secret Men Keep…

Here’s a fact: Men need (and want) intimacy just as much as women do. Mutual respect, trust, support, and communication — these relationship musts are just as important for a man's emotional and sexual health as they are for a woman's. When both partners are able to open up and let their relationship develop at its own pace, that love will be nurtured by positivity — rather than stunted by secrets. 

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9 Secrets Men Keep From Women

9 Secrets Men Keep From Women

You may have married Honest Abe, but many men still keep some of their emotions top secret. A relationship expert explains why they stay so hush-hush.

Medically reviewed by Niya Jones MD, MPH

secrets men keep from women 
Ever wish you could delve into the male mind to figure out what he’s really 
thinking? For ages, women have tried to interpret “guy-psyche” — why he didn’t he call; why he did call you by his ex’s name. But every man is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all explanation for guys’ cryptic tendencies. However, research has found a number of surprising parallels. From his fears of commitment to his fondness for cuddling, certain emotions cause many men to freeze up rather than open up. Here are the top secrets guys keep (and why). 
He Loves You, He Loves You Not 

He Loves You, He Loves You Not

Those “three little words” could be the most complex in the English language. While some men prematurely pull the trigger on the "L word" (a recent study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that guys tend to say “I love you” first, often driven by the idea that their partner will be more likely to have sex with them) — other guys just aren’t that good at getting the words out. Instead, they show their love through their actions. How can you know for sure? Those actions may be a truer indicator of his feelings than any passion-fueled colloquy, says Irina Firstein, LCSW, a relationship counselor who has advised couples in New York City for more than 20 years. 

He Has Cold Feet 

He Has Cold Feet

Men often have a harder time picking up on subtle relationship cues — and because of this, your man may not be aware of the point in which your bond has moved to a higher expectation of commitment. In fact, some guys get anxious about becoming attached, even if they seem to enjoy the relationship. "Men often 'rubber band,' withdraw, or pull back if they feel like the relationship has moved beyond their comfort zone," Firstein notes. This new territory can take a man by surprise — even if you felt like he was forging ahead at the same pace you were. 

He Gets Performance Jitters 

He Gets Performance Jitters

Do men think about sex a lot? Sure they do, but their fears of sexual inadequacy may be just as frequent. If a man has ever had an unsuccessful go at sex (and most of them have! — flopped romps can be triggered by common missteps such as drinking too much), his stress in the bedroom can stockpile — which can eventually lead to sexual dysfunction. Many men will even avoid sex rather than talk honestly about their fears with their partner, and this can harm both the sexual health and the emotional health of a relationship. 

He's Not Crazy About Monogamy 

He's Not Crazy About Monogamy

Some men stay mum about the extent of their sexual desires. "Freedom, and particularly sexual freedom, and variety are typically more important to men than to women,” says Firstein. “Many married men feel that they love their wives and, at the same time, have no problems cheating." This difference between men and women can be one of the most damaging to a couple because of the sense of betrayal it can create (even if he never actually strays). 

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Reasons Why Men Turn Cold After Winning a Woman


While this may sound mean and unethical, there are quite a number of reasons behind this and both men and women have their fair share in the contribution. We all know our lives but we tend to be wrong about other people and it is not until we understand the ways of fellow human beings that we will all live in harmony. Relationships are concentrations of feelings and characters we all lie, pretend, love, hate, get confused, get hurt and hurt others. It is how life in love is.

When it comes to the creation of a relationship, the very start of it is what determines how smooth or rough the ride ahead will be. The early stages of a relationship are fraught of a mixture of feelings and a lot of excitement. Most women will complain that after they finally give in and start a relationship with a man that has been pursuing them; the man turns cold faster than they can explain. This is true and the reasons behind it are simple common sense.
If I were to trap chicken using grains I will drop the grains until I cage the bird; and this is how men are. They will do anything and everything in their might to make sure they get the girl and if the girl is playing mission impossible, then the man will get out of his comfort zone and do things that can only be said in the dark to make sure they win the prize. This is where the problem begins, if the lady plays hard to get for so long, the man will keep up the charade and when eventually the lady gives him the green light, he will be exhausted both mentally and emotionally. There will be nothing to fight for or run after, the sizzle will just fade off quite fast.

Now pay attention- the main reason why men turn cold or appear bored is because they have too much expectation in relationships or in the lady they want in their arms. They do not take time to read the signs or try to understand what the lady wants, they only think of themselves and what they want. At the end of the day, they end up being hurt even if they take the girl home. I believe that happy are those who expect nothing for they are never disappointed. We put our hopes up in the sky and even if something turns out to be 98% perfect, we still feel short-changed.

On the other hand, women are not willing to open up their eyes and stare reality into the eyes. They live in a fantasy world where evil doesn't exist. A woman will keep a man waiting for ages - some for the benefits that come with that period while others are confused, or want men to believe that. While a man makes decisions while he goes, women already know what they want when they get out of bed. They will want men to believe that they have not made up their minds and will end up holding them for as long as they can while checking whether there is a better option. While women are busy on their plans men will slowly get tired of the chase and will start going cold way before the relationship starts.
It is not wrong to first understand someone prior to establishing a relationship, but this does not include years of understanding him or her. It is easy to know someone and understand their vices as well as their strengths in a short period of time. No one is perfect in this world and thus you should stop collecting stones while you hold diamond in the other hand. Men should lower their expectations, after all when the lady turns out better than they expected, the relationship will have a smooth run. In conclusion, love goes round with the world and every action has an equal reaction... love is a four letter word that explains a thousand pictures.

Anthony is a freelance writer with a passion in writing about relationships advice to dating as well as married people couples.

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The Marriage Bed 202 – Going Behind The Velvet Rope

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

No, I am not a sex blogger. I am a marriage blogger and sex is part of marriage, therefore I am writing about sex. We’ve done Marriage Bed 101 and 102, now we are headed to 202. That’s right, I’m taking it up another notch.We’ve covered upgrading for your spouse. And we’ve covered boredom. Now we are going to the velvet rope region. Remember Janet Jackson’s alblum of the same same. On that alblum she flipped it on the fans. Penny from Good Times was gone. This was fetish Janet. It’s time to Velvet Rope your marriage.

What? Gasp? It’s time. Now, let’s talk about a few rules. Velvet Roping doesn’t mean going beyond your limits. If you feel embarassed or opposed to something, you don’t have to do it. But let’s be honest: most folks got a freaky fantasy or two (or seven) that they would love to act out if someone gave them the chance. Well, you know that person that was standing next to you when you got married? Yea, your spouse. Most likely they are ready, willing, and able to indulge your lil’ freaky fantasy.

You expected me to say “if you ask” after that last statement, didn’t you? Umm, no. If you are going from vanilla ice cream (missionary) to chocolate(handcuffs), you really don’t have to ask. Now if you are going from vanilla ice cream to tequila(threesome), you need to have a conversation. I don’t suggest going from vanilla to tequila. That can put someone in shock. But if you go slowly (vanilla ice cream to chocolate to cake to white wine to red wine to margarita to tequila shots) you might have a better chance of getting closer to your freaky pinnacle.

The bottom line is if you are happy with where you & your spouse are sexually, then kudos. But if you’ve been in a relationship for a minute and the spark is starting to fade, then remix it. Don’t get tricked into looking for sparks in other people (affairs), go behind your own Velvet Rope and rediscover your spark.

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at

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6 Ways To Rediscover Erotic Sex With Your Spouse

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By Melanie Votaw

Intense passion and loving intimacy can co-exist, but most couples struggle to merge erotic sex with tender love. Women don’t want to feel objectified to the absence of caring, and couples get bored if their sex lives are completely devoid of heat.

Here are some things you can try to merge tenderness and sexual heat. As you try the exercises, practice seeing your partner as someone you love who also deserves to feel the intensity of your desire and lust. Allow these exercises to move into intense passion.

What starts as gentle play can easily become deliciously hot, but you have to be willing. Don’t take any of the exercises too seriously, however. Playfulness is always welcome as long as you don’t make fun of your partner.

1. Experiment with a light touch on non-sexual parts of the body, such as the palms of the hands, the neck, the face, and the thighs. Take turns, and concentrate on the love you feel for your partner, allowing your arousal to rise naturally from your feelings of affection. Occasionally look into each other’s eyes, and giggle if the urge strikes. Continue to touch until you feel like you can’t stand it unless you make love. Couples often disconnect from both love and lust because they never give their passion time to build to a sense of urgency.

2. Everyone knows that massages are a great way to get turned on, but you can also use them to feel closer to one another. Use scented oil, which will increase the sensuality factor, and connect to the beauty of your partner’s body by closing your eyes. You can even imagine that you’re a sculptor creating this body in clay. As you rub, tell your partner what you love about his or her body. Here are examples: “I love the way your hip curves right here” or “The muscles in your arms feel so strong.”

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3. Moisture is very sensual and sexy, so take a pump bottle of body lotion and drizzle it over your partner. Of course, this is best done standing in the shower so that you can watch the liquid drip down over the hills and valleys. Then, rub the lotion into your partner’s skin with every part of your body except your hands! This is both sensual and playful and can lead to a passion-fest, if you let it.

4. Try some naked play in the tub or shower. Splash each other, build shampoo foam hats on each other’s heads, and engage in general silliness. If it doesn’t lead to lovemaking, don’t worry. You’re still connecting with each other in a great way.

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Thursday, March 22, 2012

Never Had It -- How Can I Imagine It?


Recently I had a question come across my desk stating that "the law of attraction suggests that I should put myself into the feeling of having what I desire -- that is, a loving and supporting relationship (for me at this moment). But I never had that. How can I imagine it? I don't know how it feels." 

Fabulous question!! 

It's true! When we're asking for something that seems to be completely foreign to us, it IS hard to imagine what it would feel like. The great news is that there are plenty of ways, at least in this case, to connect with the feeling. 

If you have people, friends or acquaintances around you that are in loving and supporting relationships -- spend some time around them to get a feeling of what that feels like. Be curious and pay attention to how they speak to each other, how they act around each other. 

Often, what happens is that when we see something we don't have -- we've somehow learned to go into the state of feeling badly that we don't have it when we witness it. Instead, celebrate the person who has created that in their life. 

When we go into that feeling bad state, often the reason is because we're focusing on the lack of it showing up in our life. I don't know about you, but anytime I focus on lack, I feel LOUSY! Years ago, I used to feel that way when I would see the lottery was won by someone else. I'd feel sad and come up with reasons they shouldn't have won it. (I know, I know... terribly un-spiritual!) and then I'd mope about. Do you think that is the kind of energy that's going to attract anything good? Yeah, probably not! 

Now, I get super-excited and shift into what it would be like to win and experience the happiness the winners are feeling. Totally different feeling and totally different results! 

Here's another option -- watch shows or movies that have loving and supportive relationships characterized. What popped to my mind immediately was The Cosby Show -- it was a great example of what loving relationships can be like. Now, if you find yourself thinking, "That only happens in the movies..." Ta-dah! There's your limitation!! Those kinds of relationships are totally possible. 

Allow yourself to feel their kindness. Allow yourself to feel their respect for each other. Notice if any part of you is feeling like this can't happen for you. If that pops up, you want to move into asking a question. The question is "What would it take to have this kind of relationship?" Or you could ask "Who could show up in my life that would treat me like that?" Now start watching for what shows up. Start watching for who shows up. 

Make sure you're not trying to figure out what it would take and who could show up, that's actually not for you to figure out. You're asking the questions so you can receive that information -- so you can receive those clues. You're asking the questions so your subconscious mind can start peeling through all the information it gets so it can find evidence for you. Evidence that will take you in the direction of the relationship you want. 

It starts with shifting your focus. Let your inner brilliance shine. Let your life grow and attract more of what you want! It starts with making a choice. 

These are just some ways to start, if you want more, check out my complimentary online videos at Attract More
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Karlie Kloss 'F**k Me' Video Is 19-Year-Old Model's Raciest Role Yet

Karlie Kloss Fk Me Video
We all raved about how grown-up Karlie Kloss was when she walked her firstVictoria's Secret Fashion Show, and again when she did her first fully nude shoot forVogue Italia in December.

But the 19-year-old model has gotten a bit more direct with her latest project: a starring role in a sex-themed video called "Fuck Me." 

Produced by SHOWstudio, the video is part of a series called "Fashion Fetish", created in conjunction with SHOWstudio's exhibition "Selling Sex." Conceived entirely by women, including Lady Amanda Harlech, Daphne Guinness and Dasha Zhukova, "Fashion Fetish" intends to present sex from a female perspective through the lens of (you guessed it) fashion and fetish.

Each week SHOWstudio will release a new film, beginning with Kloss' "Fuck Me." Directed by Ruth Hogben, the haunting and disorienting video places Karlie in a variety of "sexy" roles, from the smoky-eyed dominatrix to the sultry, garter-wearing vixen.

Although Kloss never actually bares it all (this isn't porn, after all), there's plenty of implied sex, foreplay and other rather menacing bedroom antics. Let's just say you've never seen Karlie like this before.

Check out the film below and let us know what you think. Is this too sexy a role for the 19-year-old? Is the video even sexy at all or just plain freaky?

Karlie Kloss 'F**k Me' Video

Beyond The Battlefield... Into The Bedroom


The best sex I've ever had is with a man who most people think can't have it. That's an extremely personal thing to blurt out in such a public forum -- and something until now, I've shared only with my sister and best girlfriends. Keeping the details of one's sex life private is, I believe, generally a good policy. But after learning American Servicemen are coming home with genital wounds that may seem to have destroyed their chances for ever again having fulfilling intimate relationships, I've come to feel an almost patriotic duty to unbolt the bedroom door and open up about my own relationship with an injured American war veteran. 

When my boyfriend was in the VA hospital learning how to be a paraplegic, (he's unable to feel or move anything below the chest level after a bullet severed his spinal cord in Vietnam), he says he pretty much "wrote-off" ever having a satisfying sexual relationship with a woman again. Today he'll brag, he's having the kind of sex most able-bodied men would envy. 

And it turns out we are not an anomaly... Because I've been asking around. I was inspired to do my own research into the so called "signature wound" of America's latest wars, after reading David Wood's deeply moving "Beyond the Battlefield" series in the Huffington Post a few months ago, with the latest installment today. What really got me, was the do-not-resuscitate pacts infantrymen were rumored making with medics -- asking their combat buddies not to save them if their sex organs were a casualty. They would rather be dead than castrated, Wood succinctly explained. (The loss of legs are apparently not considered important enough to include in these battlefielddeals, only the penis is part of the pact). 

Since I figured the attachment to this particular body part has a lot to do with a perceived inability to perform sexually, and since I know that to be faulty reasoning, I decided to do my own interviews with Servicemen who suffered genitourinary (GU) wounds in Iraq and Afghanistan. (As a television reporter for the CBS affiliate in Los Angeles for more than a decade, I'm accustomed to asking personal questions -- and this time I was willing to answer some of my own). And I've found Servicemen and their wives and girlfriends are forthcoming with private details about how war wounds have changed their love lives. They've been candid about what no longer works, and work-arounds to take its place; they've told me of adaptations discovered and enhancements found; they've expressed grief over what they've had to give up forever, and mirth about what they can do now that they wouldn't have dreamed of doing before. One double amputee for example smiled as he told how, without legs he's lost some leverage in the act of lovemaking, but gained some serious flair -- in the diversity of positions he can now maneuver his body into. Especially, his wife laughingly told me, if he removes his prosthetics. 

They both spoke of the necessity of finding humor in their circumstances. But I'm not going to sugar coat the nature of what's required for recovery -- all the Servicemen I've spoken to admit, going from the battlefield into the bedroom with GU wounds (burned, shot, mangled, in some cases even amputated sex organs), is, at the beginning, anguishing. Separately, two married soldiers with genital injuries told me they refused to have sex with their wives for months: Even after doctors said it was okay. Even though their wives were trying hard to re-ignite passion. Even when the lack of sexual intimacy began threatening the health of their marriages. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why Does Love Hurt?

by Erin McNaughton 
“Please describe why love hurts.”

This is the first topic I’ve had a reader request I talk about. It’s a tricky one, but I’ll answer the best I can.

First and foremost, we should figure out what love is. Love as we understand it is a myth. Love is an emotional response due to the triggering of neurotransmitters in the brain and the release of neuromodulators, such as oxytocin. Love is a perception, a judgement, an evaluation. Okay, now let’s ignore my background in science for a minute, and think about what love means, culturally and universally.

What is love?

Love is rainbows and butterflies, puppies and unicorns. Love is waking up next to the same person every morning with a huge smile on your face. Love never fights, love always share. Love is receiving a dozen roses every Thursday “just because.” Love is happily going to the football game with your husband, that awful chick flick with your girlfriend. Love is beautiful. Love is perfect. Right?

I don’t think so.

Love is painted to be this idealistic and effortless state of pure bliss. In our culture, love is supposed to be easy. But it’s not. I don’t understand why people willingly jump into that mysterious rabbit hole without consulting the rules and guidelines first. So here’s a page or so torn from the middle of that rulebook – the section on why love sometimes hurts.

Love hurts because we choose for it to hurt. We allow ourselves to develop attachments to people, acting under the assumption that they’ll always be there for us. Personally, I’m a brick wall, but once someone gets through that, it’s really hard for me to let them go; it’s unbelievable hard for me to accept that love doesn’t last forever and that someone I care deeply about doesn’t care all that much about me.

“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”
- Jennifer Aniston

Love hurts because we over-think events, we make assumptions about others’ intentions, and we attribute character flaws to our transgressors. Rather than focusing on the love we’ve experienced, we focus on the pain it’s caused. Since we can’t control events, we try to explain them; however, both are equally damaging.

“What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It’s we who make it complicated.”
- Leo Buscaglia

Love hurts because we give up on it. When you’ve got a family and friends – a dozen people who would put their lives on the line for you – why do you wallow in self-pity over the loss of one person? When the going gets tough, its prime time to toughen up; don’t falter and don’t lose faith. Love is delicate, but love is also strong.

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.”
- Author Unknown

Love hurts because it makes us vulnerable to another. Love is taking off your armor and trusting that someone you care about won’t take a cheap shot. Love is scary because there’s a lot at risk. The potential for pain will always linger in the back of your mind if you let it; be aware, but not on-guard.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
- C.S. Lewis

Love has the potential to hurt. Love – whether blissful, unreciprocated, or lost – can evoke the most potent pain known to man. I would bet that surveys would show heartbreak to be the most undesirable of human experiences. However, love is also one of the greatest teachers life has to offer. Fearlessly embrace love and allow it to mold you, rather than handling it from an arm’s length away; if you don’t put you’re all into, you won’t get anything out of it.

What baffles me is that love is a gift and love is a choice. If someone walks into your life, gives you the world, makes you a better person, and then walks out, why can’t we just accept that? Why can’t we be grateful for what that person taught us, the strength they gave us in learning to let them go?

I believe that people are inherently good. I don’t think anyone intentionally hurts anyone else; I think it’s simply selfish motives getting in the way of the greater good. I believe that everyone would choose love over hurt, if given the option in its purest form.

Love sometimes hurts and that’s okay. But we should never let the pain engulf and debilitate us. Recognize unhealthy evaluations of love and loss and learn to let them go, but never let go of love because the potential for pleasure and flourishing is always worth the risk of pain.

Why Does Love Hurt?

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