Thursday, April 12, 2012

Trying to Create the Frankenstein Monster of Love


A man comes across a genie who grants him any wish he wants. He thinks for a second and says, “okay, I want a woman who’s great in bed, a woman who can cook, and a woman who can clean.”

“Yes, master. And will there be anything else?”

“Yeah, and I don’t want any of them to find out about each other.”

When it comes to relationships, some people want it all. Well, here’s my story of a girl who had an unconventional strategy for getting it all….

Selma and I were friends for over ten years. During six of those, she was involved with an insanely jealous man. When she finally mustered up the courage to end the relationship, she rebounded herself onto a “,” as she liked to call him. Antonio was a purely physical relationship, and Pinocchio sex (that is, sex with no strings attached) was exactly what she needed at the time.

One night, months later, Selma and I were out with a group of friends. A few rounds of drunken flirting led to a bout of spontaneous kissing, and somehow, we ended up spending the night together….Trying to Create the Frankenstein Monster of Love i am not a role model  trans

The next day, we agreed that this wasn’t just a random hook-up and that there was definitely romantic interest there. So, I asked her out on an official date. Admittedly, I wasn’t thrilled that she’d been sleeping with some random guy for months. But, this was all before I came into the picture, so I told myself it would be okay.

And so, we went on our very . Now, I can regale you with the tales of my charm and my wit. But suffice it to say, Selma gushed at the end of the night that this was the best date she’d ever been on. Of course, her relationship experience up to this point consisted of 1) an immature high school sweetheart, 2) insane jealous boyfriend, and 3) boy toy. As far as  went, I didn’t exactly think it would take much to impress her. But, I allowed myself to bask in the satisfaction of having planned someone’s best date ever.

We talked on the phone several times over the next week, and life was all rainbows and fluffy clouds. Then, one evening….

She told me how she loved that I was romantic with her and made her laugh—always, in my experience, the preface to a heaping pile of dumpage. But—and here it came—she had shown a pattern of jumping from one guy to the next, so she wanted to slow things down and not do anything more than making out for a while.

I was okay with this, actually. (Phew, no heaping piles there.) But then, she said this:

“I’m so glad you understand. I really am excited about us, and I really think this can go somewhere. But, just to let you know, I still want to see Antonio, too.”

 stood there in dumbfounded silence for a good thirty seconds.

“Let me get this straight. You want me to take you out on dates and be romantic with you and take it slow and not get too physical too quickly. BUT, in the meantime, you’re gonna keep sleeping with another guy?”

“It’s just sex. It doesn’t mean anything. YOU’RE the one I want to be with.”

“You know, I don’t know if I’m okay with this.”

“I don’t see the problem. Why can’t we take it slow and not mess things up between us?”


The title of this article is more or less what I said next (minus the expletives). She just couldn’t see why I had such a problem with her plan. She even went as far as to accuse me of being “a guy just looking to get laid.” Oh yeah, that salt really tingles when the cut is still bleeding.

Finally, I coaxed the truth out of her. After days of “discussion,” during which time I firmly stood my ground and totally got back at her by withholding all “” and “laughter” from her, I realized that she had feelings for Antonio. He was the one she actually wanted to be with. However, he simply wasn’t willing to give her anything more than . So, she convinced herself that  was what she wanted, too. In the meantime, she sought out the romance and the affection from someone else. Guess who that lucky candidate was?

Needless to say, we stopped seeing each other after that. And, as anyone could’ve guessed, things ultimately fell apart with Antonio. She wanted more, and he was unwilling to give her more. In the end, she lost both the sex and the romance.

So, I hope the moral of this particular story is clear: You can wait and hold out for the one who has it “all.” Or you can accept the one who has “most” of it. Or you may even settle for one who has only “some” of it. As long as you’re happy, no one else has a right to judge.

But, if you want it all, “all” has to encompass one person. You can’t create your own Frankenstein monster of love from several different people, with some sex from this person, some romance from this person, some intelligent conversation from this person, and some laughter and fun from yet this other person. It all has to come from the same person. The payoff for holding out can be the person of your dreams. But the price you pay for holding out is patience.

Selma didn’t have the patience. She wanted it “all.” Well, that just wasn’t acceptable. Especially for the guy who wasn’t getting “any.”

Check out Dennis’s Frankenstein Monster of Dating Advice, also called LemonVibe.

Trying to Create the Frankenstein Monster of Love


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