Beat This One, You Guys: One Time I Made a Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Reference While Gettin' Down

by Anna Breslaw

This may not be my most embarrassing hookup tale; when it comes to my embarrassing sex encounters, the well never runs dry. No, I didn't ask him to dress up as Link or anything, but I was kind of drunk, and what I said actually might have been even weirder, if that's possible.




Facepalm.




More recently than I care to admit, I went on a few dates with this guy--actually, this man, because being 30 makes you a man, right?--despite my glaring lack of dating protocol from the get-go. On our third date, we bar-hopped until midnight, and, nervous ferret that I am, I spent the evening pounding drinks (are you sensing a theme?). After more than enough liquid courage, I invited him up. We did some stuff and at some point he stood up to take off his pants. (I'm still on the bed and eye-level with his thighs at this point.)


I don't know what was going through my mind. I do know that I'm kind of an abstract thinker, and also had a few drinks in me, but that hardly explains, um, this:


ME: You know what guys' thighs remind me of?


MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT: Uh... no, tell me.


ME: Did you ever play Legend of Zelda on Nintendo 64? You remember that giant field you ride around on with the horse outside that town and it seems like the field never ends, because they programmed it to seem that way? And you just ride around on the horse?


MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE: And that reminds you of... thighs?


ME: Guy's thighs, yeah.



MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE AND ALSO WENT TO HARVARD GRADUATE SCHOOL, BY THE WAY: I'm not following.


ME: Because they're so vast...?



MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE AND ALSO WENT TO HARVARD GRADUATE SCHOOL, BY THE WAY (WHOM I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN):


What?



Needless to say, it did not work out between me and this person, which is fine, because I am way too busy rescuing Ruto the Zora princess from the belly of Lord Jabu-Jabu. FML.


Advice? Should I move to Sunnyvale, California? Would I still have struck out with a Magic: The Gathering reference? Tell me an equally embarrassing nerd-sex tale to console me? (Help.)

More of our most awkward sexual experiences:
*The First Date DON'T That's Often a Do
*Getting to Know You: What's Your Most Embarrassing Hooking-Up Story?
*Were You A Late Bloomer?

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WTF Bad Date?

Because, that's why
by Simone Grant

I walk in and he’s there early.  Good start.


For a while things are OK-ish. Truth is, I wasn’t really feeling much of anything. We met ages ago and couldn’t remember much about the guy. Just a few random biographical details.


Anyway, things are going OK when all of a sudden things start getting weird. It doesn’t occur to me, until a little too late, that he’s had too much to drink. Or maybe, more likely, the small amount of alcohol he consumed wasn’t mixing well with some meds or another. I’m guessing, from experience.


One minute things were fine and then POOF he’s had way too much to drink (and continues to order more). He starts to slur and bring up ever more inappropriate topics of conversation.


And what do I do?


I smiled. I pretended he was sober. I acted as if his questions were completely appropriate. Even when he was kinda scaring me.


Why?


Well.. for lots of reasons, I suppose. I thought he was genuinely a decent guy who’d made a bad judgment call. And I thought we’d might bump into each other again (NYC being a very small town, in lots of ways). And I didn’t want to get up and leave him with most of a cheese plate left uneaten on the table (he suggested we order food, and I figured the cheese plate would have sobering benefits).


It was hardly the first time something like happened to me. People get nervous, they do stupid stuff.  It was what happened afterward that really freaked me out.


He texted the next day. No apology. More of a, “how are you” text. I’d already decided that if he texted or called with an apology that we’d be cool. Because, again, people do dumbass things.


I was completely caught off guard. At a loss for words, actually. So I didn’t reply. I was planning on it. I just had no idea what to say. And then another text… this one not so nice.  Kind of malicious, in fact. Maybe it was a joke, but it didn’t seem like a joke. So I decided to ignore them both. Because, you know. I’m just not that nice or into playing games.


A week later I get a message from him on facebook asking me what went wrong. WTF?


And the moral of this story is… the next time a guy starts getting sloppy drunk on a first date, just leave.


WTF Bad Date?

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How My Insecurity Cost Me My Relationship With a Wonderful Man

By Vivian Booth

I had been in a wonderful relationship with a man for about eight months. Everything was going well. We spent plenty of time together and I could tell he genuinely enjoyed being with me. He would wine and dine me. The sex was great but I knew that was not the only reason he was with me. We could spend a wonderful evening together watching a old movie with his dog curled up beside us. We would snuggle and kiss and that was as far as we would go. He made me feel wonderful.


One thing I found troubling about our relationship was the fact that he did not tell me he loved me as much as I thought he should. Looking back I realize now that he showed me in more ways than I can count how much he cared for me. In fact he did tell me he love me very much through his actions but it was the words "I love you" that I so desperately needed to hear. The fact that he was not verbally telling me he loved me made me feel insecure. And this insecurity grew the longer we where together.


I finally found the nerve and what I thought was the right time to bring up this part of our relationship that had been troubling me. At first he seemed a bit perplexed. Hadn't he shown me by his actions and thoughts how much he loved me? Yes I said he had but I still needed to hear those three words coming from his lips. He countered by saying that his family had never been one to express their feelings verbally. He knew his mother loved him by her actions. Baking his favorite cookies and bringing them to him and his friends along with glasses of sweetened ice tea when they where watching a favorite television show. Or the way his father spent time with him on a Saturday afternoon after the yard work had been done or the list of chores that his mom had taped to the refrigerator had been completed. He said years later he had come to realize how tired his father must have been after working five ten hour days yet he could tell his father enjoyed their Saturdays together.


And yet in another of his ways of showing he loved me he said he would work on expressing his feeling for me in a more verbal manner. He seemed deflated when he left later that afternoon but managed to tell me he loved me after taking out the trash and fixing the shower head in my bathroom that had started leaking the week before. He didn't call me Sunday night as usual but I didn't think too much of it. I saw him the following Tuesday and things just didn't feel right. There as more silence between us than usual.


To make a long story short I ended up losing him because of my insecurity. Don't let that happen to you. Learning what makes a man tick and why he acts the way he does is crucial if you want to take your relationship with him to the next level. Every man is somewhat unique but there are common traits and characteristics that many men share. Learn what these are and you can develop a deeper more meaningful relationship than you ever thought possible.


If you want a deeper more committed relationship with your man watch this free short entertaining video. It was put together by a man who has helped thousands of couples and tens of thousands of women in their relationships. It is well worth watching.


Please don't make the same mistake I did. Watch this free video. Learn why men act the way the do, the reason they fear commitment and how your understanding of him can lead to a wonderful life together.
How My Insecurity Cost Me My Relationship With a Wonderful Man

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