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by Anna Breslaw
This may not be my most embarrassing hookup tale; when it comes to my embarrassing sex encounters, the well never runs dry. No, I didn't ask him to dress up as Link or anything, but I was kind of drunk, and what I said actually might have been even weirder, if that's possible.
Facepalm.
More recently than I care to admit, I went on a few dates with this guy--actually, this man, because being 30 makes you a man, right?--despite my glaring lack of dating protocol from the get-go. On our third date, we bar-hopped until midnight, and, nervous ferret that I am, I spent the evening pounding drinks (are you sensing a theme?). After more than enough liquid courage, I invited him up. We did some stuff and at some point he stood up to take off his pants. (I'm still on the bed and eye-level with his thighs at this point.)
I don't know what was going through my mind. I do know that I'm kind of an abstract thinker, and also had a few drinks in me, but that hardly explains, um, this:
ME: You know what guys' thighs remind me of?
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT: Uh... no, tell me.
ME: Did you ever play Legend of Zelda on Nintendo 64? You remember that giant field you ride around on with the horse outside that town and it seems like the field never ends, because they programmed it to seem that way? And you just ride around on the horse?
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE: And that reminds you of... thighs?
ME: Guy's thighs, yeah.
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE AND ALSO WENT TO HARVARD GRADUATE SCHOOL, BY THE WAY: I'm not following.
ME: Because they're so vast...?
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE AND ALSO WENT TO HARVARD GRADUATE SCHOOL, BY THE WAY (WHOM I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN):
What?
Needless to say, it did not work out between me and this person, which is fine, because I am way too busy rescuing Ruto the Zora princess from the belly of Lord Jabu-Jabu. FML.
Advice? Should I move to Sunnyvale, California? Would I still have struck out with a Magic: The Gathering reference? Tell me an equally embarrassing nerd-sex tale to console me? (Help.)
This may not be my most embarrassing hookup tale; when it comes to my embarrassing sex encounters, the well never runs dry. No, I didn't ask him to dress up as Link or anything, but I was kind of drunk, and what I said actually might have been even weirder, if that's possible.
Facepalm.
More recently than I care to admit, I went on a few dates with this guy--actually, this man, because being 30 makes you a man, right?--despite my glaring lack of dating protocol from the get-go. On our third date, we bar-hopped until midnight, and, nervous ferret that I am, I spent the evening pounding drinks (are you sensing a theme?). After more than enough liquid courage, I invited him up. We did some stuff and at some point he stood up to take off his pants. (I'm still on the bed and eye-level with his thighs at this point.)
I don't know what was going through my mind. I do know that I'm kind of an abstract thinker, and also had a few drinks in me, but that hardly explains, um, this:
ME: You know what guys' thighs remind me of?
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT: Uh... no, tell me.
ME: Did you ever play Legend of Zelda on Nintendo 64? You remember that giant field you ride around on with the horse outside that town and it seems like the field never ends, because they programmed it to seem that way? And you just ride around on the horse?
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE: And that reminds you of... thighs?
ME: Guy's thighs, yeah.
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE AND ALSO WENT TO HARVARD GRADUATE SCHOOL, BY THE WAY: I'm not following.
ME: Because they're so vast...?
MAN WHO IS THIRTY AND OVER IT WHO TAKES CARE OF A DOG AND IS THEREFORE RESPONSIBLE AND ALSO WENT TO HARVARD GRADUATE SCHOOL, BY THE WAY (WHOM I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN):
What?
Needless to say, it did not work out between me and this person, which is fine, because I am way too busy rescuing Ruto the Zora princess from the belly of Lord Jabu-Jabu. FML.
Advice? Should I move to Sunnyvale, California? Would I still have struck out with a Magic: The Gathering reference? Tell me an equally embarrassing nerd-sex tale to console me? (Help.)
More of our most awkward sexual experiences:
*The First Date DON'T That's Often a Do
*Getting to Know You: What's Your Most Embarrassing Hooking-Up Story?
*Were You A Late Bloomer?
Read More *The First Date DON'T That's Often a Do
*Getting to Know You: What's Your Most Embarrassing Hooking-Up Story?
*Were You A Late Bloomer?
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