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By April Daniels Hussar
He loves me, he loves me not... These seven little words can evoke very different feelings in different people -- from a shrug of the shoulders to sheer panic. Which end of the spectrum you're on, and how you fare in the dating world, both have to do with your emotional attachment style. Do you know what yours is?
Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine, M.D., co-author ofAttached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love (paperback edition: Jan. 2012), told HealthySELF that your attachment type depends on two things: your attitude toward intimacy and closeness, and how sensitive, or vigilant, you are when it comes to your relationships.
Levine says he and his co-author, Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., based their work on a large body of research into romantic relationships that goes back more than 20 years. They say the science of adult attachment predicts, with a great deal of accuracy, how people will behave in romantic relationships and whether they will be well-matched.
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What are the three types of attachment?
Secure: According to the book authors, about half of people fall into this category. If you are loving and love to be close, but are not very "vigilant" (i.e., too worried or obsessed) about being loved back, then you have a secure attachment style.
Anxious: If you crave closeness and intimacy, but tend to worry a lot about being loved back, then you have an anxious attachment style. "This style finds it very difficult to move on, and even after years may still pine away for someone," says Levine. People with this style of attachment tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in their partner's moods, and fear that their partner doesn't want to be as close as they would like to and can be. In other words, they are hyper-vigilant about their relationships.
Avoidant: These types value independence above all else, and tend to keep everyone at an arm's distance. If you want to be in a relationship, but soon start feeling uncomfortable and start pushing your partner away, then you have an avoidant style. "You think, 'This is just not the right person for me; I'm just not in love with them enough; I need to find The One, the perfect person for me, then I'll be happy,'" says Levine. "But the problem is not that -- it's that you don't feel comfortable with closeness."
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So, how does this come into play when you're dating? "Secure people tend to more easily find themselves in a relationship, because they are good at relationships," says Levine. "So there tends to be more representation of the anxious and the avoidant styles in the dating pool."
And, of course, anxious and avoidant types tend to be drawn together. "They enforce each other's world view," explains Levine. "Anxious says, 'I'm never going to be loved enough.'" They mistake anxiety and worry for passion, Levine says, adding that people with an anxious style of attachment do this in other areas of their lives too, like with friends. "They give lot of attention to people who are inconsistent and unreliable, and miss out on the people who really are there for them; they don't notice the secure-style people in their lives."
Meanwhile, those with avoidant attachment styles soon feel smothered by their anxious mates, further reinforcing their belief that what they need is independence.
"We have this notion that love will conquer all, but you can be very much in love and have attachment styles that may not work with one another," says Levine.
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When it comes to finding success in dating, Levine offer the following tips:
Know your attachment style, and understand the three types of attachment so you can recognize them in your potential mates. "People really tell you who they are early on; you need to listen and watch for that," says Levine. "If you are anxious and meet an avoidant, both of you really have to trust the signs and understand this is not the right match for you. There is something more important than just the initial attraction. Ask yourself: Does this person have what it takes to make you happy in the long run?"
Don't play games. It's better to be upfront and honest from the beginning, says Levine. "Don't pretend to be something you're not." For example, if you're really an anxious type, but you try to follow the dating "rules" and play hard to get, or act very independent, Levine says, "You could attract an avoidant style person, and eventually it won't work, because you really do need lots of reassurance and attention."
Don't mistake a secure person for a boring person. "You may be used to the drama and anxiety of an anxious or avoidant style, so when there is no tension, you might interpret that as lack of passion," says Levine. "Get off the roller coaster and learn to value what someone might be able to give you." While you might be used to rocky shoals (which you mistake for passion), Levine says love is better characterized as "still waters run deep."
Are You Attracted to Your Emotional Opposite?
Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine, M.D., co-author ofAttached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love (paperback edition: Jan. 2012), told HealthySELF that your attachment type depends on two things: your attitude toward intimacy and closeness, and how sensitive, or vigilant, you are when it comes to your relationships.
Levine says he and his co-author, Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., based their work on a large body of research into romantic relationships that goes back more than 20 years. They say the science of adult attachment predicts, with a great deal of accuracy, how people will behave in romantic relationships and whether they will be well-matched.
Related: How to Lose 2 Pounds a Week
What are the three types of attachment?
Secure: According to the book authors, about half of people fall into this category. If you are loving and love to be close, but are not very "vigilant" (i.e., too worried or obsessed) about being loved back, then you have a secure attachment style.
Anxious: If you crave closeness and intimacy, but tend to worry a lot about being loved back, then you have an anxious attachment style. "This style finds it very difficult to move on, and even after years may still pine away for someone," says Levine. People with this style of attachment tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in their partner's moods, and fear that their partner doesn't want to be as close as they would like to and can be. In other words, they are hyper-vigilant about their relationships.
Avoidant: These types value independence above all else, and tend to keep everyone at an arm's distance. If you want to be in a relationship, but soon start feeling uncomfortable and start pushing your partner away, then you have an avoidant style. "You think, 'This is just not the right person for me; I'm just not in love with them enough; I need to find The One, the perfect person for me, then I'll be happy,'" says Levine. "But the problem is not that -- it's that you don't feel comfortable with closeness."
Related: 20 Superfoods for Weight Loss
So, how does this come into play when you're dating? "Secure people tend to more easily find themselves in a relationship, because they are good at relationships," says Levine. "So there tends to be more representation of the anxious and the avoidant styles in the dating pool."
And, of course, anxious and avoidant types tend to be drawn together. "They enforce each other's world view," explains Levine. "Anxious says, 'I'm never going to be loved enough.'" They mistake anxiety and worry for passion, Levine says, adding that people with an anxious style of attachment do this in other areas of their lives too, like with friends. "They give lot of attention to people who are inconsistent and unreliable, and miss out on the people who really are there for them; they don't notice the secure-style people in their lives."
Meanwhile, those with avoidant attachment styles soon feel smothered by their anxious mates, further reinforcing their belief that what they need is independence.
"We have this notion that love will conquer all, but you can be very much in love and have attachment styles that may not work with one another," says Levine.
Related: Yoga Moves for Flat Abs
When it comes to finding success in dating, Levine offer the following tips:
Know your attachment style, and understand the three types of attachment so you can recognize them in your potential mates. "People really tell you who they are early on; you need to listen and watch for that," says Levine. "If you are anxious and meet an avoidant, both of you really have to trust the signs and understand this is not the right match for you. There is something more important than just the initial attraction. Ask yourself: Does this person have what it takes to make you happy in the long run?"
Don't play games. It's better to be upfront and honest from the beginning, says Levine. "Don't pretend to be something you're not." For example, if you're really an anxious type, but you try to follow the dating "rules" and play hard to get, or act very independent, Levine says, "You could attract an avoidant style person, and eventually it won't work, because you really do need lots of reassurance and attention."
Don't mistake a secure person for a boring person. "You may be used to the drama and anxiety of an anxious or avoidant style, so when there is no tension, you might interpret that as lack of passion," says Levine. "Get off the roller coaster and learn to value what someone might be able to give you." While you might be used to rocky shoals (which you mistake for passion), Levine says love is better characterized as "still waters run deep."
Are You Attracted to Your Emotional Opposite?
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