Friday, April 6, 2012

Help! Why Won’t My Boyfriend Quit Watching Porn? Am I Not Enough for Him?

Dear Single John,
My boyfriend of 2 years likes to watch porn at night when he thinks I'm sleeping. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, like the girls in the videos have something that I don't. I've told him that it hurts me when he watches porn, but he blows it off like it's not a big deal. I've brought up us watching porn together because that would make me more comfortable, being able to see his face while he watches...I'm good at reading people. But he absolutely refuses to watch it with me. He asked me to be his wife and tells me he wants me to be the mother of his children, but I'm not sure if I want to do that with someone who takes such disregard for my feelings so that he can find pleasure. Is there anything we could do together that would make him want porn less and want me more? 
- No Competition

The porn thing. I’ve gotten flack before from readers before for saying that a guy’s masturbation time is his own and it has little to nothing to do with his partner, but it’s something I believe, and I’m sticking to it. I have my own issues with porn (I have no idea what kind your dude is watching), but those issues have nothing to do with guys using alternative means to supplement their sex life.

Chances are, his watching porn has absolutely nothing to do with you, your relationship, or your sex life. Guys masturbate. We are awesome at it. He’s going to do it anyway. If he agreed to stop watching porn, what would you be OK with him “using” instead? Because he’s going to fantasize about something. How about your friends? His coworkers? Women he actually knows?

Or are you hoping that eliminating porn from his masturbatory diet will make him fantasize about you and only you? Because it won’t.

If you weren’t having sex, and this was his only sexual release, I’d say there’s a problem with your sex life that needs addressing, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

And props to you for trying to watch it with him. I love it when a partner wants to explore my private sexual world. Even if I’m not game for it, I appreciate the effort. But you don’t seem to want to join in, you seem to want to watch because “you’re good at reading people.” Stop trying to be a creepy masturbation private investigator (which, by the way, sounds like the worst job on the planet).

Letting him know you know how and when he masturbates should be enough to get him to change his habits.

I understand your concern for his regard for your feelings. But if your guy was forbidden from watching porn, period, I do think his desire for you would increase, as would his desire for everyone else.

I think the more realistic option is to weigh his porn activities against your actual sex life and see if there’s a real problem there. If he’s using it to replace, as opposed to supplement, your sex life, it may make sense to have a chat about each other’s needs.

After all, if this guy’s going to be your husband, this would just be the beginning of your sex life, so best to nip it in the bud.

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