Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Can You Pressure A Woman Into Loving You?

By Doc Love

This week's letter comes from a woman who met a Navy SEAL on the Internet, and although he must be macho on the job, his gushy dating technique left him high and dry.

Reader's Question

Dear Doc Love,
I wanted to tell you that you have yet another woman in your corner. At first I was put off by the somewhat negative tone, but now I can appreciate your directness and humor. Your advice is great.

I am writing to you because I wanted to say that the problem of "needy men" requires more discussion. I don't think that guys are getting the picture. No man wants to admit he is needy, especially if he has a very macho profession, so he dismisses the problem.

I just broke off a yearlong relationship with a highly decorated former Navy SEAL because he was simply too needy and insecure. We met via a matchmaking service on the Internet. We spent several months talking on the phone and e-mailing each other before we met in person. (We live a great distance apart.) 

I ignored a few obvious "red flags" in the beginning. He told me that he loved me and thought we were soul mates before we ever met in person. We talked on the phone every day for hours upon hours. At first I thought he was really romantic. My friends warned me that this was largely fantasy, but I really wanted to believe that I had finally found "the One."

Fantasy Vs. Reality

Several weeks later, when we finally met in person, it was very difficult for me to fuse the "fantasy phone man" with the real person in front of me. He expected a grand romance, an instant physical connection. I was just getting used to the reality that there was this stranger in front of me that I knew only by phone.

I was only somewhat attracted to him physically, but I liked him so much over the phone that I hoped he would grow on me. He immediately sensed that I was pulling back. Rather than let me process this new dynamic, he hounded me for daily affirmations of my love for him. He would pout if I did not sound totally enthusiastic to hear from him after his fifth telephone call in one day. I told him that I felt that we were going too fast and that I needed time for my feelings to catch up. 
Our woman of the hour tries to give this guy a clue...

He didn't understand that I could love him as a person (based upon our hundreds of phone hours), but not feel "in love" yet. I tried to help him understand. I even sent him links to your articles to give him some clues about the negative effects of saying "I love you" too much and being too needy. That backfired big-time. He just got offended and more hurt.

We visited each other every other month. Although I tried my best to fall in love with him, something was missing. He would talk excitedly about marriage and children with me and I would try to share that vision, but I just didn't feel it. Finally I could not take it any more and broke up with him.

He told me that I ruined his life and that I am a horrible person for having led him on. He then continued to call me every day, begging to get back together. He sent pleading e-mail to my family. He sent gifts. He even said that if he couldn't be my boyfriend, then he still wanted to be my best friend and talk to me every day.

He then accused me of wanting a jerk over a "nice guy." That is so untrue. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times because I liked the fact that he was nice. But his "niceness" turned into desperation. Ugh. I finally had to block him. I feel like I hung in there much longer than most women would. I really gave him my best shot. What else could I have done?

Lucinda -- who would love to hear your thoughts, Doc

Doc Love's Answer

Hi Lucinda,
Great letter. Thank you.

You've brought to light something very important. A guy can be as tough as a tank on the outside and still be a lost, little, whimpering boy on the inside. Think of the strength, the discipline, the stamina, and the endurance required of a man to become a Navy SEAL. It's extraordinary. I mean you have to be one tough, almost superhuman dude to make it. Only a very, very small percentage of men have what it takes. Most guys wouldn't get past the first orientation meeting. More than half of those who even get to try to become a SEAL, scrub out before they make the grade.

So here's a guy with all that strength and all those survival and combat skills, and he's completely lost and useless when it comes to courtship. He's a winner on the battlefield but a total loser in love. But just as he was able to become an extremely competent, highly skilled soldier by undergoing proper training, so too can he become equally successful in love.

Welcome to Doc Love's boot camp...

There is one place where men can go for the intensive training in deportment and courtship skills necessary to gain mastery in love relationships. That place is known as "Doc Love's boot camp for seekers of truth -- leave your ego at the door."

He's A Lost Cause

Bless you, Lucinda, for your kind and courageous gesture of trying to acquaint this guy with "The System." Unfortunately, it seems that he's not ready to change, at least not now. He's un-coachable. He had the ball in his hand but he fumbled it, on purpose! My bible totin' Uncle Jethro Love would say that you were "Casting your pearls before swine." But let's not be too harsh on him. He may redeem himself someday. Never say never.

Still, I must point out that this dude was really blowing it with you from the get-go. Before he had even met you in person, he was telling you he loved you. Geesh! He was in such a rush to seal the deal, I'm surprised he didn't propose marriage over the phone as well. Why wait? And of course, as all serious students of "The System" can see, he was spending way, way, way too much time on the phone talking with you. He was about as much of a Challenge as a tennis match with a 4-year-old.

Too Little, Too Late

Lucinda, you could have avoided this disaster if you had listened to your own inner womanly wisdom that was speaking to you. Be honest with yourself. When Mr. War Hero raised those red flags that you mentioned, you knew right then and there, in your heart of hearts, that this puppy wasn't going to fly. You were in love with the idea of being in love but not with the man himself. You should have cut him loose while your relationship with him was merely telephonic. Instead, you drew it out; and things, as you might have expected if you were being objective, got ugly.

I could end the analysis of this fiasco right here, but for the sake of decency, I have to berate this guy about one other thing. He deserves it.

First he's so cloying and obnoxious that he leaves you no alternative but to break up with him. Then he accuses you of ruining his life and hounds you with phone calls begging you to get back together with him? He even sends pleading e-mail to your family! Classless moron! He's truly a lost soul. You can bet, as sure asJimmy Dean loves pork sausage, that this loser will be repeating the same mistakes with his next love interest. Let's all pray for him. (I'm serious.) 
Next time around, Lucinda, be true to your inner voice and weed out the needy boys before you get involved with another one of them.
Remember guys; neediness is unmanly. 


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