Friday, March 16, 2012

2 guys and I have no idea which one to pick!

A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *ummers_247 writes:

Dear cupid,

I can’t decide which man I want to be with! Please can you offer your advice on what I should do?

There were problems in my relationship with M when I first met S. I hadmoved to university in a new town (though this was already planned whenwe started dating), and the distance was really hard for both of us.Prior to me moving here, I started to notice that there were many gapsin our relationship. I no longer felt intimate about M, he was jealousand insecure, and I wasn't attracted to him anymore. We hardly ever hadsex, and I started to realise that I had never really felt attracted tohim. I had just needed somebody. At a time when I had nobody, he mademe feel wanted, appreciated and loved. Have you ever had a really goodfriend of the opposite sex that you really care about, that reallyimpacts your life and brings out the best in you? He was exactly thatto me, except we started dating.

In fact, he was many things that I look for in a man - kind,thoughtful, devoted, he would do anything for me, he constantly wentout of his way to please me, complimented me all of the time, he wasromantic, but the physical attraction and the ‘urge’ to be the best forhim and to impress him just wasn’t there. I started doubting things.

All this was going through my head the first month of university. I wasstill seeing M every other weekend and talking regularly on the phone,when I met S.

After spending time together with S and our friends, I started torealise that I really liked him.. He was laid-back, funny and veryattractive. There was lots of chemistry between us, and we started tospend more and more time together. Both of us weren’t sure where this‘friendship’ was going, but we got on so well. One weekend, M came downto stay with me and he met all of my friends, including S. We all wentout for a drink and M was the perfect boyfriend – outgoing, friendlyand buying everyone drinks. Everyone appeared to have a good night.That is, except me and S. It’s horrible I know, but though I was with Mthat night, I couldn’t stop thinking that I’d rather have been therewith S. I layed in bed with M wondering what S was doing and thinkingand what the hell I was doing also! How could I stay with M, my bestfriend, the guy that has done so much for me, all I had, when I wasthinking about this other person? Missing this other person? But howcould I leave M for a whim – what if S didn’t turn out to be the personthat I thought he was. What if he wasn’t interested in me like I waswith him? I didn’t want to lose M, but I wanted to pursue thingsfurther with S.

One night, after an argument with M, I decided that it was better offthat we went our separate ways. I mainly felt guilty about my feelingsfor S, but I didn’t mention anything to him about it. I ended therelationship and immediately broke down. I had finally made a decision,but whether it was the right one or not I wasn’t sure. That night Iwent out for a drink with S.

I told him that I had ended it with M, and he offered support. He toldme that he could tell that I had been unhappy with the way things wereand he then said that he thought about me all the time, and that it hadbeen really hard for him to express his feelings whilst I had aboyfriend. I told him that I really liked him too and I wanted to startseeing him. We held hands across the table and from that night on,things were different between us. We were together all of the time,going out for meals, going to the cinema, having great sex, and I feltso happy to be with him. Although we weren’t officially dating, peoplejoked that we ‘might as well have been’, and after meeting his familyfor the first time his mum kept nagging at him to ask me out. And hedid.

All this time, I had M in the back of my mind. I didn’t think about himas such, but I knew that he was still there. He still text meoccasionally and said that he missed me, he also text me saying thingslike ‘I will always love you, I won’t forget you’ and things like that.We had agreed to stay as friends. He was still in my life, and I guessmy way of not contacting him didn’t really deal with the issue and putit to bed. As we rarely saw each other when we were together, thingskind of felt the same between us as we were still in contact.

After about a month, S started to get a bit ‘comfortable’ in therelationship. He didn’t want to go out and do anything anymore, hedidn’t compliment me as much as before and he started to think justabout himself and he stopped being intimate, sweet and loving andstarted being really lazy and selfish instead. I felt like I wasn’tnumber 1 in his life, like he was number 1 in mine. I felt likeeverything else came first – including his playstation 3! I went backwith him every couple of weekends and his mum was really attentive,caring and lovely but S didn’t even really seem to notice that I wasthere. I felt a little awkward, but I went there to be with S.

Shortly after that, I was doing some coursework on S’s computer when Istumbled across an internet dating site that he had been visiting. Hehad made a profile and uploaded a picture of himself. When I confrontedhim about it, he said that he had made it months prior to knowing me,which I believed, as he had mentioned it before. But the only thing Icouldn’t understand is why he hadn’t deleted it when we got together?He said he was sorry, he was in the wrong for not deleting it, but hesaid he had found the link to the site in an email and that he wasbored, so he was looking through it. He couldn’t look me in the eye,and although I felt like there was more to the story, I said no moreabout it.

It was around this time that M’s grandmother became ill, M wasdevastated and needed someone to talk to about it. He didn’t know aboutthe relationship between me and S, and I offered him a shoulder to leanon. He had always been there for me, and he still considered me hisbest friend. I went home for the weekend to visit my family, and I metup with M for the day. Nothing happened that weekend, but it was reallynice to go home and it brought back memories of me and M. I tried notto think too much about it though, as I was with S now.

S went home for a few weeks and he started to be more distant with me.He went out a lot with his friends and didn’t really contact me. I hada hunch that something wasn’t right and I couldn’t stop thinking aboutthe dating profile site. Was he looking for something else? Was I notenough? When he got back, I searched his computer. I found a secretfolder along with pictures of him and a random girl – taken just a fewdays before, a night when he had text me goodnight and told me that hewas going to bed. Him and this girl had been doing naked webcam showswith each other. All the evidence was there. I was in shock. I couldn’tbelieve it. I confronted him.

He didn’t even try to deny it. He said that he loved me and he hadn’twanted to hurt me, and that she meant nothing. This was not the firsttime he had done this with her either, but now his conscience wasclear. I felt like a fool. I had ended it with M, taken a gamble, Mwould never have done this to me in a million years, yet I felt that Ideserved it. After days of arguing and both of us crying, I decided togive the relationship between me and S another go. Provided he neverspoke to her again, deleted her from his life and promised he wouldnever do anything like that again.

I see S’s family every couple of weeks, and me and S still spend allour time together, yet we argue constantly. I cannot trust him anymore.I have been so paranoid that he is going to hurt me again that it hasreally damaged our relationship. On top of that, I catch him lying tome about the smallest things; he complains that I don’t trust himenough! A relationship without trust…now what is that?

My confidence has gone downhill. We haven’t done anything nice as acouple for ages, and sometimes all he seems to want to do is to stay inhis room and play on his playstation. I feel as though I have traded aman (M) for a little boy, and all this time, M tells me that he wantsme back.

With S, although there isn’t much trust and there’s still a lot ofanger on my part, I still want to be with him. We had something so goodbefore and I’d do anything to get it back. I’m S’s first evergirlfriend and he says I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him.I am attracted to him like mad, and when we do have sex – it’s amazing.I strive to impress him and when it is good between us, it is reallygood. But is his heart really in the relationship? Is he going to hurtme again? Can we get the trust back and can things be good between usagain? He says he ‘messed up’ because he’d never been in a relationshipbefore and didn’t think what he did was cheating. But will things everbe the same between us?

With M, there’s the knowing that I can depend on him, he will give me100%, he will always put me first and he would never hurt me, butthere’s no chemistry and physical attraction on my part. I love him, Istill consider him my best friend and I’d be devastated if he left mylife completely, but a lifetime with somebody that you’re not ‘mad’about and ‘lusting’ about? What kind of a relationship is that? How isthat fair on M? And we would hardly see each other because of thedistance (7 hours). On the other hand, not all relationships are aboutsex and surely my relationship with S is going to flop. I feel asthough I’m waiting for him to ‘mess up’ again.

I have got myself into such a difficult position. Please could anyone give me any advice on what I should do?

Yours sincerely,


best friend, confidence, grandmother, insecure, jealous, text, university

Reply to this Question

A female reader, worldlywise United Kingdom + , writes

Don't pick either of them, neither is the one for you.

Try being single, you never know you might just enjoy a hassle freelife for a while. Learning about yourself,what you want and who youare.Uni is a whole new era why spoil it with do I don't I scenarios.Lots of new people to meet and new things to do....all leading to a newlife when you graduate.

Dating For Love


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