Saturday, March 17, 2012

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

7 months

 My ex travelled across Europe to declare his love for me, to tell me he was obsessed with me. He planned a party so I could meet more of his friends and to help me have some fun after an important hospital appointment.

 After he left to go back to his city, a few days later, when I was in bed recovering from my hospital appointment, I received an email from him telling me it was over. A week later, he got together with a girl at that party. I didn't know this when I travelled to his city for work and we met up. The day after, I told him I still loved him. Then he told me he never loved me. I sent a few crazy messages after that. Silly, I know, but I was devastated and angry. I was so reluctant to get into a relationship with him in the beginning but he persuaded me to give him a go. He earned my trust despite my fears. And he ended up screwing me over big time. The irony. I felt like such an idiot for opening up.

 We've spoken a few times since then, twice on the phone but mainly messages. But it's always been me to initiate. He hasn't tried to contact me or say hi or ask about my hospital appointment -- not even once. I can't begin to describe how that makes me feel.

 We were going to meet up in January when I visited his city again but didn't because I found out he was away with his girlfriend and her family over the weekend. He had time for lunch on the Monday but I didn't feel up to it. I've sent a few nice messages, telling him how I wished him all the best, how I hope his girlfriend is a better girlfriend than I was. He replied that things were going great.

 Man, it's been 7 months and it still hurts like hell. The first man I properly loved in years. I finally opened up and look what happened.

 You're probably asking -- why the hell did you contact him and try to meet up? Well, I thought by being friends, it would show he cared on some level and that it would get rid of any bad feelings. And it would have done if he simply sent one message or made one phone call to say hi or ask how I am. That's all. I'm friends with all of my exs -- they're all great, we get along great. They're all gentlemen who make the time for me -- and vice versa. But I guess not everyone can handle being friends with an ex.

 I have been very depressed but I feel like things are improving. I'm not a crying mess anymore. But it can still make me feel like I've been punched in the gut and unable to breath. When will that go? I feel embarrassed that it's been 7 months and I'm still here with these feelings. But I guess it shows I have a heart. When I love someone, I really mean it. I can't just go and sleep with someone else a week later. Hell, 7 months on, and I'm still single.

 I've avoided men because I didn't want a rebound and I wanted time to heal. For a while, I thought I'd be single for years. But I'm starting to feel like I could be open to the idea of a relationship.

 I have been approached about a job in his city. It's my dream job. Interview coming up. Sometimes I think I won't be able to stand seeing him around with his girlfriend (it's a small city, I will definitely see them), and at other times, I look forward to the opportunity to show them I am ok, strong, happy etc. But I'm trying to forget now. I hope i get this job so I can make a fresh start for myself.

 Not sure what the point of my post is. Just venting and sharing, I suppose. 

Thanks for reading. Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Dating For Love


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