Sunday, February 26, 2012

Long Distance Relationships Explained

                                                        What women think we MIGHT do while we’re away:

                                                                      What we ACTUALLY do while we’re away:

Men are amazed that women agree to date them long distance. You’re basically telling a guy that you’ll stay faithful while he’s out-of-town, and you’ll maintain a glove-fitted entry for him when he comes back in town. In the meantime, he’ll be in another zip code chasing tons of women, bolstered with confidence because he now has an out-of-state backup plan.

So as the guy considering dating you NOW, we get worried when a woman tells us about some guy she USED TO date long distance. What was the deal? Was she totally unaware of the dynamic described in the first paragraph?  Was she so overcome by love that she failed to see that a cross-country relationship was impractical? Did she really think the occasional Skype-Sex would satisfy his needs?

This flag gets even redder if the guy lived in another country. Was she so absent of pragmatism that she didn’t realize her Italian lover would be crushing much more than tomatoes when… he returned to Milan? Trust us, Fabricio probably ate out more women in Milan than he did meatballs. 

While the initial shock of learning about your long distance tryst is bad enough, we’ll also be praying that you ended the relationship and not the other way around. Because if HE dumped YOU, you’re going to be permanently screwed in the head and you will have a unicorn to deal with.

That is, you’ll constantly have dreams where he appears out of the fog one morning in your front yard, holding a bouquet of red roses in one arm and playing a violin in the other, while singing an opera quality concerto apology love song in fluent Italian, but with English subtitles scrolling underneath him. You’ll secretly yearn for that amazing spectacle, but you’ll never actually see it in real life. Hence, your unicorn is born.

No matter how amazing WE are, it’s going to be really hard to get rid of that unicorn in your head. They’re like cock-a-roaches of the mind - impossible to completely fumigate, even if our peen is the size of a can of RAID.

Long Distance Relationships Explained


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