Sunday, February 26, 2012

She carries condoms in her purse

“Condoms should be marketed in 3 sizes, jumbo, colossal, and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.” -Barbara Seaman

Okay, so you carry condoms in your purse. What’s the big deal? You just have them on hand in case you meet Mr. Right and need to bang him immediately. We surely appreciate that you want to protect us from creating a little Mr. Right during our first passionate romp. What guy wouldn’t want a girl who was prepared for safe sex?  

The truth is, guys don’t have a problem with the condoms that night. We’re guys. We love sex. 

Unlike most other red flags, the dissonance here doesn’t arrive until the next morning when we think about what your Condom Survival Kit really means. As we’re enjoying our walk of shame, the picture becomes clear. Yep, there it is, flapping in the breeze like a Trojan wrapper stuck on a stick, the dreaded red flag.

If you’re rocking condoms in your purse, we know you’re not just open to having sex, you’re expectingto have sex. Could happen after a first date. Or after a bar pick-up. Or with the cab driver in lieu of paying the fare. Or maybe with a guy you’re riding up in an elevator with because it gets boring between floors. We’re not sure. All we know is that there’s a strong chance you’re going to have sex tonight unless someone or something intervenes – maybe a blizzard will stop you, or maybe a terrorist attack, or maybe that blond-haired yuppie you seduced will pass out before you can take off his pretty pink polo. 

Seriously, why carry condoms around in your handbag? Are you afraid sex is going to break out at any moment and you’ll want to be a part of it? Or that all five billion of the 24-hour gas stations and drug stores in your town will be closed when you want to get down and dirty?

Ladies, if you want to be prepared, keep the condoms in the bedside drawer at home. No need to stockpile them in your purse. Another point of advice – for god’s sake, don’t buy the 100 Condom Valu-Pak either. The most condoms you should keep on hand is an UNOPENED three-pack.

Truthfully, here’s your best option – leave the condoms to us. They’re our rods – we’ll take care of them. If it looks like we’re headed for a night of passion and we need to replenish the stash, it’s not a problem – we only have to hit the 7-Eleven on the way home.   

We’ll even buy you a cherry Slurpee to celebrate what’s to come. 

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